I knew it all along..

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!


Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.



Why am I NOT suprised??

Proteck Ya' Neck.

This is our "Secretary of the Board of Education"




The same guy who insists on replacing the Special Education Assistants with the "lunch ladies", yeah the cafeteria staff who apparently are overstaffed. They plan to place these 'lunch ladies' in the classrooms before the next school semester which begins on August 14th.

I saw a replay on the hearings at the senate and I am so happy the senate people chewed his ass.

He just sat there and grinned. I'd like to smack that grin off his ass.

He also always wears a bowtie.

I'd love to crank that bitch up like a propeller and watch his ass fly.
Just for the hell of it.

Motherly Advice

No I am not drunk. Yes I know it's midnight. No I have not been doing any ilegal drugs. Yes. I am sure. Why am I so loopy? Why am I struggling to write?

I seem to have developed an allergy on my left bottom part of my face, near my chin. It's not like a rash, not even visible, but itches like crazy. My mom, the ever-so-wise-lottery-playing-lady told me:

"You should take a tablespoon of Benadryl for the allergy".

So now, when I finally have peace and quiet and I can catch up on your blogs, I feel like I'm on acid and gulped down a liter of vodka.

Bad bad bad.

Being that my mom was in 'advice-overload' mode, as I walked up the steps, in the rain, with my 'benadryl-high', I heard her yell at my bro:

"Hey!! You need to get off that phone and make sure you have condoms in your pockets before you head out!!!"

I may be high on Benadryl, but I do remember laughing all the way upstairs and thanking God, I was born a girl.

Where art thou Murphy?

Well he's not too far away. He's never too far away. He's there hovering over my life, making sure that today when I went to get a fan, I picked out the box that had a missing part, realizing this when I got home, hence, making an extra trip to get it returned, and hearing a lady in the line say the following when I explained the missing part issue to the cashier:

"See, that's what ya' get when you don't check the boxes"

My take:
I put an imaginary gun to my head and pulled the trigger, with sound effects and everything! I think she saw me, cuz I immediately heard her trap shut up.

*****
Second thought of the day:
If it ain't about ya', mind ya own God damned business!

Just for you Aimée...

Awww..what is this that I am reading?....that Boston lost last night...wait..there's more?...that the Yankees shut down Tampa Bay, 6 to 0...that Chicago barely won.

Oh...seems like good news travels fast to my Inbox...and even quicker to Blogger.

Endless Possibilities...

In the search to becoming a better mom, after therapy this morning, I decide to take Miss C to get some new sneakers. She already owns two pairs that fit nicely, but both are white. Miss C has an obessive compulsive mother, these sneakers are not worn unless they are fucking spotless. Her grey sneakers, need replacing, so says my Mom:

"Um...I know you like her grey sneakers, and she's had them for the past 18 months, but just so you know, they don't fit her anymore".

Don't give me that look, they've fit well for the past year and a half, I have to get my money's worth.

So, we drive to the mall to get her some sneaks. Bare in mind, I'm a fashion momma, but I'm not gonna pay more than 30 dollars for some sneakers for her. Sooo not worth it. So we go into Marshall's and see some cute black sneakers...very sporty, very fashion. Miss C's take:

"No...don't like black".

Ok. So I wanna be a good mom and Miss C has to learn about choices anyway. So I decide to find another pair, this pair being grey, purple and having a white trim and tell her:

"Ok, pick one, black or grey"
"No...no sneakers".

Ok. fine. you've just saved me 20 bucks. Let's go.
So I go to pay for some sunglasses I desperately needed. Please make a note that I hardly wear shades, but lately the sun in the morning is killing my driving skills. So as I am paying, I become very aware that "shit, she does need new sneakers, regardless". So I give it another try:

"Miss C, do you want some sneakers?"

"Yes. Sneakers yes".

Great. So we go back, I sit her down, I try on the black pair and she says:

"Black no".

Fine. The black ones were two small anyway. So I try on the grey, they fit great and we start out to the cash register.

"Momma, my black sneakers".

Fuck. Didn't she just say she doesn't want them? And even is she did, they are too small and there is no larger size.

So I try the whole reverse psychology stint. I take both boxes, which are identical, to the cash register. I tell the gal:

"Pss..::whispering:: This second box I'm not gonna buy, but she wants them and they are too small, so I have to fool her into believing I am going to buy them".

Gal winks and cooperates with my mission.

Everyone is happy, gay, content. Everyone is full of glee. Miss C insists on carrying her bag with her new sneaks. We get to the Death Van, I ask her if she wants to get breakfast, she happily squeals, we get in, I start the car.

As I am pulling away, I hear her opening the bag and I look through my mirror and I see her pulling out the box. She opens it.

"These are not black!...my black sneakers!"

Fuck. What is wrong with these kids??? I wasn't that smart at her age, and boy I was smart, believe me.

So on it begins...all the way home...

"Black sneakers, black sneakers!!!" wah wah wah!!

"ok..ok...the sneakers are at home"...

"no no no". She starts opening up bags, throwing keys, launching quarters, money...the whole shabang..

People are honking horns, giving me the finger, yelling stuff about my momma.

She threw herself on the floor and fell asleep.

As I approached the bakery she woke up. I feared for my life. She took her new sneakers, lifted them up in the air and said:

"LOOK!!! My sneakers new...they are pretty!! they are mine!!"

Phew!!!
::shakes sweat beads off forehead::
So much for choices and endless possibilities.

******
Thought of the day: If you are still single and want to get married and have kids, let me send you a video of my life...it's a great reality check.

Motherhood Moments...

Hearing my daughter name different animals: astonishing
Having her 'read' with me her favorite book: amazing
Having her poke me in the eye with her teddy bear and instantly turning me into an eye-patch wearing extra in the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie:

Priceless...

Seems like my original Friday's Four idea has been sabotaged...

I will not name names or point fingers...
But don't worry, no compromising pics will be posted...

Now to my post.

We've all had bad days. We've all had moments when we have been the laughing stock of the group...we've also had embarrassing moments where we wish things could somehow go back and never be what they were...

So in honor of those "yeah, make fun of me while you can..and kick-me-when-i'm-down-or-embarrass-the-shit-out-of-yourself" moments...I bring to thee, Friday's Four:

The "If you could turn back time" Cher Edition

1. On my way to see "Lords of the Underground" in the 8th grade. It had rained and it was cold so the rain froze on the ground. Fashion Momma wore a skirt and tights. I was on my way to school with my gal "Bernie" and behind us were the two most "IN" boys at school. They were even talking to us...until my lame ass, slipped and fell knees first on the floor. My tights tore, I scraped my knee, I was bleeding and all through out the concert, Alvin and Jason (the IN guys) kept looking at me and replaying my fall bit by bit...I hope you both are broke and stuck with lots of babies momma's for being such bastards...

2. Walking into Library...last year of college...full of books looking for a place to sit and cram some studying before first class...slip on waxed floor and fall knees and face first onto ground, beginning to see a pattern???...lay there for about...oooohh let's say 5 seconds...while hearing the "gasps" of people...see people scurry to help me up...jump up and walk away very briskly...Never going to library again...and walking limp for about 3 days...Yeah laugh...I don't think that was that funny...but I bet the bored ass librarian did...

3. 2nd Grade, Mrs. Gunthorpe's Class. I was sitting next to Dione. Ain't my memory good?? It's the short term memory that's shot to shit. Anywhoot, I had just sharpened my number two pencil and was curious to test how sharp it was. Out of nowhere I felt compelled to stick my pencil point into Dione's cheek...and in return getting scolded by Mrs. Gunthorpe, in front of a bunch of immature Second Graders, who made fun of me at recess...and making Dione never wanna sit next to me again. Dione if your reading...hey, it was just a teeny tiny stab...no like trauma or nothing...right?

4. First day of College. I am the ever-always-fashion-maven. Freshmen, usually try not to stick out...I am me. So I did the contrary. I wore a Neon Orange Colored Vest to my first day of college. As I walked around campus, enjoying the crisp air, the excitement and my bold yet fresh fashion choice someone yelled:

"Hey....a walking construction cone!!!"



::walks very quickly into hallway and scoffs::

Baf!! what do they know about fashion??!!

***
Now I know you fellow readers have "if you can turn back time" moments...please please share!!!

Happy freaking weekend...

The roof...the roof

..the roof is on fire...we don't need no water, let the muthafuckel (as my dad would say) burn!!

::suddenly turns around::

Oh..sorry..got a bit carried away..but might I add:

"WE are the champions...we are the champions..OF THE WORLD!"

