...As I primed our outfits for Miss C's Honor Roll Ceremony tomorrow, a haunting thought came to mind. A thought that has come to mind many times before but today as it rang in my head and pounded in my chest, I just had to catch my breath.
I have done this shit alone.
We have survived alone.
And in these days of me being uncharacteristically happy, I realized that alone maybe not that bad.
I wasn't sad at the 'doing it alone'. I was no longer bitter at 'alone'. I was in fact, stoic. I can zip up my own damn dress, most of the times. I can wash my own car. I can hold up a full time job and be a full time mother to a child who is a handful. I have done it alone. I mean, I have had my small corner support team and Miss C's dad is always hands on, but he doesn't live here. I have the kid 24/7. Enough to make me wanna drive off a cliff, literally, a few times.
I have done this alone. The Dx, the tantrums, the job loss, the no money, the heartbreaks, the men that worked and I pushed away, the men that didn't work and messed me up, the parents who could give a shit, the fucked up jobs, the nights where I wanted to just send it all to hell and disappear and never come back. Alone. Alone and I am still standing. That has got to mean something. Something. Damn it.
and maybe a day will come when I will have someone to zip up my dress, or sit and be a political junkie with me and talk bullshit and watch a game and just chill.
And maybe I won't.
Regardless, when tomorrow the kid goes on stage to get her recognition and we both look fabulous I will know I can pull my own weight.
and to that: Fuck yeah.