This cooking ordeal is begining to take it's toll.
If I fry one more piece of chicken..I'll cackle...
Yesterday evening I finished dinner at around 8pm...I was so sick of cooking and serving, I decided to eat a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles instead. Why r u taking so long? u might ask?...Well I get home around 6:30pm...put on cartoons, change into something more comfy...prepare dinner...try to pipe down Miss C who is determined NOT to eat ANY of the meals I have prepared...Fine u ungrateful lil' snob...don't eat...keep ur diet of potato sticks and 7-up...!..then I have to wait till the two men in my house decide they wanna eat...and I have to serve them, cuz apparently they have major problems with their arms and hands that impair them to pick up a spoon and serve themselves some rice and beans...fuckers...
Yesterday, I was so exhausted I went to bed at 9pm...didn't even finish the Yankees game..(but I read in the paper this morning we beat Detroit). Only prob. Miss C isn't accustomed to sleeping so early...so she keeps tossing and turning...until she eventually finds a flashlight to play with. ::Sigh:: So I ask nicely for her to stop. Of course, she could give a rat's ass as to my nice motherly plea. So I get tougher and she begins to cry. Now I'm really tired...trying to scramble to my feet and give her a bottle of milk to cease her rant. I decided to let her play and turn over and sleep. I do that until I feel something reaaaally went beneath me...No it wasn't pee...it was worse...Milk...Almond Milk...she spilled $2.39 worth milk!!! Christ!!!!!
I roll over and continue to sleep.
At 4am my alarm goes off...ZzzzzZZ...must take out chicken from the fridge...
6am goes off...ZzzzZZ..must condiment chicken before I leave...
This is a fucking bitch.
So today the meal was: yellow rice, breaded chicken breast and pink beans...the rice was awesome..but Miss C still declined my offer...
If my mom doesn't come back soon.....::sigh:: ..I don't know...
On another note: Me and the "X" have decided to put our differences aside and celebrate Miss C's birthday.. We are not going to do something fancy...I am going to buy her a pool and get a grill and have a lil' backyard bash...I was thinking to get her My Little Pony decor...(yes I am a masochist) and let her have a nice time with both her parents around...Who says we can't be civilized?? I be sure to let u know if a bloodshed occurs...
To finish off my day..."A" called early around 11am..said he was in the area and wanted to take me out to lunch...::gasp:: Not because he offered to take me out to lunch..he usually does...which is very nice of him...but ::gasp:: that I was going to see him, period. He's been kind of MIA. And I've been 'shortening the rope'...
But overall, it was nice to see him and he was very keen on seeing me...We had a nice lunch at this lil' Mexican place..where I had my usual tacos with no lettuce ordeal and he had some soft tacos with Cactus...Yes. Cactus. I didn't know u could eat that either. We bumped into a friend of his, who I happened to know as well as The Empress (she nearly freaked when I told her who we bumped into), and all three of us had a nice time. Until that is the 'friend' whipped out of his pocket a lil container with an uncontroled substance, with the same freshness as if he were whipping out a picture out of his wallet...LOL...sweet.
We said our good-bye's and "A" dropped me back at my office...
It was all good...
Viva Cinco de Mayo!! LOL!!!!!!!!! (insert hysterical laughter here______)
I forgot to mention that during the beach incident, while in the water...thinking of a plan to combat the scorchering heat of the sand....
I suggested that she use her huge ass hair pins to make a makeshift shoe...or some stilts...
I thought u should know this...
PS Empress...I dislike u...U and ur IPOD...LOL...ROTF
Have an enjoyable day...
Sink update: one day, one bottle of Ultra Mega Foam Liquid Plummer, and two boiling pots of water later...
It is unclogged.
Bout fucking time.
I hardly post about Miss C's accomplishments...don't ask me why. They are very special and very wonderful to me, but I guess sometimes I like to keep them to myself. Yes, I don't like to share. But yesterday she did two things back-to-back that I must share, cuz I went to sleep very very happy.
After I placed her to bed, I was on my way to my side, when I noticed the DVD player's compartment was open...I immediatley saw it was empty and I panicked. There had been a collector's edition of Mickey Mouse Cartoons from the 1920's in there earlier on. Why did I panic?? Cuz the "X" let us borrow them from him for a while, since Miss C loves those old cartoons. Bare in mind they come in a fancy schmancy box, and with a collector certification, blah blah...it's not ur average DVD at Walmart. When the "X" left those movies at home, he told me a zillion times to take care of them dearly, so u can imagine how I felt when I saw that they were not in the DVD Player.
I quickly looked at the only suspect: Miss C.
And I ask: "Where is the Mickey Mouse movie?"
Obviously I am not waiting for an answer, at least not from her.
But: surprise surprise
She sits up and points to the dresser: "There it is Momma!"
And there it was indeed.
My jaw dropped and I quickly covered her with kisses.
Then as we were finally settled in, I notice she has a teddy bear with her. I say, "Oh what a nice teddy".
She tells me: "teddy crying. don't cry teddy".
My eyes almost fell out of my socket...
So I string her along and say: "Well, why don't u sing to teddy".
What did Miss C do:
"Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep my dear teddy".
Totally Totally awesome...
Our kids never cease to amaze us.
Of course after that wonderful shocking episode, I spent the rest of the night trying to kick the teddy off the bed, cuz C said that I was on teddy's pillow.
Jeez, the guy hasn't been in the bed for 10 minutes and he already has a pillow.
The cooking has begun.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for cooking. I'm just not all for cooking for two ungrateful sons of....sons of other sons.
My dad and my brother.
Sunday, I decided to make our first meal, but my bro could not be reached and my father, who is not speaking to me, told me he was not hungry.
Well F*ck u too.
I fixed me and Miss C something uncomplicated.
Let's flash forward to Monday. Memorial Day.
Miss C and I woke up early cuz my dad had the marvelous idea to mow the back yard at 7am. Splendid.
We made a junky breakfast...waffles and cereal...and ::gasp:: my dad stayed with Miss C while I went out to the supermarket to buy some chicken breasts. Yes, we are chicken breast fans. Boneless and Skinless, it's the only way to go.
So, around 2pm I decide to start up on dinner. I called my bro and he confirmed that he indeed was eating and to make some extra food for him to take to work. (Remember he has no money). I ask my dad if he is going to eat and he replies the same way my bro did. So, I make the rice, I tenderly make the beans (which I do not eat, but I make them anyway so they can eat em'), I marinate the chicken...I squish some whole garlic...yummy...and I cook.
U know at some point or another things go haywire.
My kitchen sink decides to clog up. Why??!! I hardly cook here...why are u so fucking clogged up. I try to fix the problem with no luck. My cousin casually stops by and offers to help, so he starts messing with the sink, there is clogged up water everywhere on the floor, we are slipping and sliding as I try to fry up the chicken...Miss C decides she wants to take a bath...enters the kitchen, falls flat on her ass with the dirty water...just plain hellish. To top it all off:
My dad decides he's gonna go out with his buddies, but assures me he is going to eat when he gets back.
My bro comes home and eats and takes some for lunch tomorrow.
Kitchen sink is still fucked up.
Dad shows up...and surprise surprise...He is not hungry.
"Well, I'm so sorry, I'm gonna fry all this chicken and u are gonna eat it regardless, and if u don't u'll eat it tomorrow and I officially state that if u pull this bullshit stunt again, I AM NO LONGER GONNA COUNT U IN ON DINNER".
Complete silence...followed by:
Shit. It's bad enough I have to cook for them so late, cuz they are so broke they can't eat out. But to have to wait on them to decide when they are gonna eat, and if they are gonna eat. No way. Unacceptable.
Kitchen sink is still clogged up, so Miss C and I decide to take a bath.
She goes in with her toys and we take our shower, I step out, I'm drying my self off, right next to her when she screams...
I drop the towel and peer in the curtain...
One of her itty bitty tiny toys has gone down the drain.
"MY BEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR....MY BEEEEARRRR...MOMMA GET MY BEAAAARR"
Joined in by screaming and high pitched crying...
I try to make her understand that there is no use.
What is her answer:
"MY GRANDMA......MY GRANDMA...NOW".
Great. My mom is off with my aunt and their rice casserole watching Shamu and I'm stuck cooking, with a clogged sink and a bear down the drain.
Really nice begining to a looooong ass 13 days....
We will accept Care Packages sent ASAP....
On another interesting note my brother is now single ....again
His girlfriend broke up with him last night.
I got a 'heads-up', since she came upstairs to tell me about the decision she has made. I feel very sorry for my brother, since he will probably never find someone as special as her. She is still very welcome at my house.
She called me again very late like at midnight when she broke the news to my bro. She told me she was very concerned for his safety since he left her house in an uprage and screamed:
"I am now goning to kill myself".
Hmm..doesn't that sound familiar...
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree..
I have not seen much of "A" lately. We both have kinda of conflicting schedules and well this Holiday weekned he was 'too lazy' to get his ass off his couch and come visit...or so he says.
I have come to the conclusion, that although "A" is a nice guy, I have to start "shortening the rope" that I have thrown out to him. You know just in case it gets to long and I tangle on it and fall flat on my face. I must protect my assets u know.
well enough bullshit. I'm off.
PS Next week, Four Game series with Boston, at Yankees Stadium..See ya Aimée!!