She is GONE. GONE FOR TWO WEEKS. For a split second I actuallly thought she would miss her flight. Hell, there is still a chance that she did, but I snuck out early. I even told our accountant that if he did not want to see my head spin exorcise style he better get to steppin'...

What a day..what a day...
My boss throwing last minute 'important' stuff on my desk...like writting thank you notes...and 'less important' stuff like preparing files to be sent to banks...this is how she prioritizes. Very Very Business Like. Our company is going far in the world. Very Far. Expect me to be like on the Forbes One Hundred Top Personal Assistants very soon.

But she is gone. I paid everyone and made sure I returned to my peace and quiet. Tomorrow a tower-high stack of paperwork to be filed awaits...and a long pow-wow session with our accountant to get our sh*t together. ::sigh:: The adrenaline just keeps me going....

*hint* meant very very sarcastically

I was waiting for a bonus from a sale we did...and just before my boss whisked away, I reminded her and she gave me the crappiest bonus on the planet...
So I did what any other person would do...
Go to the mall and spend half of it on my daughter...
I got her the most kick-ass outfits...she is gonna be one sharp toddler at her school "casual days".

In between the throwing-every-one-out-and-spending-money-i-should-be-saving-but-fuck-what-if-i-die-tomorrow, I fit in a chat with "A". Can't give out too many details..he specifically told me not to write about it on my blog.

So I will be nice..and I won't gossip.

******
Ok. This is the part of the post, where Empress and Art can officially check out.
Yes. I am going to post about baseball. I have not posted in a while. But, Aimée, I have been watching. I have been watching how good we have been lately and how both your teams lost last night, while my Jason Giambi scored our two run win over Texas. A-Rod has been getting a tad better. He has really sucked these past few games...he's made a lot of stupid ass errors he shouldn't be making at this point in his career. But on the other hand he's the youngest player to make it to 450 runs. Ain't statistics fun? But I still think he's overpriced...and overrated..even if he is a Yankee.

::makes mental note to ask for Aimée's postal address to mail her Yankees cap::

tonight all of our teams our resting..if I am not mistaken...
Tomorrow all three play..at the same time...
I hope they televise the Yanks...

******
So after this boring ass closure for my post..I will retire...I need to bask in the glory that will be my reign as boss for the next two weeks...I have to think of employee torturing devices and find my whip...any suggestions for torture are greatly encouraged..

I also need to think of my 'Friday's Four' thingamabob...

So see ya...

Bon Voyage Charlie Brown

& don't evah come back...

The title of one of my favorite Peanuts movies....

It's 9:45am...at 2:49pm my boss is scheduled to get on a plane and not be back until August 7th....

She is talkin' bout canceling the flight and leaving tomorrow...

GOD...if she DOES NOT get on this plane today...I WILL literally take all the paperwork she has shifted from her desk onto mine and set it on fire...yes..if you have noticed the pattern here, I am a PYROMANIAC...

Right now, all I'm hearing is the blah blah blah, that the adults on the Peanuts say...

She is a nice lady...but days like today, where she has procrastinated until the last minute and doesn't even know that today was a holiday and the banks are closed and doesn't even know what time she is schedueled to leave....

ARGGHH!!!

these are the days, why I don't understand why rich people are so Freakin' INSANE!

*****

Thought of the day:

All the money in the world can't assure you a road to saneness...

I heart Sad Sam's

One short car ride with a sermon running on the phone...
A fake cop telling us that we parked crooked...
Using this parking lot, when we are actually gonna eat someplace else...
Listen to the 'quirky' cashier tell us we should order two Chocolate pies, because the other half of us, who didn't order pie, was gonna want one...
Listen to another kid, tell my other lunch half which sodas in the machine weren't working...

Finally sitting down to a long-awaited lunch to get all the juicy details of my best friend's new romantical interest....which by the way were so cute and 'awwwing' they deserved something like this:





Lunch was really made for Gods like us...

BTW: I am rooting for "G" all the way, Empress!! So beware of the dark side...stay away...cause "Vader" can't really be your "father"...it's a metaphore people, get with the program...

******
Today's thought of the day, brought to you buy Empress & Moi:

"When you're on a bed, laying down in the dark, everyone looks the same: Pitch Black"


(Our take on the fact that some men aren't genetically programmed to be Mos Def or Justin Timberlake/Method Man)

******
PSSS...on my romantic front..."A" is trying to redeem himself....
In the words of Kanye West: "It's gonna take a lot more than coupons to get you saved"....

Children Games...

Look what I just read...this is horrible..
New Monopoly game uses debit card, no cash

Jesus Christ, How I will miss that green, pink and yellow cash...

Bad...Bad..

Someone was just telling me something really serious...and they actually said a sentence as Yoda, from Star Wars would say it...like in reverse...

OMG...from laughing hard I did try...

Moments like these...

Taking Miss C to get a Mushroom type hair cut: 15.00 dollars
Buying her a tinker-toy from a vending machine: .25 cents
Coming home and finding her Mushroom top, putting her mini-sofa in front of the fridge in order to use as a booster, to open the freezer to take out a freezer pop: Priceless

*****
Thought of the day: When you say "NO", what the Fuck do other people understand?

Detox

Today was officially day one of detox. It is the first day you are on your own after leaving or finishing something you've been accostumed to for quite some time. It can be a boyfriend, a job, a certain type of food. It is the first day after you have decided that things cannot keep going at the pace they were.

So how am I feeling?

Quite paranoid, stressed, edgy, short of temper, exhausted and full of insomnia.

But kinda of looking at it from another perspective, I've kinda of always had those symptoms, waaaay before anything else...I think they were hardwired into my brain.

These Japanese Mechanics...!!

So I will keep my head held high and live by these wise wise words, courtesy of TLC's Life Lessons:



******
This is a long ass holiday weekend!!
I am not scheduled to work again until Wednesday. So obviously, when my mom asked me if I would like to go to the supermarket for her, while she watched Miss C, I jumped right on it. I've been with Miss C since Friday, watchin' Tom & Jerry kick each other's asses. I needed a way out.

So she instructs me to go to this lil' mart near by to pick up some hotdogs, hamburgers, etc, cause she was gonna set up the grill and we were gonna take a dip in the pool. So I walk into this place, which I am completely unfamiliar with and it's like a laberynth of boxes all over the place, you can hardly fit your shopping cart through the isles, just really crappy. So I get most of the stuff on the list, but she had jotted down: "Ground Beef" and "Whole Chicken".

I know how to cook but I ain't the meat expert ya know. So I'm like standing there like an idiot looking at all this ground beef with different names attatched. Can't one package just say:

REGULAR FUCKING GROUND BEEF???

Thank u.

So I call my mom, I'm reading the labels out loud, people are staring, then I go to the chicken part, I know about chicken breasts, boneless skinless breasts, don't ask me about entire chickens, and don't ask me questions about pounds, prices, brands, colors...does it look yellowish? Is is a normal sized chicken? Does it look fresh?

I don't know...it's dead...isn't dead stuff not fresh...? isn't the correct terminology, Is it freshly dead?

So I get the chicken...I'm talking to myself in the isle, people are staring, I am looking fab, might I add, with blue shorts, beige sandals, a black and white purse, a blue graffitti handkerchief on my head and an orange shirt that read:

"My Reality Check Bounced"

Aren't supermarkets fun??

And I'm not gonna even go into our lil' bar-b-q and the fact that my father said he can distinguish Airplanes by their sound. My dad is a regular Superbionic Man. He can't sew a button, or remember shit, but he has superbionic ears that can tell if what is flying above us is an American Eagle Plane or a 747...

Shit. I am so fortunate.

Our 5th Crown!!

On a very superficial note:

Puerto Rico has won it's fifth Miss Universe Crown!!!

Yeah, I watch these Pageants...so what??!!

My top two choices were Puerto Rico, because aside from being from P.R., girl could work it!! and Japan..

I was secretly rooting for Japan...her costume, which won by the way, was a kick-ass red/black Samurai Costume...her evening gown was gorgeous and she was just real sassy!!

But our gal won...
Impressive Record..
Last year we were the Runner Up...

So Congrats to Miss Zuleyka...!!!

Guilty as Charged

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris."

Carrie: Quoted from "An American Girl in Paris Part Deux", Sex and the City Episode

Yeah yeah...blah blah me...heart-of-stone-no-feelings-as-warm-as-a-penguin-taking-an-ice-bath, wants that.

But then again...who doesn't?

Even if we say we don't want commitment...that we want our freedom, that we want our space, deep down inside, very deep down inside...or right on the surface we want love, real love.

