And as the water ran, I opened my mouth to scream...and nothing came out. Nothing. I screamed in silence. Complete and utter silence. I am consumed. I am consumed by the kid. I am consumed and tired.
All I could replay in my head was her face an in between her pink and red bows, her new bald spot.
She is yanking out her hair in anxiety.
I could see it over and over and hear her say: "I think I am going crazy".
It was all my head could replay.
No child should ever think they are going crazy.
No one for that matter.
I am consumed and tired of this crazy roller coaster of emotions. I am tired of the "tomorrow is another day".
"Tomorrow things will be better".
When it comes to my child, I am a selfish bitch. I don't want things to get better tomorrow.
I want them to get better NOW.
I walk a thin line between anger and pain. I want to be angry at her. I feel sometimes like I do harbor feelings of anger towards her. This afternoon, I couldn't stand to look at her, or speak to her.
But I also feel pain. Deep, unfathomable pain. Pain so hard, so paralyzing I cannot sleep, or think or breathe at times. Pain that cannot begin to be compared with the pain my daughter feels. I see it in her face. I see she cannot control herself. I know she tries.
And I am going to say what many people will debate, but we have all thought at some moment:
Am I doing all I possibly can?
At times, like this week, I feel like a failure.
And I know it is not in my hands. And I know that it is not my fault and that it is what it is...but the helplessness can lead you to think this at times.
Even when I know it is not true.
But the pain is there regardless and the silence of my immediate family sharpens the pain and makes things more unbearable.
And in this month of April, the month of Autism Awareness, I cannot help but feel nauseated and sick each time I see a ribbon or a poster or a "Light it up Blue"...because it is a reminder, we are no where closer to finding a cure, which means my time is running out.