Fuck shrimp...I am beyond the 'shrimp' color code...I am like on the 'lobster color chart'...
I kind of over did the sun today.
I am very very attractive...I am an un-official Humpaloompah...
I'll be reeling in the hunks pretty soon...
As previously stated Me and Empress went to the beach. After finding a semi suitable spot, where we had a bit of shade but also some sun, we sat down to read all the trashy gossip magazines we could find at our local drugstore. Real literature for a day at the beach.
After reading the reasons why "ice cream" is considered a valued food group, Empress shocked me, she said:
"Wanna go in the water"...
U see, She NEEEEEEEEVAAAAAHHHH!! gets in the water.
Cuz her hair will get ruined.
But since she had her hair up in a 'doobey' (noun: Puerto Rican style of hair, women usually wear when they have had their hair blowdried. U look like an Olympic swimmer with ur hair around ur hair in huge metallic pins, minus the cap)..she also had a doo-rag and a fedora. Yes. She is quite the gal.
So we decided to go inside the water. But there is one detail we forgot to take into consideration. I had told her the night before that I was going to buy some flip flops and she said "Why???!! Just wear ur sneakers to the beach, like me".
As we approached the sand to go into the water...our feet scorched with the hellish temperature of the sand. I thought our feet were going to be severred off. As we finally decided to run and haul ass in the water, looking like two Baywatch wanna be's, with boobs a bouncin'...we sighed full of relief as the water hit our feet.
We were in the water for a while...laughing and makin' cracks...and we got back out..got more sun.....got back to the water...but this time we wore our sneakers to the shore..and at around 3pm when my back was so hot u could fry an egg on it...I called it quits...The sun was just too unbearable.
We did have a nice time. And our rides to and from the beach were great...Empress has a new toy, a Video IPOD and we were back on memory lane listening to songs from our days of hangin'...
We stopped by to have a quick lunch...strolling in with our shorts and bathing suit tops (by they way...I have to ad, my bathing suit was rockin'), provokin' the envy of the miserable ladies behind the counter, cuz they quickly made a sarcastic remark along the lines of "let's go to the beach..blah blah..chuckle chuckle"...To which the Empress simply remarked out loud, that they were just envious they had to work on weekends and smell of burritos all day long...
Na Na na na na....take that biaches!!!
I dropped her off...got home to Miss C and quickly headed for a cold shower...
My back aches and is very very red...I could probably double as a lobster if Disney were to make a new animation flick about underwater creatures...Pixar, I am available.
And on top of all that, Miss C finds it very convenient to play "horsey". Today of all days.
Good thing...it's a holiday weekend..and I plan to stay at home and not wear a bra...sit my ass down with the A/C and drink Pink Lemonade to aliviate my pain...
What's up with ur Memorial Day weekend??!!
PS...I recently read an article on some women from the Marines that died in a Car Bombing in Iraq and saw the program : Bagdad ER on HBO...
This Memorial Day, I salute all those women and men, overseas, that dedicate their lives, and give us the freedom we have to sit and blog and spend this weekend with our families. I do not agree with this war, but nevertheless, my heart goes out to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice.
Here u have it folks...Friday's Four...
Four CD's currently in Heavy Rotation in the "Grasshopper":
1. Fiona Apple's: Extraordinary Machine...Favorite Song: Definitely a toss up between the Title Track, "Extraordinary Machine" and "Oh Well"
2. Mary J. Blige's: Breakthrough...Favorite Song: Has to be the cover on U2's "ONE" and "MJB da MVP"
3. Coldplay's: A Rush of Blood to the Head...Favorite Song: "The Scientist", hands down.
4. Dilated Peoples: The Platform...Favorite Song: the title track, "The Platform"...which I quoted a few posts ago.
What's ur heavy rotation list look like???
Hello Baseball fans..including Miss C who now sees a game and shrieks:
"Basebol!! Go yankees!!"...I'll bet she'll trade em' for Boston once she realizes how bad we are playing these days...
On more interesting Baseball news:
The Mets have acquired "El Duque"
For those who don't follow statistics...Mets are in first place in their division...and with this new toy...that's gonna help them stay there, especially late in the season, I hope....(I have a soft heart for the Mets...nice childhood memories at Shea).
Guess who's in first place in my division...
U guessed right:
The Red Sox...
(Aimée must be shrieking in pure X-tasy)...
Yeah...those are my enemies...so now u can put a face to the names:
Left: Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz aka Big Papi...
Smile all u can now boys..cuz the season is just starting...
PS. Tonight Boston is kickin' the ass of some other sorry team...they're ahead 2 to 0, against Tampa I believe.
On other exciting news...this weekend, I might get to see some sun.
Yes. I am going to the beach.
Yes. In a bathing suit.
I ordered a bikini.
I do not have an adecuate body for a bikini.
But really, I've seen worse at the beach and I am no longer intimidated.
I will wear my scars and stretch marks with pride. Dammit.
(Well, actually, my tankini doesn't fit anymore...boobs have out grown my top...and I couldn't order a new one online...so I had to get a bikini...::sigh::)
I am going to the beach on Saturday, probably with the Empress, who has a rockin' bod...but I'll just hide behind my Steven King's "Everything is Eventual" and hopefully no one will notice the extra flab...lol!!!
Lord knows I need the sun..I am like rockin' the two tone style now...cuz stupid ass me puts on tanning lotion on my arms and face..and doesn't apply on legs...nice pic huh?...
May I turn brown and my freckles multiply!!!
And for the grand finale..me and my dad had a huge fight tonight...I'm not going into details..but he has pointed out that I am a miserable, unhappy bitch who will not loan him $20 bucks so he can gamble on horses...and that's the reason the "X" left me...
Gee, I never pondered that angle...lol...
He ended his argument stating that he is going to die within the next two weeks and that I am not going to be allowed to his funeral...
My answer: Too bad...I wasn't planning on going anyways...I've got shit to do.
I have just unleashed the "WRATH OF KHAN"...
We won last night...Hurrah.
Got a lil' too close for comfort in the last innings...
Manny Rivera and "Big Papi" Ortiz are still badgering us...We have two games with Kansas this weekend...i'll keep ya posted..
In other exciting news:
Yesterday my dad was gonna kill my brother...
What a sight...
I left before the blood shed...
but it went along the lines like this:
"Honey, have u seen my slacks, the ones I brought home last week from the dry cleaners?" dad
"If those slacks are in ____(my brother) room, I'll kill him". dad
As with anything else that is missing in the house, the slacks, were obviously enough, in my bro's room.
U see, my bro has purchased a new car, and he has no money left over to buy anything else, cuz he'd rather be barefoot and buck naked, than to ride in a 'old' car.
Thing is, my dad is like the Puerto Rican version of the Devil when he's upset.
And my bro is the Puerto Rican version of the most Stupid-Ass Person alive, always. He's the only stupid-ass person at home that still dares to outsmart Lucifer.
So my bro's not home, and me, my mom and Miss C have to hear his non-stop rambling, on how my mom is gonna have to cut her vacation short, cuz he just might resort to killing my brother before she gets back, and how he is very tempted to just set the house on fire because his life sucks and he will charge my bro $3.00 plus interest on the slacks he borrowed, which were freshly iron from the dry cleaners, he even mentioned that he just might quit his job and sell drugs, so he won't have to wear slacks ever again, and only jeans and t-shirts, cuz drug dealers don't have to dress so fancy or take their jeans to the dry cleaners to get pressed...
My dad selling pot or crack on our corner...
Very nice picture...I can see it now...
Him in his taperred dark blue jeans, way high up on the waist, with color coordinated brown leather belt and Clark Mocassins, with his nice crisp white Nautica Polo. He'll be the sharpest one out there.
But please, also remember, my dad stutters:
"He-he-he-hey....do ya, do ya, do ya, wanna fly, do you wanna fly?..I g-g-g-got some good shit for ya"...
Renting the corner spot: $100.00
Buying drugs wholesale: $500.00
Seeing my obsessive compulsive father, looking prim and proper, while stuttering to sell you pot: Priceless
Aint' nothing like the family to keep ya' grounded...
Yes. This is another baseball post. No. I don't care if you if u are annoyed by the fact that I am obsessed. Yes. I am aware I am sick. No. I don't care.
We won last night. Finally...We almost screwed it up at the end..cuz Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are fuckin' killing us...but we won...
Let's see if we can keep up this winning streak tonight...
On another note..my mom made such an interesting quote yesterday...it was sooo worth posting:
"I don't need you to love me...I just need you to stop fucking with me".
I think I mentioned she will be traveling with my aunts to Orlando this Sunday. Yes, the chickens are gonna be out in the open. This is an event I am glad I will miss. My mom has already informed me that my aunt is placing her big 'caldero', (covered casserole, for rice), in her suitcase. Yes, in her suitcase...and she is placing her underwear inside the casserole...cuz she needs to use all the space left in her suitcase wisely. My mom tried to help and suggest she place the casserole in a separate box. She also said she'd hang on the robe of Christ, and pray that they won't open my aunt's suitcase at the airport, because she would be mortified. This coming from a woman, who wears pantyhose underneath her long skin tight jeans and hangs on the robe of Christ.