The type of love that can't be bought with random gestures, once in a blue moon, or once in a week. The type of love where you wanna talk to this person every day and tell them how your day went and vice-versa. The type that makes you wanna be a better person in hopes of creating a better relationship. It is the type of love you can envision yourself in, even beyond today, tomorrow or next year. The type you wanna make plans with, for the day, weekend, or afternoon. The type you don't have to guess where your place is, because the other person always lets you know where it is.

I am not asking for a written contract that gives me a title. Because at the end of the day, titles are bullshit and you can wipe your ass off of them. I am asking for commitment. I am asking for something I don't have to guess at. Something where I am not constantly told I must have patience to receive, like a child on some trip whose parents promise them a 'surprise' if they are good. And I don't mean it, as in meeting someone and instantly hooking up. I mean it, as in a relationship that has been in development for a while, but seems to be taking some sick loophole and repeating itself over and over, as if not to go foward, and only take you on an eternal merry-go-round-of a detour. I don't wanna be in a loophole forever. Foward is the only way to go. Backwards or constant repetition is not in my vocab.

I am asking for what every human being on this planet, admit it or not, wants.
I am asking to feel special and not like some part-time-once-loved-pet that you ocassionally remember to feed and take for stroll.

In the ever-so-real words of fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw, I want the "inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love", not the "oh-hey-i-forgot-you-were-there-but-i'll-call-ya-when-i-don't-have-anything-
else-love".

So, I guess I am Guilty as Charged. And deep down inside, or just right on the surface, I am a hopeless romantic, waiting for the prince to show up in a kick ass SUV (we need the room for the kid..don't ya think?).

Arghhh me Harteey!!

"My ARGGHH French Fries!!"
"My ARGGHH French Fries!!"
"My ARGGHH French Fries!!"
"My ARGGHH thataway!!"

Sound familiar? That is what I had to deal with this morning at 10 am after therapy.
There were still no MC D's with fries and nuggets at this hour, only breakfast.

What is supermom to do?

Well for one:

Get bitchslapped in the face by her wailing 4 year old in middle of full blown tantrum over Pirate Fries from the Happy Meal of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Bitchslapped as in...open hand when you are not expecting it, straight to cheek, right in the entrance of MC D's.

Second:

After recovering from B.S., beg the cashier to throw some fries and nuggets in the frier. She's not supposed to eat any of these due to her diet. But I was fearing for the life of the patrons in the joint. She's bitchslapping now, maybe later she'll pull out the AK-47...u know how toddlers get these days...

Her fries were served and I was tired.
Ain't nothing like a bitchslap to knock u out of your 3 day insomnia fest.

*******

Speaking of B.S.'s , yesterday I got a cyber B.S. I was online, surfing the net...reading your blogs..when out of the blue, and ol' ol' lawyer friend..who we will call Ted shows up.

Me and Ted go 2 years back. Good buddy. He's a yuppie, tennis playing, beach loving, very smart, funny, quirky type of guy...a lawyer with ADD, who was covering a case on a big Oil Spill, which I took every chance I could to make him feel guilty, cause he was protecting the big bastards...

So anyway...he moved to another firm...we kinda of lost touch..and precisely last week Empress asked about him. Well we talked yesterday. He's up to his eyeballs at work, bought a new walk up and was in his hometown for his Bro's wedding.

His Bro is 40 and this is his first wedding. We spent hours calculating the big surpise his Bro was gonna be in for...haha...Me and Ted are both divorcee's so we know the drill.

Our conversation was cut off by my bro, who wanted the phone line to talk to his gal, hooker lady, who had just left...

I had seen them earlier downstairs playing Tonsil Hockey....YUCK!!

******

On a "happier" note...seems like the wedding bug has attacked. "AD": friend who is having baby...got married yesterday. She let me know by text message at 8am this morning. The last thing I wanna read at 8am is that someone got married.

Nevertheless, I wish her the best.

That rhymed...isnt' that grand?

So...afterparty is today...Me and Ex are invited. They are mutual friends of both. So we are probably gonna go. Don't get any ideas people. This is strictly business.

******
So off we will go to the wedding-bliss-part-ay!
I have nothing to wear, no gift and absolutely no real vibe to go..but "AD" is my gal..so I'm gonna have to suck it up.

******
Thought for the weekend: Weddings are like 80's fashions. They were cute once...big belts, leggings and shoulder pads...but their time has gone..and should never return..!!

Before we get into the post....I have not posted about Baseball (Empress I know you hate it...but here it goes)..

We lost last night...We were winning...but Toronto later kicked our ass...Welles hit a homer to end the tie....Christ..!! It's a four game series so let's see...

*************

You knew this one was coming, sooner or later. The Ultimate Cheap Ass Bastard slamming Edition.

Come on...don't give me that look...!!
I know, you know, that you've had, at some point, some Cheap Ass Bastard, C.A.B. (for short) as a boyfriend/girlfriend. Hell if you're fortunate, you might have had a few. I say fortunate, because they make for endless hours of blogging and storytelling on a gal's night out.

I think I have been unfortunate and I've only had one. But this guy, this guy was such a C.A.B., he's probably in like the C.A.B. Hall of Fame, or member of the Honorary C.A.B. Club.

I met this guy, during my depression era. I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend, for good. I was heart-broken. So I did what any gal would do, go clubbing, get drunk and dance my lil' heart away. One night, Empress and a friend of ours, "Energizer" introduced me to this guy. He seemed nice. Not too shabby, dressed cute, had a job, had an education, was from New Yawk. So, for a rebound relationship, it seemed like a cool move.

Me and my 'cool moves'.
Here's my Friday's Four: C.A.B. Edition

1. On one of my first dates with him, he bought a beer for us to "share".
This was wrong on so many levels.
A. Do I look like I drink Beer???
B. Even if I did, do I look like I wanna share one with you? I want my own stash.

2. He invited me to the club we met at, I had to pick him up, and at the entrance I noticed he only pulled out a $10.00 and he looks at me and goes:

"I only have to pay my way"
OH NO HE DIDN'T.
Needless to say, he spent much of his time, solo at the bar.

3. On my way to his house to visit, he asked me if I could stop at a local place and get a dessert pie. I bought it. Stayed at the house for a while, but when I was about to leave with the pie I paid for, he told me : "Oh, you can take a slice if ya want".
If I want??!! Ya' think? I paid for this shit. R U shitting me?


4. And Last, but definitely not the least, the "Pieze de Resistance". On X-mas, I had spent some of my salary in getting him this kick ass game he wanted, I had it wrapped up real nice, and got him some candy and shit...total amount spent: around 80 bucks...He calls on X-mas Eve that he wants to come over quickly because he wants to give me, my gift.So he shows up. I give him my present and he's all amazed and happy. So he hands me his. He hands me this like...errr...::scratches head in search for good description::...rectangular shaped thing, wrapped up in this wrinkled ass, stale-looking-ghost-from-x-mas-past-paper. He's still marveling on his gift but says:

"Sorry bout' the paper, it's recycled"
Ok. Now I am getting worried.

So when I tear the paper off, I see that it's a stack of about 6 CD's. I'm like:
"Wow!! Music..I love music"
But then I notice, that the CD's don't have any wrapping on them, the jewel cases are scratched and the titles are really old:

1. Luther Vandross...
2. Bodyguard Soundtrack
3. Brandy's first Album
4. Waiting to Exhale Soundtrack
5. I have no idea
6. Same as 5

We're talking about 3 years old or more CD's...

His take:

"Oh, I hope you like them, they were lying around in my house and since I don't listen to them anymore, I thought you'd might like them".

I solemnly swear this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

As you might have figured out, we broke up shortly afterwards.

****
**Update**
Empress just called, she is inviting me to go on Sunday, to Club Lazer's (Monday is a Holiday) to go see Uncle Luke, founder of 2 Live Crew...

I'll see if I'm up for that challenge..I'll keep ya posted!!

On another invitation note: "A" has invited Me, Empress and whatever other guests to my company's HellHouse...errr..I mean Guesthouse for next weekend. He'll be paying. We'll see how that goes...cuz ya' know how my last trip to that place went...

****
Thought for the weekend: If he's sipping Corona...beware...be-very-ware...

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest..

I have officiallly snapped. I have officially reached my wits end. I am oficially restraining myself to not break the glass top on my desk.

ARGGGGGHHH!!

When will this all end??!!!

I think my decision is clear: Sell death-van, buy two one way tickets and haul ass...

Death-Van is ready for pick up...
Only thing is...nothing was done to Death-Van. Nothing wrong was found.