God finds the meaning of the flashing light
Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself. It is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime. ~Potter Stewart
We have a natural right to make use of our pens as of our tongue, at our peril, risk and hazard. ~Voltaire, Dictionnaire Philosophique, 1764
Every human being has a right to hear what other wise human beings have spoken to him. It is one of the Rights of Men; a very cruel injustice if you deny it to a man! ~Thomas Carlyle
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. ~Voltaire
Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. ~Moshe Dayan
"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear."
Eric Arthur Blair or George ORWELL
British novelist and essayist (1903-1950)
This post is not open to commentary. It is to merely express my disgust when people try to make me shut up. There is freedom of speech. Freedom of speech is essential to mankind. Those who do not believe in freedom of speech do not believe in humanity, do not believe in democracy. I am a firm believer of both, even though they have been challenged before and tried to be silenced.
I started this blog to share my ideas, my beliefs and my thoughts. NO ONE, read it..NO ONE is obligated to think, react and believe what I believe. That is the beauty of individuality. What I do expect in return is RESPECT. I have made the gran effort not to disclose names or images that can negatively affect my family or its members. I tried to mantain things in an anonymous manner.
It seems my posts have offended some and have made others upset. That is totally understandable. I don't expect 'chipper happy go lucky' feedback 100% of the time. I am fine with that. But from that, to expect that I be silenced like some child or some animal, I will not tolerate. I will not allow people to 'threaten' me or 'threaten' my freedom of speech. If u don't like what I write, there's a big red "X" on the right hand corner of your screen you can 'click' on and close. Don't even bother reading. And that'll make everyone happy.
For those who do read and do RESPECT, I thank u, from the bottom of my heart. Yes. I have a heart. Yes. It works. No, it's not the size of a peanut. It's a big heart, and when I allow it to, it holds lots of love for everyone who gives it in return.
Thank you for stopping by. Thank you for reading. Thank you for commenting.
And for those who don't like it: U know where the "X" is at.
I WILL NOT BE SILENCED....
Before I get into my post, I must say:
SHIT...WE ARE SUCKING REAAAAALLLY BAD!!
Weekend series with the Mets: we lost 2 out of three games...although we made an awesome comeback on Saturday...
Yesterday: We played against rivals, Boston. We were winning up to like the 5th inning...but since our pitchers suck..we were down 9 to 1 in the 9th...Bernie and Canoe made base hits and A-Rod and Posada hit some homers, cutting down the deficit to 4 to 9. But we still suck. One would think that with a $164 million dollar team, we could have a decent pitcher..it's not all about hitters u know that, don't cha' George??!!
Saturday: X picked up Miss C. Supposed to bring her back at around 7pm.
I, was in domestic bliss, cleaning my house and having an affair with Clorox.
"A" and I were supposed to see movies during the evening.
Allowing enough time for X to drop of Miss C without them crossing paths.
1pm: "A" calls.
"I'm at the mall in your area, how do I get to your house??"
Me: "Whaaaat???!!!..um..(looking at my raggedy cleaning outfit and my bucket of clorox)...um..I didn't think u were coming this early"
I told him to give me half an hour and told him how to get to my house.
But if you've done ur math correctly..u know that there would be no avoiding an encounter of the 'X' kind.
"A" shows up...we start our movies..and right in the begining of "MUNICH", "X" calls that he is on his way to drop Miss C off. Might I add it's only 2pm and he's been with Miss C for only 2 hours...
I tell 'X' that I have a 'Guest' and he says he wants to meet my 'guest'.
X shows up, I present them as sanely as I could, they shook hands, and 'X' has the bright idea to pick up some of the stuff he still has at my crib, which is in the living room where we are precisely watching our movies.
At this point, I could care less about the 72' Olympic Massacre and proceed to go to the kitchen to hyperventilate in solitud and prevent cardiac arrest. I hear Miss C showing "A" her ponies and "X" talking to himself while looking through some boxes. I hear "A" volunteering to help "X" and the latter declining the help.
Long story short, "X" was playing happy-go-lucky. "A" was playing it cool. "X" leaves, but has to return cuz he forgot to give me Miss C's backpack...as I go downtairs to get the backpack...'X' motions me to go sit in the passenger side of the car, cuz : he has to talk to me.
So I sit.
X: "I congratulate you. He seems like a good choice. A nice guy"
Me: nervous chuckle.."Um. thanks"
X: "U may want to reconsider ur move if things work out well with him"
Me: losing composure..."Um..I don't think so", while trying frantically to open the car door and exit.
He leaves, but not without saying that I must understand why he can no longer be my friend, which honestly upsets me cuz, I don't see the point of such immaturity. Oh well.
So after this encounter, "A" endured an encounter of the 'MOM' kind. Where he greeted her in his socks. Yes u read right, I wrote 'socks'. "A" took off his shoes and was 'chillin like a villain' in his socks. Don't ask. LOL.
After some movies, I made us a quick dinnerish snack..my mom brought up some food as well, and after a quick encounter of the 'brotherly' kind, "A" left promptly at 9pm. I must admit, he was sure brave. He didn't flinch or haul ass for the door. It was waaaaay too much tension for any 'normal' person to take, but "A" took it in stride. I mean, meeting my parents is inevitable when u go to my house, they live downstairs, but meeting the 'X', well that's a whole 'nother ballpark.
I'm not so sure I slept very well that night. Who fuckin' would, u know?
But we had a nice time, aside from the unbearable-tension-that-could-slice-through-air, we survived.
And after all this tension...I leave u with these wise and random thoughts..
and here's a bonus:
This weekend, far none, was a very exhausting one..let me see if I can recap without causing massive embolias of boredome...
Friday: Long story short, I was set up on a blind date. I won't go into too many details (Sorry to dissapoint, but for reasons of sanity I just won't).
After a mortified pink rose exchange (he gave me a pink rose. word of advice: I do not like flowers, especially roses, nice thought but he should've done his homework), and a nice dinner we parted ways.
Bottom line: Real nice guy. Just not my kind of nice guy...Yeah..u guessed it, I'm gonna get philosophical...yeah..real bullshit coming ur way now..
As I was on my way home, I started wondering:
How much of our happiness are we willing to sacrifice for safety and security? or vice versa: How much of our security and sanity are we willing to sacrifice for Happiness? Is it possible to have both?
U see, let's take the blind date for example: Nice guy has all the makings of safety and security. He's very nice, polite, considerate, an adult, has a nice stable job, not bad looking, interesting, interested..etc. etc. But something didn't make me tick. No butterflies in the stomach. U know. It just wasn't there.
"A" on the other hand, is not as safe. (Yeah, "A", I said that, I know ur reading) He's unstable at times. You don't know if he's coming or going. He'll act one way for 10 mintues, and then he'll shift gears and ur left with a big question mark on ur head like: WTF??? And just when I'm at my wits end, he'll turn around and do something really nice to make me go : AWWWW...and make me reconsider the fact that, just like me, his stuff, is not all up there, all the time (pointing to head). I get the butterflies with him, he makes me smile and he's nice to Miss C. But I am scared shitless at the uncertainty I feel at times.
I know I am not alone on this sentiment, and that many have been through situations very similar. I also know many people who have sacrificed a bit of their happiness for security, safety and sanity reasons. Others have risked their safety for pure happiness. In both situations, there have been losers and winners. I've known those who are happy with their security and others who are miserable with their lack of happiness, while I have known others who do not regret the risks for happiness and others who risked it all and lost everything...U following me??!!
So this my friends is quite a predicament...
Is it possible to have both...I think u can..I just haven't found out the correct equation to use to accomplish this goal...
I'll keep ya posted..
Part 2 Preview: "A" visits my house and has a close encounter of the "X" kind...
Before I get to Friday's Four..I would like to publically address the fact that the person who mentioned my lack of 'better clothes' has told me that there was a problem of communication between us, and that this person (I will not mention if it is a he/she), only wanted to 'buy me some clothes'..
WTF??!! I don't know what's worse, the fact that I should need better clothes, or the fact that someone else, who doesn't know me all that well wants to buy some for me...
I am ooooh so sorry I forgot my Armani clothes or Louie Sweater this morning...they are all in the dry cleaners..so bare with me...lol..
In other fascinating news:
I Hate MY LITTLE PONY...
I would oh so wish that this would be their fate:
I don't know what language that is, nor do I care....I'm pretty sure it's saying:
"DIE, U EXPENSIVE CRAPPY LIL' PONY'S FROM HELL"..
I second that thought..
Seems like Miss C has a late night obsession with them, and she puts on her shoes, brings me the keys to my car and thinks we should make late night trips to buy her ponies.
It 'sounds' something like this:
"Momma, shoes, car, pony, there (pointing to the door)"
"Yeah, Yeah, get out of the way, I'm watching the Will& Grace finale"
"Momma, PONYYYYYYYY NOWWWWW, THEREEEEEEE, CAAAAAARRRRR!!"
Followed by excruciating squealing, wailing, and screaming...very very soothing at 10pm...very soothing indeed..
I had a free lunch yesterday. I was at my regular lunch joint and as I was gonna pay, the manager, a nice guy who always says "HI" to me, notices that I am wearing my :
"I love someone with Autism" Pin.
He asked me who do I 'love' with Autism and I told him, my daughter. Long story short: His son is Autistic, we talked for about half an hour and he then told me lunch was on him...wasn't that sweet.?