Let me explain. Death-Van is working. It starts. It runs. But when it runs for a while, it will shut off. If you try to start it again, it will turn right back on and drive for a few more miles until it decides it wants to be a bitch again.

I AM NOT CRAZY. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP...WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE THAT SOMETHING IS GENUINELY WRONG WITH MY CAR!!!!!!

All the crackhead mechanics dismiss my worries.
"Sorry ma'am, but ain't nothing wrong that we can detect"

Well then detect some more.

"Sorry ma'am, ain't nothing wrong."

I know I'm rambling on about this car situa' but my daughter has missed therapy already because I have no transportation. I don't wanna keep asking for rides and borrowing cars.

That is why I bought a car!! To drive it...!!!!

Vrroommm!! Vrooom!! Beep Beep!!!

And the phone in my office keeps ringing..my boss keeps asking me for stuff, like wanting me to book a hotel room without a date...she doesn't understand that this doesn't work this way...contractors asking me for money we don't have...a sale that we desperately need to go through has been delayed for like the 4th time this month...I don't know if I am gonna get paid tomorrow due to this...

IT'S HAYWIRE I TELL YA'...PURE HAYWIRE.

Fuck. I need a drink.

I think the 'special ocassion' I was waiting for to open my bottle of wine, has finally come...

::hiccup::

School Supplies

I have been meaning to get my school shopping underway. I am usually the first one to get my shit together and have everything set by this date. Alas, by situations out of my control aka Murphy tha muthelfucka, I have been set back.

I can always go shop and take public transportation, but taking public transportation with a 4 year old on this Island is the equivalent of sticking your head out of moving vechicle as it passes another car aka pure suicide.

This morning I went to Walmart, before I got to work. No. I still don't have the Death Van revived, but my Boss lent me her wheels. So I go in, scan the area, and nada, zip, zero.

None of the things on my list were there.
What kinda of fucking Walmart are you?
What kind of list of supplies do I have..?
shoot.

1. Fotocopy Paper (500 sheets)
2. Play Doh Clay
3. Finger Pain
4. 8 onz Color Paint in Primary Colors
5. Yarn
6. Crayola Big Crayons (They have to say Big) and I have to buy like 3 packs, cuz Miss C is an expert at making them Vamoosh!
7. UHU Glue but the kind that says "POWER" (Which by the way, I did not find last year)
8. White Glue
9. Shaving Cream
10. Contac Paper
11. Body lotion with fruity smell
12. Toothpaste
13. Toothbrush
14. Handy wipes
15. Toilet Paper
16. Mop or Broom, choose one
17. Bounty Select a Size...yes, she asks for brand names
18. Latex gloves, for those kids who are still in diapers, like Miss C
19. Lysol Liquid Cleaner
20. 13 gallon Garbage Bags
21. Anti-bacterial Dishwashing liquid
22. Anti-bacterial liquid soap

This without counting on the Uniforms, shoes, bookbag, lunchbag.

and this list is double: Cuz she has Daycare in the afternoon and they ask for supplies as well....

Aint that dandy...

So, Saturday I am on the hunt for these "exclusive" school supplies....Fuck Dead Man's Chest...this is like the scavenger Hunt of the season...that and the Hunt for Death Van Working...

****
Thought of the day: We live in a Tropical Island...so why do people where socks with their sandals?

**School Update**
"A" took me out for our traditional Wednesday lunch. I told him about my school supply mission this weekend. His take: Let's go now. We have a couple stores in the area. I'll pay.

"You'll pay for what??" MOI

"I'll pay for the school supplies...I wanna help." "A"

Me being the independent ass that I am, let him pay one of the minor bills, but I paid for the rest. He kept on insisting in each store. It was a pretty sweet gesture though. Especially sweet to Miss C.

Insert "AWWW" here.

Educating Minds...

It was brought to my attention that I am always throwing myself a pitty party. I was told that "I feel sorry for myself".

Actually, I feel sorry for my daughter. She's the one who's gonna grow up with a mom who is bitter at society.

Better??

I was told: that I should give thanx because there are people in worse conditions than I (NO Shit Sherlock). I give thanx. I know that I am fortunate. But that does not mean that I don't get angry, frustrated, sad, furious, depressed. I was told that I need to do something to change my situation. Like what? Rob a bank? Take over the Presidency?? A Revolution?

Any bright ideas are welcome.

What do people think I do all day? Count my chest hairs??? Fuck, if I was really down and out, I'd stay at home, consumate all my sick days, mope around, cry, do shit, let the government pay for my sorry ass. But I am not. I work everyday, I take care of my kid, I do my share of shit.

So for your information, and to educate the minds out there who think we live marvelous easy lives and we are whining bitches...

Think again.

Even if the one shit doesn't stink as much as another shit, it's still Shit.

Capice?

Murphy's Wrath Part Uno

There was drama, comedy, adventure, thriller, NO Romance, but all the makings of a perfect Low-Budget Indie Flick.

Long ass car ride: check
Parents driving you off a wall: check
Toddler raising hell: check
Murphy's Presence: U bet ya' ass!

So this is how Empress and I, spent our 15 year anniversary.

10:00am

Empress rolls up. We pack our shit and our on our way. Empress, Miss C, Dad and Me. One big happy fucking family.

Empress decides that before we hit the road, we should stop for a lil' breakfast at the drive thru of BK. After Empress calls the Drive Thru lady "Elizabeth", when her name was something else (Yeah, you called her Elizabeth, Dad and I both heard you). Miss C wanted french fries. Ok. So we get her french fries. Miss C wanted Tenders. So, now we're screwed.

No tenders.

So she whines a lil' cause she wants tenders. But gets over it. Then she falls in love with E's Palm Pilot. After screaming and begging and whining we give her the Palm Pilot. Jot ya' lil' heart out!

This is when things begin to get bad.

A Toddler with a Palm Pilot are signs that things are gonna get really bad, really soon.

So now she wants the change we have for the tollbooths. We give her the change. Lord knows we don't want to upset her on a three hour car trip.

She drops the Palm Pilot jotting pen. We have to pull over, search for the Godforsaken pen, hand it to her. Keep driving. Miss C starts getting obnoxious. Whining, asking for stuff, hopping 'round the car..blah blah. Miss C's mommy starts losing her patience. I threaten her several times. Several times, until I lose my patience and try to discipline her.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Idea.

The Wrath of C was unleashed.

"BWUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

All the way home.

Well not home, but all the way till our destination, which might I add, we weren't even halfway there yet.

She cried, she screamed. We pulled over, we switched seats. I went to the rear. She kept on crying. She tried to bite me. She tried to jump over the seats. She was the long lost tropical cousin of Damien.

Empress being the sport that she was, was trying to keep her cool and concentrate on the road.

But aha!
Right before our next tollbooth, we tried to take 2 quarters out of the change Miss C had asked for before.

Bad Idea # 2.

"MY MONEY!! MY MONEY!!"

We gave her back her money, but it was too late. The guy at the tollbooth looked at us, as if we were kidnapping this child and taking her abroad to be sacrificed to the Gods.

Quarters started flying. Miss C was so pissed she started throwing the quarters we had given her.

::sigh::

Nothing we did, would make her stop. Not even my crack-ass antics.
"GRANDMAAAAAAAA...GRANDMA!!!" while pointing in the opposite direction. As if she were saying: You fucking shitheads, we live thataway.

By this time, we were lost. Empress didn't see the exit. I do not fucking blame her. I was surprised she didn't ram us into a security barrier. By this time, Miss C was in the front seat with my Dad. She was still crying but the tone had lowered a bit. And then:

"Chooooowooooo!!"

We get pulled over by a cop.
We quickly try to scram Miss C to the back, but she begins crying again. We think we are getting pulled over for this, which by the way, let me add, I am against toddlers in the front seat, but his was a fucking emergency for our sanity. I'm getting ready to pull out Miss C's ID's and tell him our situation, when cop guy tells us we were speeding. You'd actually think we'd be driving at 10 m.p.h. in this situa'?

Fuck.
He then asked if we were planning on keeping Miss C in the front seat, which was not allowed. We then explained our situation, the almost 60 minute crying fest we had just undergone, and he gave us this oh-shit-u-poor-folks-are-so-screwed-but-i-already-wrote-the-ticket look. He wished us good luck and a safe ride.

Not forgetting to hit us up with the $140.00 ticket.
Ouch.

Still with me?

Ok. I'll let you guys catch your breath and I'll be back with part Deux.

The Reading

Still without Van. Said cousin who was going to help is MIA. Go figure.