Ok. Friday's Four:
Four things that my mom does that drive me apeshit:
1. When she mentions ALL THE TIME, the importance of clean underwear..Seriously, I don't care...but she says her reputation will be ruined if we were to be seriously injured or killed in an accident and happen to have dirty underwear...like really, what kind of mom is she? letting her almost dead child leave out the house with dirty underwear, nevermind the fact that they are probably gonna have to reattatch our heads that were severely cut off by a huge machine that fell out of the sky and almost killed us...but dirty underwear...??!! Shame...!!
2. When she gives u the "look"...U know which one it is..it's the "I dont approve and really don't give a shit, but when u make a mistake i'll be there to point it out" look...nuff said..no explanation necessary
3. When she hangs my wet shirts on WIRE HANGERS!!! DAMMMMMMITTTT!!!!!!! I am JOAN CRAWFORD WITH THIS SHIT...NO WIRE HANGERS...She stretches out my shirts....She means well, but that is why I have purchased wooden and plastic hangers...I hate wire hangers...she is ruining the small amount of "better clothes" I have left...
4. When I say one thing to Miss C, like: "Don't take off your socks!" and once I turn my back, she'll take them off for her and say: "Aww, her feet are sweaty, aren't they Miss C??, mommy thinks your feet don't get hot under those silly socks, ain't mommy silly?"...No authority man...No authority what so ever...
But I didn't get to choose my mom, and I still have a post to write about her...but, deep down I still love her...really I have no choice...
Happy weekend folks!!
"A" sent me this, so I thought I should share...
Although I would have said "Bitches" instead...
On another note..someone...and I'm not the kind to name names...but maybe if I have chance I'll tattle-tell later, had the AUDACITY TO TELL ME:
You should buy better clothes!!
To which I answer:
Carry on Judas..Carry on!!..lol..
Today I paid an 'homage' to the 80's...Come on...u know there is at least one thing u like about the 80's...don't give me that look..admit it...I hated leggings, shoulder pads and neon colors..but the 80's did make a wave of new trends for fashion..I mean who can forget 'huge hair' and loving affairs with Aqua Net...
Ok. That's bullshit. I sorta of didn't have anything to wear that wasn't looking like it has been crumpled up in my closet and wanted by the 'iron patrol'...so I kinda of put on whatever I first found at my disposal...Resulting in my 'homage' for the day.
Pencil thin Ralph Lauren Jean skirt..a darkish blue.
Black and Turquoise striped blouse, with short sleeves and a slanted silver 'zipper' on the upper right corner...left corner..I don't remember..it's on one corner..and yes, u read right..zipper...
Black leather T strapped, studded shoes...really cute...I might add..
And large silver dangily earrings..
Bare in mind that I have super short cropped hair with red highlights to complete my 80's homage...
No one comments on my quirky fashion choices at the office, cuz frankly my boss ain't one to notice or really care.
But what I didn't count on was that I was gonna see "A" today.
I quickly saw him and mentioned the fact that I was very 80-ish today...after a while he then proceeded to point out that I looked like Jane Wiedlin from the Go-Go's:
Frankly...I was going more for a Melanie Griffin "Working Girl" look, u know, the one that she had before kicking Sigourney Weavers ass and banging Harrison Ford...Or possibly an extra in the Madonna "Borderline" video...
But Jane?! Well I can see the resemblance..but Hell to the No...I am not a Go-Go.
And my lips sure as hell ain't sealed.
Speakin' of hell...I was at one of favorite blogsites Mom With Attitude, and I learned that Jesus and Satan have a help column...like Dear Abby with a twist...a real twisted twist..here's Satan's profile:
"Greetings. I’m Satan. I’m single and live in Fountain Hills, Arizona. I like hockey and shopping at Home Depot. I have a one year-old Golden Retriever named Mishnah. Email me anytime. I love getting to know people."
WTF???!! He has a Golden Retriever??!!!
I'm have officially been pimped..
I'm not feeling so good and my boss has kindly brought me a wine glass full of Perrier...
OH..These are the days!!
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
Its just one of those days!!
By Limp Bizkit
It's been a looooong day...too long for me to even begin to quantify...
Let's do a quick recap into my afternoon when all hell breaks loose..
Miss C has lice......again
For like the seventh time in like 5 months...
I'm about to go get ghetto fab with these day care people...I mean they are nice..they are cheap and she's been there for a long time..and now that she doesn't have school she's been there all day..but lately these kids have a major lice problem I can't cope with..Imagine taking lice and nits out of Miss C...
Been all day at work coping with my Boss' stress and personal problems...I'll go into detail later...bottom line: I feel real sorry for her. Money can't buy u everything.
Went to lunch with the "A" friend. ::sigh:: I've got to dedicate an entire post to this one. Things are ok. Just a tad off. Odd I guess. Probably the lack of having a 'friend' has made me a tad rusty...**mental note: gotta get up to date on chic-lit..see if I'm going to need a whole other approach...
Miss C was crying when i picked her up from daycare. They took a toy away from her, and all hell broke loose. I got her in the van kicking and screaming. She spent a whole hour outside letting all the neighbors know she was pissed and wasn't gonna take it anymore...
In the famous words of Rhett Butler:
Frankly my dear I don't give damn...
I sat down to have my dinner.
I know the drill. She'll scream, cry, tense up, sweat a lot, cry some more, bite anyone who comes near her..blah blah blah.
It's a quarter to seven, I'm tired, hungry, sleepy.
If you ignore her long enough, and put nice earplugs in, she'll shut up.
My neighbor and father thought differently.
Neighbor came over and told me I should wipe the sweat off her face and try to calm her down.
My answer: "She's gonna keep crying and sweatin'..makes no difference".
My dad thought I was the cruelest, most inconsiderate mom in the world. Gee, that's funny, cuz just yesterday I was the most special mom in the world.
He told me it wasn't healthy to let her cry like that. That the daycare should hide all their toys so C wouldn't suffer.
Hide all their toys???!!
Listen folks, it's not that I don't have a heart. But C has to learn that people can't rearrange their world all the time to acomodate her. That's life. And she has to learn this one way or another.
My dad then asks if I intend to let her keep crying. Cuz u know "that's unhealthy"
My answer: I have not met one child that has died of crying. (Well, that can't happen anyway, cuz if they died how would i meet them, well that's besides the point). Contrary to popular belief, crying is healthy, it encourages the growth and development of fine, strong lungs. It is however unhealthy for a tired ass mom to have to come home every night to this. I think I would be much healthier giving her a spanking, u know..so she can have a real reason to cry. I know I'd sleep a lot better that way.
She eventually stopped. about 2 hours later, but she stopped.
After the K-os, my mom and I were watching the Animal Planet channel. They were giving a program comparing male and female mating, in both the animal and human species. They showed how 'bachelor walruses swim to a far off island to 'hang out'..but later call upon females to 'entertain them'...
In Australia there is a small town where once a year, the men have women driven in, like hundreds of them for an annual bachelor and bachelorette party...
My mom's take:
"Hey...u should find out when the next one is happening..so u can go"...
Mouth wide open, waiting for the punch line that never comes: "Mom it's in Australia"
She gives me the 'i wasn't joking look'.."And?? sounds like a nice adventure to me..and who knows u might meet someone"..
::sigh:: Even my mom thinks I need companionship.
To finalize my wonderful day, I proceeded to take a shower downstairs, cuz my brand new water heater gives me electrical shocks everytime I touch the water handle. (That's what I get for having my Godfather install it for free). As I am enjoying the only 15 mintues I have to myself and proceed to wash the crack in my ass(too much details for ya? sorry)...
THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!!
I am in the dark, in the shower..with my hand in the crack of my ass.
It's not that I can get my hand out, but I'm shocked that our 'third world' town has no electricity, again.
My mom rushes to my rescue:
"Honey are u allright, u be careful in there, u wouldn't wanna fall".
Oh Shit, Lord knows I don't wanna fall and have forensics and paramaedics come take me away with my hand still stuck up my butt. Nevermind the fact that I could slip in the dark and break my spinal cord, dying or ultimately ending up confined to a wheelchair. I just wouldn't want any of that to happen with my hand up my slot, like an ATM card.
So I quickly removed it as the power came back on...phewwwww!!!
Lucky Lucky me.
On the bright side, I found out something very interesting about myself:
Go fuckin' figure!!
Which one are u?
Why do all offices tend to believe that "Rocketman" by Elton John is an oh so appropiate song for the enviroment. I swear if I hear "Rocketman" one more time this week, I'll die of a sudden respitory problem...and I'm not gonna even get started on the instrumental version, I've been submitted to for the past 3 mintues and 28 seconds on 'hold' by our local Electric Company...OH MY GOD..NOW they are playing an instrumental version of some sick 70's song...whacka whacka whacka...too doo doo..!!
U PEEPS NEED TO PICK UP THE GOD FORSAKEN PHONE RIGHT NOW...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the time a representative is on the phone, I will have gone into a state of complete shock and forgotten why I called in the first place...
i so much prefer the :
"Thank u for calling ______. Your call is very important. At this moment all of our representatives are attending other customers. Your estimated wait time is: 3 hours..."
all said in this "I really don't give a shit" voice.
Sick Sad World. (As my favorite Cartoon Daria would say).
Anyway, yesterday was mother's day...hoo ha!! **hint: note the sarcastic undertone in my celebration**
I hate holidays. Holidays I usually spend in my pj's all day without brushing my teeth, ignoring the pleas of a Hungry, dirty, child who has managed to eat half a box of chocolate cookies for breakfast..."Momma...please feed me..change my diaper...Momma..I am ur daughter!!" (ok..maybe the 'momma I am ur daughter' part is a bit exagerated)..I'm sure she'd say something like:
"U!! Remote Bitch...feed me..get ur lazy ass off that rocking chair and brush ur teeth for God's sake"...
Anywhoot, back to reality..yesterday was no exception.
My parents who live downstairs work in the 'restaurant' business and always work on Holidays. My brother is almost non-existent and he spends his Holidays with his girlfriend.
So me and C fly Solo.
After deciding at 2pm that I had to brush my teeth due the the mildew accumilating on the surface of my lips, impairing me to eat my second bowl of icecream...I took a shower and decided to finish Capote..
Which might I add, is kick ass movie. I am officially in love with Phillip Seymour and Truman Capote..following the Capote excitement, I decided to see "Breakfast at Tiffany's" written by Capote as well. With Audrey Hepburn. I bought this Audrey collection like months ago and had not seen it yet. I was halfway through the movie, when sister in law came upstairs.
She bought me the most beautiful bracelet and earrings, made by a puertorican artesan..very earthy..just my vibe..She also gave me this wonderful card which read: "To my sister".
She wrote that she considered me the sister she never had, and that I was the most awesome mom she knew and that she loved me and my daughter very very much..She almost made me cry...cuz I think she is so awesome and I think my brother is such an ass to her sometimes..and she loves C oh so much!!! Well after this wonderfull Puerto Rican Hallmark moment my mom came home...
Luckily me and C were bathed and combed (my mom would have had a titty attack to see us looking like homeless folk)... C almost managed to knaw my mom's hand off, which was carrying a slice of pizza...I guess cookies and pink lemonade don't count as essential food groups.
So she comes and I give her my gift which consisted of a bag full of a variety of essentials for her upcoming trip to Florida. Yes my mom who has not flown in 13 years will be on a plane...I fear for the safety of all who will join her and my aunts...a pure recipe for disaster..my aunt the 'church lady' who is out of her mind and says "Oh lord" everytime she gets the chance and my mom 'the eternal makeuplady who will leave no where without her blow dryer'. I kept her gift simple since I will be paying the expenses for her trip. My aunt paid her airfare, I will be supplying the rest. Yes I am stupid. I am sending my personal chef on a three week vacation. I see a lot of Lipton instant soup and pink lemonade in our future. (I mean I can cook, but let's face it, I get home like at 6:30PM..who the fucks gonna cook at that hour?)
Anyway..so we go downstairs and she gives me my gift...
and let me explain..I fear my mom's gifts...she rarely hits the nail with them. I remember horrid horrid outfits I have been obligated to wear just because I didn't have the heart to tell her they sucked, like this royal blue disaster with huge yellow sunflowers printed on them..There is photographic evidence of this outfit, in front of our x mas tree (Oh the Shame!!)...so now whenever she mentions gifts I'm like "oh NOOOOOO..REALLY U DON'T HAVE TO"..
But this year she's like: "u weren't here for ur b-day..so u get a double gift.."
She got me a purse, a really nice one though...with a bamboo handle and it's like crushed silk..in earthy tones...gotta admit..it looks just like me...
And she got me some shoes....
People need to understand that they can't just go and buy me shoes....
My shoe antics are different...
I don't mean to sound unappreciative but my tastes are very different...
People have given me shoes before..and I've always ended up returning them to get another pair when given the chance...when I can't return them, I'm fucked.
So she got me a pair of low wedged sandals...LOW?
My platforms and wedges are HIGH...I don't wear low wedges.
I only own two pair of flats..ballet style flats..and sneakers...
She got the color scheme right, brown and beige...kudos for that..
But they had FLOWERS ON THEM...little brown flowers on the strap that goes over ur toes...
DO I SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF GAL THAT HAS FLOWERS ON HER SHOES...??!!
The shoes were pretty and nice..in the 'let's wear u suckers to church' kinda of way...in the 'i'm a good gal and these are my good gal shoes' kinda of way...they are shoes fit for my sister in law..nice cute girly.
too girly for moi...
I said my heartfelt thanku's cuz I know the sacrifices she has made to buy them.
So, I'll be wearing my church shoes tomorrow...Aleluya!!!
I loved real, real hard once
But the love wasn't returned
Found out the man I'd die for
He wasn't even concerned
I tried, and I tried, and I tried
To keep him in my life
I cried, and I cried, and I cried
But I couldn't make it right
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love,
Then you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it,
If you don't catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it
When it hurts so bad...
Weekends I am not at my best...I have too much time alone on my hands in my house...so u must understand that the 'bullshit' trigger is quickly pulled..hence going into my Socrates philosophical bullshit phase..so bare with me...
This weekend I rented : Everything is Illuminated (hysterical and touching), Capote (haven't seen yet), Match Point (Woody Allen's latest flick..good movie, great twists), and Shopgirl.
Shopgirl is a novella by Steve Martin. Yes. Steve Martin the comedian of such popular hits like : Cheaper by the Dozen..Yes. He wrote a Novella and then adapted it into a movie. Let me say I am surprised. Not only is this movie very good but wonderfully cast, with great cinematography..(I'm sure I spelled that wrong.)
It stars Claire Danes as a woman from Vermont who has moved to Los Angeles and is currently working at the oh-so-frecuented glove department at Saks Fifth Avenue. She is bored out of her wits, depressed and alone. She just lives day after day at this counter, watching the time go by. In comes Steve Martin, a very rich, older man, who whisks away the 'shopgirl' to a life of expensive gifts, nice dinners and great sex. Only catch: Steve Martin's character, Ray Porter, has made it clear that he can't reciprocate any type of emotions or 'loving feelings'...to which to some extent Claire Danes' character understands...She just needs to be held, protected and paid attention to. With that, she is content, for the time being. But as things unravel she understands that there is more to life than those initial things she needed. She understands that this relationship is empty.
Which made me think, up to what extent are we willing to sacrifice what we need for what we want and vice versa? How long can a relationship last without reciprocity?
Human beings need reciprocity. U can deny this fact all u want. U can say u are happy living with "X" or "Y" person and have him or her be 'cold' and not give back love as enthusiastically as u do...but that is total bullshit. We want to be loved as much as we love and vice versa. We get dissapointed when we are confronted with a wall we can't get past, and when we see that we give give give and don't receive receive receive.
Sure, everyone 'loves' differently...That is totally understandable. But being in a relationship and totally giving urself to someone and seeing that those actions are not returned, is very discouraging if not heart-wrenching...
You ponder: Did I do something wrong? Am I invading his/her space? Am I being too pushy? Why can't he/her love me the way I love him? Why do I always have to give?
It's possible u haven't done anything wrong. But u do have to take into consideration that there are some people who just aren't up for the lovey-dovey-talk to me dear-relationship. Some people choose to 'love' diffently...We have to learn to identify these items and work with them.
In a relationship..neither party should feel they are giving more than the other and not getting back what they are investing. You should not feel cheated in a relationship...If u do, something is wrong.
We can't make anyone 'love us'..It doesn't work that way. If u don't feel right, u shouldn't be there. There should be some reciprocity that makes u wanna be with that person and make u happy. If u are always doubting whether or not he/she loves/likes u...something is out of focus or maybe ur just fucking' paranoid..
Whatever comes first.
But as so wisely, Ms. Hill has written in her song...what u want might make u cry and what u need might pass u by.
So get ur self a reality check and find someone who will reciprocate ur feelings...
I'm gonna go sit my ass to see Capote...shit...Ain't I Dr. Ruth...
After wiping several tears away and having a so - so week...I bring thee:
4 Superpowers I wish I had:
1.Flying...REALLY..HAVE U SEEN THE TRAFFIC HERE IN PR??!!!!!
2.Destroy people with a single look...yeah..I typed 'destroy'..sue me...My mom has almost mastered this power..I will become her apprentice...
3.It's not a superpower but: comprehend what some bloggers call the "Ewok" language of children...(*&^%#$&)(*)*, OH....so u want a cracker, huh...
4.Invisibility....well it was a toss between that and inmortality...but really, on this planet at the rate it's going who wants inmortality...I'd prefer being invisible..although sometimes..I get the feeling that I already am...lol..
Happy w-kend folks...
OH AND TO ALL THOSE SPECTACULAR MOMS: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...ALLTHOUGH I think our day should be all year long..cheap bastards!!
Exactly a month from today, the 11th, Miss C will be four years old.
My how time flies.
She is sooo not the girl I had a year ago, and definitely not the baby I gave birth to.
Having Miss C was the hardest decision of my life. She wasn't an 'oops'..but confirming your pregnancy while still in college and still not fully knowing what u wanna do with ur life wasn't easy.
When Miss C was born, she was far from a 'normal' baby.
I remember long ass nights of non-stop crying and midnight trips to the ER, just to hear everyone tell us:
"Your daughter is physically healthy.."
NO ONE seemed to know what exactly was wrong with her.