Rain: We are having some type of Rain Event...it will be raining all weekend. Sweet.

Witchdoctor: Yeah, This one is a Doozy.

****

Let's make a long story short for the benefit of my dear readers:

Got in my office at 8:30 am (I had my boss' Mercedes SUV for the past day on loan). Boss is talkin' bout how fucked up my luck has been. She tells me I should go to her 'witchdoctor' and get my cards read. She says she will pay for everything.

Ok. Go get my cards read, for free, while the company clock is ticking...fair enough. Let's make this clear, I have never been to any of these places. I had no idea what to expect. And of course, I am completely skeptical. I believe in anything your mind can imagine, and I also doubt everything I can experience.

So I get there and I am greeted by this lil' ol' lady, who gave me this nice vibe. So we go to her 'work area' and she immediately begins her stuff. The first few thigns she told me were just plain silly. My comments are in italics:

1. You are in the process of buying an apartment....
Um..No...
She tells me: Well you will be soon

2. Your brother, younger brother, will leave his job soon...why?
I could give a shit about my brother...I came here for me...

3. She tells me I am going to move, because I have conflicts with some older people.
My parents perhaps?

And so she goes on talking bout how I have a job with lots of responsabilities (but who doesn't), that in the future I will work with many different races (if I move to the states that is a huge probability), and so forth.

Nothing too convincing.

Then she deals another set of cards.

"I see a little girl. She is about 3. What illness does she have? She is sick".

ok. now we are getting somewhere.

She talks about that for a while, then talks about other personal stuff, which I will leave personal, but will add, she was right on point. So by this time, I am really starting to giggle nervously.

She asks me if I am pregnant. If I am pregnant?? Fucking no way! That is not even a possibility. She then advices me to take care of myself, because she sees a boy in my life and me getting remarried.

::shitting bricks::

She tells me she sees a trip. A trip that will bring me lots of prosperity. A trip that will allow me to prosper and be happy.

Can it be my move?

But then it gets better.

She then deals some more cards and her face gets pale and she gasps...

::knees banging::

"What?" I say...

"You have been having trouble lately. You have invested lots of money in a project that doesn't seem to be improving".

No shit.

She goes on:

"Oh my...someone doesn't like you. Someone is determined to make you unhappy. Someone has cursed you. A very powerful curse. This person doesn't want you to be happy. This person wants you to be damned."

Fuck.

She looks at me and adds: "I was gonna suggest we do something simple with you, but this that they have done to you, is very powerful. We have to do a spiritual cleansing" and she goes on to explain to me what I must do.

I leave with absolutely no idea what to think. Can this be true? This lady said so many things to me, I was shocked. How can someone know that many personal details of your life???

So I drive back to the office. Boss wants to know the details. She decides to call another 'doc' of hers.

Ok. Now this is beginning to freak me out.

Doc is on the phone. Asks my zodiac sign, my name...blah blah. He does a simple thing over the phone. His take:

"Someone has done something powerful to block her happiness. Someone truly wants her to be miserable. I must see her immediately. Tell her she must believe in God. Her faith is very poor. She must believe in God".

::click::

I don't know what the fuck any of this means. But you can rest assured that, and I quote from Monsters Inc. :

"...Now is the time to PANIC!!".

2nd time around...

Ok. Seems like we are gonna try and do this one more time.

Sunday: Cabo Rojo, Puerto Rico (southwest end of Puerto Rico

Mission: Meet up with my mom who is staying there since Friday; Spend the Day on Sunday and drive back later in the afternoon.

Participants: Me, Miss C, Empress....and MY DAD...

Our secret mission: Ditch the DAD and stay till Monday at some cheap hotel while my mom watches Miss C, me and Empress can get our groove on and chill...

Stay tuned folks...

Cause I may not have a vehicle to move in...but I ain't eating shit this Holiday weekend!

Southeast...we coming..!

Friday's Four: Epiphany Edition

Howdy Ho!!

Seems like the stress has been giving me all types of signs these past days...

Before I get to that, I'd like to display my mom's outtake on all my bad luck:

"You know, I was thinking, that I think those Foot Patches are the ones giving you bad luck. They are sucking all the good luck out of your feet. Those things are from the Devil. All alternative medicine is the Devil's work."

Ok.

If you say so.

Just in case, I didn't put my patches on last night.

Who the fuck knows.

****
On another note, back to my signs. I dreamt that I was Mike Meyers' girlfriend. Mike Meyers the guy who does the Shrek Voice aka Austin Powers. Yep.

He wanted to sleep with me and I told him that I couldn't keep our relationship going this way. His take:

"Well, I can't give you what you want. You have to understand that this can never be serious".

Ok.

Very disturbing. Me and Mike Meyers an item. Sleeping together.

::shivers::

****

Ok. So here is Friday's Four, Epiphany Edition. Four breakthrough moments in my life:

1. When my dad got arrested. I am not gonna go into details. Only that I had him arrested. It was the moment I understood the empowerment I had over my life.

2. Oct. 30th, 1993. When the plane from Newark, landed in San Juan, Puerto Rico. One look at all those palm trees and I knew I was no longer in Kansas. I knew that things were never going to be the same.

3. Summer 2001. When two very important people in my life passed away. I realized the very delicate string we are attached to. I understood the frailty of life and how we never know when our turn is up.

4. The first time I performed on stage. I realized: "Shit, I can really do this, I really really can!!"

So there ya have it...Four out of the many moments in my life that shifted my point of view, that helped mold me into the grand 'son-of-a-bitch' (as my dad would say), that I am now.

So my peeps?

Have you had an epiphany you'd like to share?

*******
Empress, I know you'll probably read before we actually talk today,soooooo, hit me up, I have a weekend proposition for ya'...It has some kinks..but I'll lay it out for ya'.

*******
PS. Shout outs to my pally pal from the West...Ya' know who ya' are...!!

Lunch minus Frescatas

So. Empress called. She works nearby. Went to have lunch. Wendy's. No Frescatas. Good Ol' Fashioned Nuggets. Thank you. We met up with another dear Friend "Mr. P".

::rolling in laughter::
::gaining composure::

Mr. P works in the Media Industry. Talks about a concert. Tony Melendez. Tony Melendez who? A guy who sings religious themes and plays the guitar with his feet. Ok. I won't go into details of all the other things that came up after this theme was brought at the table.

We also saw a double for Jack White:



I kinda thought he looked more like another guy, which I hope Empress will post a pic of.


It really didn't matter, whoever he looked like, we all almost spit up our lunch.

::giving thumbs up::

Smooth.

A lil' bit of Faith.

This morning my cousin came over to take a look at Death Van. He fidgeted, he cleaned, he took it out for a ride..blah blah...

All seemed ok. He told me, not to be stupid and call him in case something went wrong.

Seems like for now, that is the only man in my life, that's gonna make sure things get resolved.

So I take Miss C to daycare, took Death Van to get the nail out of the tire. And as I stood there in the shop as the guy was fixing my tire, I remembered a quote from Six Feet Under. It is an episode where Brenda and Nate's newborn is in the hospital. Nate is dead, but his spirit tells her:

"Too bad you don't believe in anything, cuz you could pray".

And as I watched a chicken literally cross the road, I did something I have not done in a long long time. I prayed.

My prayer went something like this:

"I know that you know that I know that I am one un-appreciative bitch. I know I don't probably deserve any of your attention. But please, please give me a hand. Don't forget about me. Help me get through this."

::sigh::

Typing that was exhausting.

So tire is fixed. Get in Death Van. Drive to work. Windows down and trying to stay in the right lane, just in case.

There was major traffic on the freeway and I prayed my lil' heart out. I got off the freeway and as I was turning on my boss' street, Death Van did her usual. She stopped.

::sigh::

At least it stopped on my boss' street and not on the freeway with the morning traffic.

I turned her back on and drove her to my boss' house.

And there you have it folk.

Things don't look like they are gonna get better.

And the pressure is on to make a decision.

Shall I foward my plans of leaving?

Because buying a new car doesn't make any sense if I still plan on moving to Florida.

Or should I keep investing money in this piece of crap Van.

Cuz even if it is a Toyota. I think it's shit.

I need to hold on to the lil' bit of faith I have left and think this is all for the best. For some strange and unexplainable reason.

But the stars are aligning and everything is indicating that this is definitely my cue.

*******
Last evening as I lay in bed pondering my future and how fucked up things are, and how at moments like these you really know who is there for you and who isn't, I got a call...it was "A".