I was at my wits end. I hated everyone that came up to me and said:
"OHHH..Isn't motherhood wonderful?? Doesn't it change your life...Enjoy her while you can, cuz they grow up so fast".
Yeah...it changed my life allright, in a "I wanna pay someone to kidnap me and never make me reappear type of way". At 6 weeks, I wanted to send Miss C off to College...
I was literally a zombie. I was very sleep deprived. Everytime she cried I cringed. I yelled, cursed and hated motherhood. I was actually happy my maternity leave was over so I could get a break from her and let others deal with the mayhem.
I did not have a happy baby.
My mom didn't even wanna take care of her. I was going mad. Even through of this disaster I managed to graduate from College with a B.A. in Psychology that would come in handy in the months ahead.
As months passed, I managed to resist the urge of jumping out of a moving vehicle. I was worried. Even though people, like doctors and family, told me not to worry, Miss C was getting weirder by the minute. She was walking on tip toes, handflapping, having horrible tantrums that would last for hours, headbanging (and I don't mean it in a Heavy Metal rocker kinda of way), she would bite, be very agressive, at 2 years of age she did not talk or mumble or nothing..and she seemed like she was deaf.
I worried because even normal things like going to the supermarket were unbearable. Once we went, and she had a tantrum and managed to bite some flesh off my arm...I left everything where it was, groceries, the cart, and drove home. I remember crying in my driveway while Miss C wailed in the background. This was clearly not what I wanted!! I hated myself for not being able to to manage her..Christ I had a B.A. in Psychology!!! And while all of this was going on: my marriage was falling apart for totally other reasons. But that did not stop me.
I decided to get a second opinion.
First thing my new doc suggested: an ear exam.
After that came back ok. My doc suggested various evaluations by various specialists.
I had been doing some research of my own and kinda of suspected what the possible cause for all her behavior was, but didn't want to make a quick diagnosis without a real specialist. I shared my thoughts with my family and as I took her to her first evaluation, we all prayed for the best.
At the end of her 2nd day of evaluation, the psychologist sat me down and asked me what I thought. I told her I thought Miss C had many Autistic traits. She agreed. My world ended right then and there.
There are no words to console a parent, when they find out something is wrong. My mother even told me as I walked through the door in tears:
"But you told me you suspected that, so what's the big surprise?".
NO matter how many ideas I had, the confirmation Miss C being Autistic was enough to make me wanna die. Deep down inside I hoped my suspicions weren't true. I wanted to literally kill myself and be selfish and let others handle this burden. With that thought my journey began.
Months of tests, evaluations, specialists, all of who confirmed the initial Diagnosis (all except the Neurologist). Many very positive but a few offering negative prognosis for Miss C. Many told me I had to cope with the fact that maybe she wouldn't be able to talk or do many things.
I am Aries, a fire sign...don't tell me what she can or cannot do. I did not take "she will not be able to" as an answer.
I asked many questions, read like hell, put her in everything I could afford and was at my disposal. I cried, fought, screamed, but I did what I had to do. I felt the eyes of those who doubted my un-orthodox methods and my search for alternative medicine. I was NOT gonna put my 2 year old on meds. Till this day that is still the plan. I felt the scrutiny of eyes of those who don't have a clue and never will, that what she has is not a joke or is to be taken lightly.
At 2 years old, she did not talk, had no eye contact, no social skills, was agressive, and had lots of sensory issues. Just a mess. I wanted a little girl. Not this unrecognizable child who had no clue I even existed. I wanted her to call me "mommy". Hearing other children call out for their moms and seeing them play at birthday parties was unbearable and heart wrenching.
I slowly slid away. I stopped going out. I didn't want contact with the outside world. Then I met a wonderful support group Alianza de Autismo de Puerto Rico where I met such lovely people as Aimée, Arlene, Maria, Nino, Amelia, Yoly, Yeroline (a few whom I have never actually met in person)...I understood then that I was not alone. That I needed to make some changes.
So, I decided to conquer my demons. I got help for myself. I was so busy with Miss C, that I had gotten physically and mentally strained. I recharged.
Today, almost 2 years later, many things have changed.
I still have my issues. Which I am still working with.
But Miss C...oh boy, she is something else!
She giggles, she understands jokes, plays, has eye contact, follows instructions, talks...!! OH BOY DOES SHE TALK!!
she is like what Dory from Finding Nemo would call:
She still has her quirks...still plays with clothespins, still has her tantrums, but not nearly as bad as before, she has stopped tip toeing, and hand flapping...she hugs and kisses and knows her colors and numbers...
Recently she was seen by some specialist in Florida who told me she was in great condition!! and everyone that has seen her lately has commented on how great she has come along!! It's really impressive!! I can't stop looking at her and be amazed how far we have gotten...Her occupational therapist even said that she can hardly see ANY autistic traits in her anymore...Her main issues are concentration and speech.
Our road isn't over..yet..not by a long shot...but knowing that maybe just maybe she will be an independent fully functioning adult..makes me sleep better at night..cuz I always fear of something happening to me and leaving Miss C in the dark...
Like Catherine Maurice's book title :
Let me hear your voice...
I have heard Miss C's voice...and in a loud squeaky adorable one, it says:
Before I begin my post, I want to thank everyone once again for their words of encouragement, I needed them. And for everyone else who I spoke to on the phone yesterday, thank u!! It's good to know u can count on ur 'peeps'...lol..
Saturday...oh Saturday...the wonderful oh-so-nicely-planned-and-organized-event I was supposed to perform at....::sigh::
It was all wrong from the get-go...
I went to pick up my back up team...C & A...(A is a cool gal pal..and C is her 'man'..who happens to be an emcee, willing to help a gal out)...Artist also went along...
Empress called me as I got to San Juan to tell me she wasn't gonna make it. buaah!!! After she got a shirt made that said : "Corner support"...booo..
So I'm sad and worried and we get to the place...
IT WAS EMPTY..EMPTY WITH LIGHTS ON, NO MUSIC TYPE EMPTY..
So, we decide to go walk around and have a few drinks (bad idea)..and come back later..
On our way to drinks we realized that, that evening two things were going on:
Calle 13 Concert (a 'rapper' here in PR)
De la Hoya boxing match..
No wonder the place was empty.
Long story short, we got back, stayed there till like 1 am. Nothing had commenced. They had major fucking techinical difficulties and we were bored as shit, cuz we were like major 'solo', there was no one we knew. Just the four of us, sitting at the bar, eating shit.
So I grabbed my shit and left. Fuck.
Well, in all honesty, I was happy I didn't have to perfom. I was nerve wracked..and after a drink I was like 'zippidy doo da'...
Miss C had spent the previous night with her dad for the first time, so it was lonely waking up with out her, but I did manage to clean my room and as I was mopping I got a phone call from The Empress:
"Why don't we go to the B-Boy competions in Canovanas?"
"I'm tired, Miss C is gonna be here soon"
"Then we'll take her, so she can christen my new car with fries and juice"
(Empress just got herself a small SUV...hooray!!)
"I dont' wanna, I have nothing to wear"
"what??!! u showed me a shirt with the pricetag still on yesterday!!"
"It's two o clock, I'm gonna mop too, at 3:05 I will be at ur house".
Click. End of conversation.
So I'm sitting in my bathrobe seeing Creepshow, and in walks the Empress, in total silence and manages to scare the shit out of me when she says:
"hey, u ready?"...
Fuck. She can sell an igloo to an eskimo.
So we wait for Miss C. She arrives. We quickly change her outfit. I must admit my daughter looked so cutey patooty...Lil' Ecko Red shirt, jean skirt, Blue Suede Reeboks that light up when u walk...and two pig tails...She was the shit...
Oh..and let's not forget the Star shaped sunglasses Empress aka fairy godmother gave her...
So we get in the car and we're off..
We thought we were the shit, with our Hip Hop..
But Miss C isn't having it..She wants Madonna...Hung Up.to be precise..over and over..
So we get there..and it's like Old times all over again...
We saw so many people I have not seen in years..people who haven't even seen Miss C, who by the way captivated the looks, ooh's and aww's of everyone...cuz let's face it, she is adorable!!
We saw Rek & Ske (two of the best graffiti artists in PR), we saw friends, foes, Slinky (damn...slinky the dj' I have not seen in years)...To recap it was amazing..
Miss C was a lil scared at the begnining with all the crowd and loud ass music, but then she was tappin' to the beat and enjoying the b-boys..squealing in delight...We also saw the gal who had organized the event from the previous night..and she's like
"oh I'm so sorry u had to leave and that we had problems...but after like 3am things got better!!".
But I try to not make her feel bad cuz she did such a shitty job of organization and say:
"Aww don't worry I had to leave anyways..blah blah"
But, Empress, who never fails to make a lasting impression...lol..quickly corrects me:
"Yeah...She called me from the place told me it was good I didn't show up..cuz u guys had major technical problems and shit"...
Silence and nervous chuckles...
That was our 'cue' to exit quietly...
So after we managed to say to the gal's face that her event was shit & said hi to everyone we saw..we settled on the bleachers to watch the competitons..and Empress and I settled to do what we do best...make wise cracks and joke around..
My People, for those who don't know..
This is a casual event...It's a b boy competition. So the attire is comfy. I went in sneaks, shorts and polo shirt...Empress was a bit flashier..but it ain't her if it isn't flashy...
But man oh man there were people there who thought it was the Ritz..
high wedge sandals, glitter, skirts, flowers in hair...IN A FUCKING BASKETBALL COURT AND BASEBALL PARK...WEDGE SANDALS IN A BASEBALL FIELD!!!!! IN THE GRASS!!!!! SHIRTS WITH BEADS AND FLASHY DESIGNS MEANT TO BE WORN IN A CLUB...WTF??!!!
But then, oh then we saw what topped the cake, and made our day....
A girl who knew Slinky...an average sized blond...(with roots nay long)...She had on:
A fish net shirt...YES..u read right..A FISH NET SHIRT....BLACK...WITH A BLACK BRA..
Black leggings ...why oh why bring leggings back...???
A WIDE ASS BROWN BELT WITH A HUGE BUCKLE...
A WIDE ASS BROWN BELT WITH A HUGE BUCKLE...!!!!
A HUGE ASS BROWN BELT WITH A HUGE BUCKLE....
Why oh Why!!!!!!!!! Coco Chanel must be spinning in her grave...
Then to top it all off..cuz the belt just wasn't enough..
A PAIR OF BROWN AND BEIGE CHECKERED TIMBERLAND BOOTS...not cute, lil feet girly boots, but RUGGED CONSTRUCTION WORKING BOOTS...UNTIED WITH TONGUE A WAGGING...
Maybe she was auditioning for the Broadway role of "Wendy" in "Bob the Builder goes to Puerto Rico B boy Competitions"...
I couldn't tell for sure...
But those Checkered Tims...Made our day....on our ride back while Miss C slept and "Super Thug" played in the background..all we did was howl at the tims!!
Nothin' like the Good ol' days!!!
If there was a better road then I would find it,
I can't help but the road just rolls out behind me,
Be kind to me
Or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an Extraordinary Machine...
-Extraordinary Machine by Fionna Apple
I need to get this out of my system so bare with me. I will post about my nice weekend gone bad later...
I will NOT allow people to get under my skin.
I Cannot afford this luxury.
I am me.
I do not respond to anyone. Therefore I will not allow anyone to use psychological warfare to harm me.
I am not the nicest person around, I have issues. We all have issues. I have my weaknesses and I will not allow those who know them to manipulate my mind and make me think that I am to blame for things that are not entirely my fault.
It is easy to point fingers and be a victim. It is easy to think of yourself and forget everyone else in the big picture. It is easy to blame it all on me. Cuz people hate takin' credit for bad things they've done.
I am not perfect. But I am not mean spirited. I give when I shouldn't and get burnt in the end. And even though I know I am not entirely to blame, deep down inside it's knawing at my intestines and brain.
Today I pulled over and cried.
With anger, with frustration.
What can I do to make things right?
Why do I feel I need to make everyone happy.
Well I don't.
I have not hurt anyone.
At least not purposely.
So don't blame it on me. Don't make it out like i'm the bad guy here.
I have a crappy job that makes me unhappy but pays the bills, I have a daughter that needs me and I have given every ounce of my life to make sure she is allright. I have been there when people have needed me. I have been to hell and back...I have wanted to let it all be and take drastic decisions...and I am still here. I got help. I understood that it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. It's time other people start doing the same.
I am NOT going back from where I came.
So I am going to share my niceness elsewhere.
Cuz being nice ain't got me shit from folk like u.
So do what u gotta do.
Don't talk to me, ignore me. Act like I ain't alive.
I'll get over it.
I've gone through worse.
Blame it on me, if it's easier for u to sleep at night.
But in reality, all 'faults' are shared.
This one is not the exception.
We all go through hard times. This time I understand it's ur turn.
Welcome to life.
I will find a 'better road'...
and I will not give a shit how people make me to be.
Cuz I am:
A fucking extradordinary machine.
On a quick note:
I had a lunch 'thing' with my male friend, "The Artist", today. The X showed up to leave me the performance for tomorrow..Awkward huh?!!
More awkward: after our lunch...we couldn't find the booth to pay the parking ticket at, or "The Artist"'s car. He had forgotten to see which floor he had parked on. Might I add, he is the first man to admit he is a lousy driver, can't park and doesn't pay attention to car related details. I know more about cars than he does.
The conversation went like this:
"What floor are u parked on?" me
"I don't know" him
"What do u mean you don't know?"
"Well, I don't know".
We spent like 10 minutes walkin' from floor to floor, me with my stilettos, trying to figure out where the car was parked...Now imagine me, in this scenario, what would a girl do:
Laugh some more.
It was a good ending to a good lunch.
Shit...Blogger ate my Friday's four..
So here it goes again..
I'll make it sweet and short, try to get it right this time..and I've changed the format a wee bit..
Theme: Things that cause me anxiety and cause me to tear the skin off my fingers.(really u should look at them...eeek)
1. Waiting...I have OCD (Obessive Compulsive Disorder)...bare with me folks..
2. Messes...the cocoa-pebbles-on-the-freshly-sweeped-floor-type messes. They make me uncomfortable...unless it's a house with kids, which I totally comprehend, but an office mess, a restaurant mess, or messes in general..make me batty
3. Not being in control or knowing what's next...I am a control freak, not knowing possible outcomes and not having control over things, pushes me into cardiac arrest. Yesterday I was close to one, I was shaking, heart beatin' by the thou' and totally disoriented.
4. Going out to places with Miss C: cuz franky my dear, u neva' know how she is going to behave. Just thinking that I have to take her out with me, is enough to make me hyperventilate..
Well folks that's Friday's Four...
Feel free to suggest themes..and put ur own anxiety quirks..
Happy w kend..mine is full of anxiety...I still have no performance set up, no beat, no nada...and all I can think about is:
WTF am I gonna wear??!!
So much for setting priorities...
I'll fuck up my performance, but I'll look flawless..
"Son you'll never catch me preach-ing what I'm not practic-ing
Word War II, Platform the illest flows
I know my hunger's real, I still get nauseous at shows
My motto, I didn't write but this I quote:
";It ain't where you put your words, it's where you don't";"
The Platform by Dilated Peoples
I do still get nauseous at shows. I am nauseous right now. I don't know how I manage to get myself into these things.
Yesterday evening I got a call from an old friend from the music scene. He had the task of calling me up, because a local dj from a radiostation is having an 'activity' on Saturday, honoring Women in Hip Hop. She wanted to contact me and invite me to this thing.But, since I have been MIA from the scene, since giving birth, she didn't know how to reach me, so she called my friend and he called me. Since he knows my 'Sitch-tu-ay' (situation), He told her before even talking to me:
"Look, I'll call her, but I doubt she'll come, she doesn't do these type of things anymore, and if she does come, she won't perform, I know that for sure".
So he calls me up, let's me know the info. I must admit I was extremely flattered they have even considered inviting me. I mean I haven't been around for such a long time, but to have people remember the things I have done, it's very flattering. I told him, to his shock and mine:
"Ok, I'll go. The ex has Miss C this weekend. I can make it. But I don't have to do anything but show up, right?"
"NO. You don't. U just be there. I'll call her and let her know".
We talked a bit more, went over the guestlist and guestperformers and hung up.
My heart was racing. I was/am estatic.
But I'm cool, cuz I just have to show up, right?.
I am a masochist. Really I am. I mean I just can't show up there, as a guest and not perform. Right?
So since last night, I've been conjuring up a plan, maybe a little freestyle, maybe recite a poem, maybe both. Nothing old, something new, current, cuz I really wanna complicate my life with something new to memorize in only 2 days.
So now I'm digging in my crates, patching up a show and dusting myself off.
I already feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Ain't nothing like the adrenaline of show.
On my 101 Things, The Empress has pointed out something that I have noticed I have not posted about yet:
My "Special Family"...notice I used the term "special" because the term I usually use, might be offensive for some...(psst.lean in closer, I usually say 'retards')
For those of you who have had the opportunity of meeting my fam, ya' know what I'm talkin' bout. Empress and Brazilian Princess know. I don't know if Brazilian Princess remembers, but if you turn back the clock, I bet u can.
Let's begin with Exhibit A:
I don't know his age. He keeps telling me he's 46 every year. So I've quit asking. Physically I have his color skin: white & his chinky eyes...that's it..THANK GOD.
I would not want his thin lips and oddly shaped nose.
Anyway. My dad is...well, how can I put it, quirky, odd, stupid, silly, or plain out of his fuckin' mind. We have never had a very good relationship and so we kinda of drive each other apeshit from time to time. He is obsessive compulsive, things have to go in a certain order, like his clothes, shirts, etc. His shoes all go in their original boxes in their bags, nice and neat. He polishes his shoes everyday and if u dare touch his freshly polished shoes, ur officially on his hit list.
He has a finger, his thumb, which he cannot move due to an accident as a child. And everytime he is ironing his clothes and his inmobil thumb gets in the way, he bangs his hand on the ironing board and yells:
"DAMN ALL HANDICAP PEOPLE!!! &*^%$*) ::bang bang bang:: I DAMN U GOD, FOR MAKING ME HANDICAPPED!!!"....
Picture hysterical peeing type laughter from me and my mom here.
"KEEP MAKING FUN OF ME!! I CAN'T RULE IN MY OWN HOUSE...DAMN U".
Picture uncontrollable laughter in which u are crying here.