I was a bit upset, groggy, had taken some pills and still was zoned out...I don't really remember the conversation..but he asked, I think, if I had called, which I hadn't.

A few words later, I think when he asked "what was wrong?", I think I answered something along the lines of: I hate people, or I hate you all.

I don't hate 'you all'. But I did realize, at times like these, who are the ones that will really stick their necks out for ya', who really wants to be your friend, and who just wants to be there for the ride.

Something like that. Then I told him I was hanging up.

********

Thought of the day: When all else fails, just sigh, or yell out a good "Fuck you!"

Rescue 911

I am seriously considering changing the name of my blog to: Ripley's Believe It or Not!

Because what I am about to tell you, you might not believe. Hell, the last few posts are probably unbelievable too. Alas, today is different. Today I had a witness, which I will later reveal.

But first, a quick recap:

1.Last week: invested 1,400 dollars in my Death Van for a tune-up

2.Friday: On our way to our mini-vacation Death Van performed it's ultimate feat: Dying

3.Tuesday: Take it to the mechanic, they fix the Power-Steering Pump which had broke

4.Tuesday afternoon: On my way home from said mechanic, Power-Steering starts acting up again.

5. Wednesday morning: take to mechanic, they check pump, it's not working. Put in new Pump. I am told that things are gonna be 'swell' and that I have a good car, which I should not set on fire.

6. Wednesday afternoon (same Wednesday, aka today): on my way home from work, while telling the X the latest Death Van repairs, said van stops working. Stranded in the Rush Hour.

Got it?

Let's take it to that moment:

"X...the van just stopped. The Battery sign is flashing".
"Shit...::chuckle:: you sure have crappy luck".

Glad I can be of amusement.

Moi rolls up her sleeves, decides that I am gonna check out the battery, the terminals, because maybe they are dirty or loose, blah blah...go to the back of van to get tool box...

Aha! Took toolbox out this morning cuz it was going to the mechanic and I didn't trust my tool box there.

So I fidget with the terminals and Death Van starts up again. We ride for let's say oh...5 minutes when, boom it's off again.

Turn it off. Let it chill. Start it back on...ride for about 2 more minutes, when it does it again and I decide all bets are off. I call the X, he is of no help. I remember I have Roadside Assistance. They tell me they are gonna take at least 90 minutes due to the Rush Hour Traffic. So it's basically "Sit and Wait".

I have not lost my temper. Because frankly nothing surprises me.

As I look through my side mirror I see this Mini-Suv slide to my side and park in front of me...Who is it?

Empress...aka My Witness

Small island, huh?

Out of all the people in the world, my bestest bestest friend happened to be on the same road at the same time.

She's like "Shit...ain't u screwed".

Told her the tow truck was on the way, so she offered me a seat in her plush new ride, to kill time.

"Your just in time, I was just gonna light one up, wanna join me?"

What is a girl to do?

"Um...like yeah".

So we sat in traffice, smoked some "enlightment", which lead to making a sign that read : "Fuck Off If ya ain't gonna help", for all those assholes that liked to look, but didn't help.

And by the way: No One , I mean No One offered us any help. Not even all the police cars and motorcycles that sped our way.

We smoked, made jokes, told her about my crappy weekend...laughed...I laughed so hard, I actually slobbered over my sleeve.

And just when we were about to play a nifty game Empress thought of, called:

"Let's see how many people taking out their boogers we can count"

the tow truck came.

She smiled: "Hey I kept ya company, but that's my cue".

"Thanx".

"At least now you'll have something to blog about".

U bet I do. Thank you for being there. You were the only one there for me as usual. So thanx. These types of gestures can't be measured ever. Love ya'.

But I gotta get back to the story.

Tow truck guy steps out and I panic. I mean he sounded young on the phone, but I didn't think he was 10!

He got my van on the flatbed. I got inside. He asked me what music I would like.
I told him that right now I really didn't give a shit.

His answer:
"So, if I put on Devil worshipping heavy metal music, ya' won't mind?" as he continued to turn the dial.

"Ok...anything but Heavy Metal....Oooh oooh leave it there!"

They were playing Sean Paul. So we rode blasting Sean Paul. Kid made cracks about me living in the "Hills" and he got me home.

When Miss C saw me she went beserk. My mom told me she had to take her upstairs so she could see for herself that I wasn't around. She hugged me, kissed me and smiled. I returned her love.

I sat at my table to eat. My mom, the cold-hearted bitch, was silent. I broke the silence:

"I got some real fucked up luck huh?" MOI
"It's the devil. The devil is trying to keep you off track. Don't let the devil beat you, that's what he wants". MOM
"Well, I'm mad. I'm mad at God. (insert sobbing here), cuz I try to do things right. I am a good mom, I don't fuck around, I am responsable, and he just keeps shitting on me" MOI

My mom then starts crying and says:

"What I wouldn't give for you not to go through all of that. There has got to be some sunshine, somewhere. There has just got to be!!!"

Abso-fuckin-loutely

On the wrong team.


David Wright is on the Wrong Team...Well, actually he's on the leading team in it's division. But last night in the All-Star his team lost. Boo-hoo...A guy with a mug like your's needs to be winning all night long...He is hawt!

He almost even won the Home Run Derby, but alas, did not.
Big "Papi" didn't make it to the last round. Tsk Tsk.
But the important thing is that our American League won.

On a funny note for those who were watching the game, when they announced the starting line-up for the American League, Ozzie Guillen, the coach, told his players in Spanish, on live TV:

"Vamos a comerles el culo".

"Let's eat their asses".

Ok. If you have a thing for asses be my guest.

Whatever floats ya' boat.

****
The Death Van is still in the shop. Undergoing massive surgery. I still have very huge intentions of setting it on fire. Just for the hell of it. I am in i-dont-give-a-fuck-mode.

****

It was recently brought to my attention that I am a 'rebel without a cause'. As I mentioned in my last post. Got me thinking...what if I am on the wrong team?

What if everyone is right? and I'm just like holding on to something that doesn't exist. This crusade for what's right and justice and crap, will it only, in the long run tucker me out and provoke massive ulcers...?? Shit I already suffer from heartburn.

What if, this illusion that I can make a difference, is just that? An Illusion.
Fuck.
Talk about a waste of time.

Should I draft my ass to the winning team, and sell my soul to the opposers (I can't say Devil, cause I already think I have done that). Do I betray all that I stand for? Do I go and live a life of peace, serenity and go with the flow?

What would be the point?
To sleep at night??
I don't think I could. Regardless.

Besides I wouldn't have anything to post about.

*******
Thought of the day: We are not put on this earth to babysit Misfits

She bangs.

As in 'she bangs her head on her desk, on her steering wheel, on the kitchen table'.

She as in ME.

I am so sick and tired today.

Mecanic came over to take a look at the 'Death Van', hauled it back to the shop.
I hauled my ass to work.
Picked up my van at 4pm. Paid the mecanic $ 300.00.

On my way home: there was a nail in my tire. Stop and get some air to fix it temporarily.

Arriving to pick up Miss C: Van starts acting up again in the same manner it acted up last Friday.

WTF???
WTF???

I literally wanted to ram my van into the nearest post available. That or douche it with gasoline and lite it on fire.

I managed to get home, call up the mecanic who was utterly shocked that the van isn't working, cuz "he fixed it".

Bullshit. It is still leaking Powersteering liquid. Fuck I am not that stupid.

I get home come inside and cry. Cry and Cry and Cry.

My sensitive mom's reaction:
"Well, hell ya' aint' gonna resolve anthing by crying"

No shit Sherlock.

My piss-off-leave-me-the-fuck-alone reaction:

"Ya' know what? I need to cry. I want to cry. Why can't anyone just let me cry??"

Fuck. Sometimes I just need to cry. Sometimes I just want people to fuck off and let me be.

Jeez.

I have know hired a hit man to kill Murphy.
Or kill my mecanic.

whatever comes first.

For now: I'm off to see the all-star game.

Not all is lost.

Magic Eight Ball Part Deux

So where was I?

Oh. I remember. No power. A toddler. A dead mini-van and lots of awkward silence.

Yeah. We were on our way to eat. We ended up at this lil' restaurant by the ocean. Nice. But face it. I'm tired. We're tired. We're starving. So we just order what we please on the menu (I ordered some delish shrimp), but Miss C is getting restless. A kid can only take so much. She had behaved so nicely but she was at her wits. She starts banging on the table with the silverware...banging hard...making mucho noise, causing stares from the rest of the paying patrons. I try to calm her down, make her peep down a bit and she decides that the best way to get back at her bitch-ass-mom-who-doesn't-wanna-have-fun is to stab her with a fork. Mutliple times. After bout' the 5th stab I decide that it's enough. I scold her and all hell breaks loose. She reminded me of "BOO" from Monster's Inc., with the wailing and everything. So, I in return, to avoid further mortification and embarrassment on our table, decide to crunk up the bozo-the-clown-my-mom-is-on-crack meter, proceeding to make silly noises, faces, eventually calming her down.

After our meal, we head back. Electricity is back on. After some crappy TV we decide we need a liquor refill, but alas, after our short walk to the store, it was too late.

I CAN'T GET ANY LIQUOR EITHER!!!!!

After this we decided it was time to get to bed. At 2am I get a call from the other room:

"Is your A/C working?"
"Umm..come to think of it...No...It's fucking hot" MOI

Seems like during our off & on electricity boogaloo our A/C's went haywire.

My room had no ceiling fan or windows.

We stood in the hallway for what seemed an eternity trying to figure out a master plan to get the A/C's working. None worked. I mean "beating them with the broom handle" and "setting them on fire" weren't too well thought out.

We decided to face the heat and go to bed.

Couple hours later Miss C is up. I decide to make some soup in the "Polly Pocket" microwave only to spill half of it in there, cuz the door didn't open compeletly. We all decide we need to go take a last dip in the "Death Pool" before we leave. We go in for a while. Leave. Get out shit together and get the fuck out.

Not before, Murphy decides to rip out a hell of another rainstorm, making us take so many wrong turns we forgot to keep track.

Finally 3 hours later, as Empress would say, we were back in "Baya-Bronx". I didn't think I would be so happy to get back to my contaminated-traffic-filled-construction-polluted town. The sign to "Baya-Bronx" was the equivalent of a sign from GOD.

We all had a miserable time. I am guessing that, since I tried to apologize for the crappy weekend I lured everyone into, and no one offered words of encouragement like:

"Oh, don't worry. We had a nice time..blah blah blah"

The silence translated more into: "Die Bitch".

So, my bags were literally left the bottom of my stairway and I was left in my garage to take my bags upstairs and sulk in my misery.

Two days later (Tuesday), I am still working out my fucked up van issue, and I have not heard from any of the parties involved in my Magic Eight Ball trip.

So the question remains:
Empress, you still think your up to traveling with me?

Magic Eight Ball, Part I

Do you my readers by any chance know Murphy?

As in Murphy's Muthafuckin' Law??!!

Yeah? No? Well I do.
And I want him dead.
Hell, this disasterous weekend might even get 2 posts to avoide possible suicide attempts on behalf of my readers.

So where to begin?

There's a saying: "It's not the same to call the devil than to see him actually come".

Mickey D's. Lunch. Almost ready to go.
My dumb ass:

"Hey Miss C, let me use your Magic Eight Ball (from the Pirates of the Caribbean Happy Meal) to ask a question...Will our weekend be nice?" (For those of you not familiar with the Magic Eight Ball, it's a ball that has liquid in it, you ask it a Yes or No answer question and shake it, then read the answer that comes up on the screen)

Answer: The seas look rough.

Ok. Not the answer I wanted, but then again, how the fuck is a Happy Meal toy gonna predict my weekend?? Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong, will, is a crock.

But the joke, was soooo gonna be on me.

So we're off. 35 minutes into our trip, grasshopper, aka mini van, decides to fall apart. You know, the same van that fell apart last week. The same van that got 1 grand invested in it. Yeah, that bitch. She started gushing out the powersteering liquid, started smoking and making all sorts of near death noises. We had to pull over near the toll, get out shit together and make the biggest decision ever: Turn around.

Turn around. Take my van back. Find someone who could give us a lift to the alternate car. Unload and reload two times and avoid lighting myself on fire. That was our mission. 3 hours, lots of whining, silence and bad music later, we arrived at our destination. It was 10pm. We had left my house at 2pm.

The place was sweet. I mean ultra modern-chic-fancy-classy sweet. The kind of place where you'd like to live in. Very private, quiet. Nice pool. Comfy Beds. But oh, but, nothing can ever be picture perfect. We soon discovered that the fridge was kinda not working too well. But, Fuck it. We'd buy ice. We'd find an alternative. Nothing was gonna ruin our trip anymore. Our first night we were so tired, we unpacked, drank a bottle of wine, while watching TV on the 13 inch screen (yeah, 13 inch) and went to bed.

Next morning we decide to go to the beach which is nearby. We soaked up some rays, Miss C's lifevest thingy wasn't really a good deal. If her life depended on it, we'd be in trouble. But nonetheless, the beach was nice. We decide to go back and take a dip in the pool. Everything was nice until someone got an electrical shock, due to a busted bulb in the pool. Then a rainstorm started brewing and it started to drizzle and thunder. Then as we decided to take some showers, the power went out and it started to pour.

Murphy's one busy guy.

No. I am not making this up. We were fucked. We decided that maybe it was a good idea to shower and go out to eat. As we prepared the power came back on, but as we left, the power went back out.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no electricity, a 13 inch TV and a toddler. Pure Hell.

Sexual Education.

Recently there have been some doubts about my bro's sexuality. Let's just say him and his best friend have been really close these past few months. So close that they sleep together in the same bed during the weekends...

Here's how my family tackles such a delicate issue over dinner:

"Well I just think he's a fag...him and his best friend...shit!" MOM

"Ok...well, maybe your right" MOI

"How else would you explain all this pussy-ass behavior?" MOM

"Hell if I know, maybe he's BI" MOI

"BI?" DAD

"Yeah, BI, likes both sexes" MOI

"Oh, please that can't be, maybe his friend is the only one gay" DAD

"Well, what a relief, now I only have to worry about him being seduced by his gay best friend" MOM

Life lessons at our house.

*******

To add to Friday's four here's a recent one at our dinner table right after the gay incident.

"Yeah, and she gave me a ride to work, but poor thing. She wears these big ol' glasses and old fashioned clothes. She looks like a NERF" (Nerd).

My dad talking about his co-worker. It's nice to know he works with a foam-wanna-be-football.

*********

Well folks now I'm really out!! See ya on Monday...hopefully I'll have lots of stories to post about...

Mañana por la mañana, llena tu casa de flores...

::record scratching and stopping instantly::

Well actually not tomorrow in the morning...more like tomorrow in the late afternoon...and no don't fill up your house with flowers...

Cuz I will be filling up my van with mini-luggage. I am going away for the weekend. Coming back on Sunday. It's not going to be entirely relaxing cuz Miss C is going along, but it will be relaxing enough. Breathing oxygen and on my way to this. My boss owns it and is giving me a free weekend there. (Empress I know your a tad upset. But I'll make it up to you. But I wanna make it up to you, sans Miss C. If your memory does not fail you, last time we did a thing like so with Miss C, she threw up all over our beds and cried forever because she wanted to get into the pool late at night. So I will make it up to ya' without the child in tow).

So a weekend without a computer, without my parents and in a totally new place where I can eat out and just relax. Pray for me...please pray for me.

*****

I was reading on Yoly's blog Las Aventuras de Super J, about her son's new thing: His sudden crush with HOME DEPOT.

Which brought a good ol' memory of my dad and a conversation we had once...
So here goes Friday's Four, dedicated to things that just go wrong when my parents try to "speakin' di inglish":

1. We are in my car. Dad, Mom, Old Boyfriend and bro. We are on our way to the movies. We pass by a shopping center. My dad goes:

"Look they just opened up a Hot Peeple there.

We all look...

"Hot Peeple?"

"Yeah, Hot Peeple the place where they sell tools and construction stuff".


OHHHHHH...HOME DEPOT..!!

2. My dad also wanted to see the Paris Hilton Movie: "Di Howl of Wack" (The House of Wax, for those who can't intepret his ghetto english)

3. My mom telling me about her visit to Universal Studios in Florida: "Oh my god, and we went into the Thrilly D's, and it was so exciting, you actually thought they'd jump out of the screen and getcha'" (The 3-D rides at Universal).

4. My dad buying Chinese Food: "Jeah..me wanna..hmm..rise wit umm...no boney rib and chrimp". (rice with boneless ribs and shrimp)

"Sir, would you like a deep fried rat to go with that order??"

"Um..jeah...chure!!"

****

I'm sure there are plenty more, but I can't think of any right now...

Hope ya have a great weekend...

****

Today's thought of the day:

"Don't every deny yourself the opportunity to have sex outside the city"

****

And Release the Presses: My friend "AD" is gonna have the baby...the stars have aligned, lot's of events have ocurred, like the fact that she went to get the issue "resolved", but they told her she wasn't far along and she'd have to reschedule and her MIL dreamed that she was holding a baby boy...etc. etc.