He hates when it rains. Cuz he doesnt drive or own a car. Travels only by foot, or public transportation, in his Tommy Hillfiger shirt,tie and slacks (yeah, cuz he's a stuck up retard). When it rains my mom suffers cuz he starts cursing and saying that God is Shit and he is being punished. My mom usually prays outloud asking for God to cut of his tongue, for saying such mean things about her God (This coming from a woman who tapes her lottery tickets on my grandma's pictures and prays God will help win a buck or two).
He hates it when u kiss him. Hence I never kiss him, or hug him or tell him that I love him. Neither does my bro. I only do it when I wanna drive him completely insane, I love to see him squirm.
He has a weird way of manifesting 'love'. He's never done so, to us. But he does show 'love' to Miss C:
"Miss C...grandpa's motherfucker"...
I swear that, that is what he says.
My dad talks really fast. Even for a latino. Sometimes u can't make out what he is saying, and we all just nod and say 'yes yes'. Most of the time, he mumbles. My mom calls him "Mr.Mumble"...that's when he doesn't stutter, or continuously repeats himself. If given the case he has had one beer too many he'll do all simultaneously. Then we're really fucked communication wise.
It's really embarrasing having friends over, cuz he'll get goofy and stupid and fart (yes, fart, he did this last week in front of my brother's girlfriend and I was mortified..Oh...so that's where Miss C gets it from...) and he does all other kinds of things u'd wanna kill him for later (Like tell really bad jokes. Me and The empress taped him once telling joke of a turd and a flower).
Now, if ur a regular at my house, and ur name isn't Cory (my bro's best friend who my dad wants to 'kill'), he'll take a liking to ya...and he'll do this each and everytime he sees u:
"Hey...The good ol' the good ol' the good ol' (insert stutter here)_____(insert name here)..where u here?!!" and he'll proceed to shake ur hand furiously...
And we'll probably just laugh in his face and he'll ask why we are laughing...
He buys stuff we don't need. He can't eat nuts. He is allergic to them. So every X mas he buys a bag of nuts.
One night, during the Holidays, me and my brother are at the table doing homework and he comes home, settles down and approaches us at the table:
"Where are my nuts?"
Me and my brother exchange "WTF?" looks
"We don't know"
"I bought a bag of nuts home today, where is it?"
"I don't know" I answer.
"You probably took it" he accuses my brother.
"Why on earth would I want a bag of nuts?" bro answers
"By the time I get back that bag of nuts better appear".
Look. We normally do play pranks on him, but this time, it's like dude, we don't have ur nuts.
So by the time he comes back, he's pissed.
"ROAAARRR *&^%^%$#@#$%^ GIVE ME MY NUTS!!!"
So you know that now were are hysterically laughing...
"We don't have em!!"
So he comes to the table,and this is where it gets good, he picks up a sheet of notebook paper on the table and looks UNDER it.
Now my people, how the fuck is it possible that a bag of bulging nuts is hiding under a sheet of flat notebook paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, now we are crying and roaring with laughter....
So he storms into the bathroom,which faces the table where we are at. And we keep on laughing and lifting up the sheet of paper and going: NOPE IT AINT THERE..
So he pokes his head out the door, with shaving cream still attatched:
"YOU!! (My bro) I'M GONNA PUNCH U IN THE FACE U LIL FUCK!! AND YOU!! (MOI) ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA SLAP U SO HARD FOR BEING SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL FUCK!!"
Long story short, mom intervened, the case of the missing nuts was solved (he had left them in his briefcase, yeah a bag of nuts in his office briefcase, then he wonders why his co-workers make his life a living hell), and there were no apologies issued. Just a nice story we like to tell over and over when he's banging his thumb on the ironing board...
Exhibit B later on..
I never claimed to be your saviour
I said I had a dirty mouth
Stop analyzing my behaviour
If you're too dumb to work it out
I've got to keep myself together
You know I hate to disappoint
A masochistic lamb to slaughter
Maybe you miss the point?
-Dumb By Garbage
Seems like the theme in all my conversations with gal pals this week, is RELATIONSHIPS, MEN, AND ::SHIVER:: LOVE/LIKE...
I've been really catchin' up on my gossping this week with The Empress and some other gals. Me and The Empress go wa-a-a-a-y back so we basically are on the same wavelength. We usually talk 'bullshit' but seems like for the past weeks, we've been on the 'relationship' theme. I've also noticed the coincidence that my conversations with other 'gals' have been on that too.
We usually tear apart men, dissect them, overanalyze them and totally trash em'. You know what I'm talkin' bout. The 'men are assholes that can never be fixed and all of them are equally the same' trashtalk. But seldom do we point out that we women, are of a odd breed as well. Obviously men and women were built differently, we think differently, our cpu's are totally wired in opposite directions. But yet, we crave companionship, we crave to be in relationships, whether we'd like to admit it or not.
Now, to the point I am getting. Women, and I don't mean to offend anyone, after all I am a very liberal type gal, (who deep down inside, wants the nice fam, the dog and the house), we don't usually know what we want, especially when it looks like we're gonna get it.
Someone asked me once: Why do women fall for asshole/bad boy type men?
My answer: I have no idea. Well really I do, but I'm just not gonna get into those deep waters today.
We usually want the nice, polite, bring home to mom guys. We want the guys, who'll remember to bring the ice cream, who'll watch movies with us, who'll compliment us when we're in our sweats. Alas, we never wind up with this guy, and when we do wind up with a generic proto-type, we make a quick get away, like if they guy was a lepper.
For example, I have been in relationships where after a few weeks all is well,but deep down inside u have no fuckin' clue as to what is going on in his mind. It's like playing scrabble with Q's, X's and Z's and no vowels. Totally impossible. Cuz women, are nosy,we want emotion, we wanna know what the hell is up, we wanna pick ur brains, we wanna hear nice things, even though we say outloud we don't. Come on, who are we trying to fool?. So, relationships with men type 'walls' literally drive us, up one.
Then we have the 'Mr.Perfect, but there has got to be a flaw somewhere' relationship.
He's the type that is too good to be true. The guy that holds doors, buys flowers, pays for everything,shows emotions, but alas, is the the guy you whisper to your friends about on the phone and say:
"he's so good, I'm paranoid"
"well, he's got to have some flaw..." they so supportively answer.
WHY THE HELL CAN'T HE BE PERFECT. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE SO PARANOID.???
Eventually we break this guy's heart and send him off, cuz u're SURE he's hiding some secret.
And last but not least you have the mixed breed. This is the type of guy you dream of, you absolutely like and u think have a really strong chance of building something solid with. It's the guy that gives u goosebumps and makes u smile like an idiot one day, and then the next day it's like ur listening to mass in Arabic. You have no clue. He's always giving out mixed signals. Or is he? He's so nice and charming one day and then the next day it's like he's living a double life as an Ice Cube. So now , once again, dissapointment comes and we don't know where we stand with this guy, after a week of dating...lol....
See, we women crave attention, love, affection, blah blah...when we get it, we run and hide, and when after a week we don't get it we go hysterical.
We can't blame it all on the guys.
I think deep down inside we are all just masochistic lambs waiting for our pastor one day, and then wanting to go to the slaughter house the next. We wanna play on both sides of the field. We wanna be strong and independent, but we wanna be dependent and weak once in a while.
Relationships are tedious and trying and difficult. If it were easy it would not be so gratifying at the end, and wouldn't be worth our hassle. But today this one is for the guys: We women are the Shit...I know.
We can have the best of both worlds, but our paranoia gets the best of us...Baaahh!!
I am a big baseball fan. Yesterday was the first game between old time rivals, New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox..at no other then Boston's Fenway Park...
I HATE BOSTON.
I can't emphasize how much I dislike them and how funny it is that Johnny Damon, once Boston sweetheart was last night making his debut for the Yanks.
there was even a poster that read:
Looks like Jesus, acts like Judas and throws like Mary.
The "jesus" reference was on his old look. He used to have a beard and long hair, hence, looking like Jesus.
Yankees protocol does not allow that on it's players. They have to be clean cut.
So anyway, the game is on, Boston is winning the first two innings...Yankess go ahead in the 4th. I'm happy. But not for long.
Fuckers went ahead in the 5th...kept on hitting..kept fuckin' hitting..
So now i'm like "What the fuck is up with our pitchers!!"...
Then with two bases loaded comes fucking Ortiz and hits a homer past Damon....Shit...
So I'm like "AWWWWWW FUCK!!!!!"
only little detail?
I said AWWW FUCK outloud, in front of Miss C. I immediately saw my error and then proceeded to make a face of "OH shit"..and Miss C, smart as shit...senses that what I said was wrong and what does she do:
She smiles and says :
"AWWW FUCK!!"...and giggles...
So now, with the cellphone in my ear, and friend telling me I shouldn't curse in front of Miss C, which I hardly do, but I got so emotional with the game, I'm trying to scramble to my feet and be a good mom "No No, we don't say that"..
"AWWW FUCK!!" x infinity..
She just kept repeating and repeating...
and I couldn't stop dying of utter embarrassment listening to my sweet autistic daughter saying "AWWW FUCK".
So I proceed to ignore her and eventually she stops...
But we still lose the fucking game.
AWWW FUCK...DAMN YANKEES!!!