So she has just called, she's decided these were signs and she is not moving to the states...She is having the baby!!!

So I'm gonna be Auntie E.!!

Like yeah...reverse kick ass...

Don't even get me started on last night's game...Cleveland kicked our asses...like 19 to 1...

Joe Torre's take: there are gonna be changes in the line up after the All-Star game...because we are gonna be soo through sooo soon come playoff time...

Umm...like yeah...duh...?

******

Fourth of July:

My parents decided to invite my aunts and uncles over for a little competitive domino tournament....they are addicted to playing...it's nerve wracking..cuz they just won't stop...Jeez...just the sound of them shuffling them on the table makes me wanna run for cover...

Even Miss C said: "Hey...silence!!"

I hear ya' sista' I hear ya'...

My mom thought I was lonely in the backyard. I was actually bored and decided to load some info on a new lil' techno gadget...a palm pilot...(Lord knows I need one to get my ass back in order)...and I was catching up on some news and reading the paper...which I might add, published my letter on the Special Education Kaos were are living on this island.

But was that enough for my mom...NOOOOO...
She thought I needed company, so she invited my neighbor with her lil' girl. I like them, they are nice. I just didn't wanna have to talk to anyone. But our girls had a nice time and we spent the afternoon talkin' trash bout' men.

Ahh...nothin' like an Independence Day, talkin' bout Independence.

******

Later that night I sat to watch yet more Six Feet Under (I am currently finishing the series, I have like 2 more episodes to watch.

That was a bad idea.

I ended up turning on the Waterworks...I was watching the most emotional episodes of the series, and since my waterworks tend to go off with lil' stimuli...I ended up with puffy eyes and a clogged up nose...

Miss C just stared, gave me a kiss and said: Momma, don't cry, be happy!!

Now if she were only that adorable all the time...

******

I was compiling some info for my boss, seems like some friends stayed over at her beach house this weekend, and said friends have an Autistic Boy just diagnosed. They are now begining there long life journey...been there...so I know the anguish.

My boss asked me if I would be nice enough to give them information on the treatments I have tried, books, websites, etc. So I've been busy with that this morning. It is alarming to see how fast this is skyrocketing. It is depressing to know that so little can be done in our homeland.

*******

From my friend Dilbert

I soo wanna be an 'insane chick'...

*****

Well so much for my boring post..here is the thought of the day:

The People at Dell are muthafucka's...

A call

A good friend called me today. I had not heard from her in quite some time. She wasn't crying, but she sounded funny. I quickly asked if she was allright, to which she initially stated she was. But ya' can't fool me...you call me out of the blue with a weird tone in your voice..? Somethin's up...

I was right. She had seen him, again. Him, is a guy that she had an affair with. Well, actually they both had affairs with each other. Both of them were married at the time. Him and Her had an affair for almost 2 years. How can you have an affair for almost 2 years? How does that happen?

Well, like all things that start wrong, this ended wrong. She woke up one day and decided things had to end. She kinda of just yanked him out of her system. They 'loved' each other, or so she told me. They even talked about a future together. When asked my opinion, I would always tell her, she needed to get out of that relationship. Not because it was 'morally' wrong. Cuz fuck it, the parties involved are all adults. I told her to get out, because it was taking a toll on her. She was losing it. She was in love with someone who could never give himself to her, even though he kept on promising they would be together.

After she yanked him out, she started living her life again, eventually she even got a divorce, although I don't think it had anything to do with the affair. She got her pieces back and returned to a quasi-normal life. We don't even mention Him in our conversations anymore, like if he had never existed. But today as she was walking in to grab some lunch, she bumped into Him. Small world, huh? She told me : Out of all the places I could have gone to get lunch I go in that place to bump into Him. She told me they chit-chatted, not much though, cause he was with someone. She told me she had regretted not dressing nicer today and that she had noticed he was wearing his wedding ring. I didn't see the point. She told me that he NEVER wore his ring, ever, because he thought he might damage it at his job, and that today she noticed he had his ring.

She wasn't upset though. She wasn't crying like she would have normally been. She just sounded nostalgic, sad. I told her if she wanted she could come over today since I don't work tomorrow, but she said she would be allright and that she called cause she needed to share this with someone.

It must suck to love someone you know can never be yours. It must suck even more to hear all those lies everyday that someday there will be a future for you and him.

That's why I think you should always step away from the murky waters...

To you friend. I admire your great bravery today, cuz you didn't shed one tear and your voice didn't break...not once...

Can u spell: Kick ass?

Howdy people..?? Ain't I chipper this morning?? You may wonder....Hmmm...yep..she is chipper..why is she so chipper..??

Well there can only be two reasons I am this chipper...

1. World peace has finally arrived.

2. The Yankess kicked some serious ass last night.


Of course, it's the second one. World peace sounds tempting...but it just ain't happening.

Last night was the last Interleague game of this season. Interleague means that a team from the National League plays against a team of the American League. If you keep score like I do, the Mets are the leaders in their league (National). They have a 10 game lead in their division. They are kicking some serious ass. We played them Friday and won; played them Saturday and lost. But yesterday, oh yesterday...fuck fuck fuck...I almost could cry.

We were losing 4 to 0 in the 3rd inning if I recall correctly. Jeter hit a single RBI, then Giambi came up and loaded the bases for Rodriguez. Then, oh then, oh my!!...Alex Rodriguez, the most overated player of the team...who was actually booed at the beginining cuz he's been sucking lately, hit a grand slam...It all went downhill from that point on...Cabrera came and got an RBI double. We made 8 runs in ONE inning!!! Rodriguez alone made 7 RBI's. RBI is a run batted in. For example when Alex Rodriguez hit a grand slam, the bases were loaded, all of those players that made it to home and scored a run, were RBI's for Alex. Got it? Good.

I was gonna ramble on with the rest of the game details but I will spare you before you hang yourself...but point is..we kicked ass. So that's good enough for moi.

(I also happened to see that Boston won...yuck!)

******
I still have no home pc...I've tried calling dell but they seem to think that I enjoy waiting half an hour on the phone...

******
I did not go to the birthday party. I repeat: I did not go to the birthday party. I was spared of all evil. The X took Miss C for the weekend, hence not bringing her back in time for Sunday's festivities. Awww...ain't that sad. But I did stop by very shortly to take the present, and when asked to stay a while I fled for cover and hauled ass.

******
Saturday evening...as "A" and I continued our falling out, I decided to vegetate and watch yet again "Six Feet Under". During my vegetative state, I decided to stop by "A's" house. Yes I am a masochist. Fuck, who isn't. He may be right when he says I'm too emotional. I had argued with him cuz I invited him over and he didn't want to come cuz it was raining and I was upset..blah blah blah...So after giving it thought and having him not pick up the phone after my zillion calls, I went over. We talked, we sorted things out and I think things are okay. We are too completely different human beings personality wise, so sometimes it's hard for us to be on the same wavelength. Not to mention the fact that I am absolutely out of my mind...

******
Sunday afternoon: woke up at 1pm...I have not done that in YEARS!!! So silly unbrushed hair and unbrushed teeth moi, decide to go downstairs to go get some butter for a piece of bread I was having for breakfast/lunch and Voilá!!!

What do I find on my mom's front porch???

My bro and his new girlfriend/hooker.
Sitting there canoodling...
People I have not brushed my teeth, I have coal in my eyes, I have not had breakfast, why do I have to see these crappy scenes of vomit-inducing affection...

They both look up and smile, my bro, the ever so wise one says:

"Hey, this is my sister ____and sis this is what's-her-face" (seriously I don't even remember her name).

My answer:

"This is sooo not the moment to introduce me".

I was not a pretty picture.

What's-her-face just gave me the most apologetic smile, blinding me with her blue eyes...yes she has blue eyes, and long hair, and is stick thin.

Then my bro asked if Miss C was around...
OH NO HE DIDN'T...MY DAUGHTER IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE AROUND HOOKER GALPAL.
Lucky for me...Miss C was still out with her dad.

"Nope, fraid' not" I said, hoping my morning breath would at least burn off one of her perfectly drawn up eyebrows...

******

This weekend I'm gonna be out...out and about, can't give too much details, cuz I don't wanna spoil anything but it sounds nice huh?...Well so much for this boring ass post...hope ur weekend was a tad more juicy then mine....See ya..

******
Today's thought of the day:
"Everything is much better when partnered with chocolate"

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