So I’ve been missing in action.

I guess I have.

This weekend was the most wasted weekend in my life. What started as a laid back weekend, with a nice quick dinner and movie night, ended up in hell.

Attitudes clashed, feelings were hurt and on Saturday I made my way back home, alone. No True in tow.

On Sunday the battle for whohastheworseattitude continued and in an unprecedented move, unexpected by anyone, I broke up with him.

Like that, over the phone, done, kaput.

Two years down the drain.

I was tired, he was tired. Both unhappy. Neither willing to settle down. Me tired of having to sound all the time like the crazy psycho girlfriend who just pulls things out of her ass, True tired of being the laid back boyfriend taking it all in.

Failure to communicate.

The week began with the uncomfortable task of giving back things that lingered in each other’s houses…books, cd’s, etc.

Uncomfortable text messages, messenger chats…because that’s how messed up we are. We cannot carry on a decent conversation on the phone or in person.

I spent the week at Empress, cuddling my niece, relaxed. I wasn’t upset one bit, no tears, no nothing. I have no idea what that lack of feeling means.

He then sparked up my anger by removing his ‘engaged’ status on the ever so public facebook, ignoring my previous plea of being discreet and not making this a public announcement.

He went from “engaged” to “single” to “it’s complicated”. I went to no status at all.

I dodged questions from fellow facebook friends. My status is no longer for public consumption, even if I ever get back with True again or any one else.

We’ve spoken this week, even had lunch. Civilized. Shared some nice things.

I don’t know where we stand. I don’t know if we stand at all. And I don’t think I even care to know. Things are as he best described: complicated.

And my main focus is trying to get myself back, catch up on some good books and major aunt and niece bonding…everything else will just have to find it’s way back if it can….when ever it can…if it will.

But I’m good.

Maybe the Faith Gene is gone.
Maybe I used it all up.

Fact of the matter is, lately I kind of don't believe in much.

I mean, on an island where people decide that in their wake they should be viewed standing up, where can my Faith go.

Yesterday a lady in the bank politely asked a gentleman how he was doing and he quickly answered:

"My father is dead. He died this week. He was 95".

No, "thank you and you...? Oh by the way my dad died..."

Just flat out tragedy.

It's a wonder some people still believe in Ol' St. Nick.

I've been MIA from church for three weeks, for several reasons, valid or not. Underneath it all, I haven't missed anything.

I was feeling out of place. Doing empty things for no apparent reason.

There are dynamics of God that I don't fully understand yet, and no one, has given me an answer that can somewhat make sense.

I think too much.
That's True's theory.

Right now I'm on a different path.
And as much as I want things to be as they were, I don't think they will.

And this is going to stir up some problems.
Especially with True.
Because frankly, even if there is love between us, which there is, how much can that love make up for the fact that we want totally different things right now and are on totally different pages.

I can't support him on his endeavors, because frankly I care for none.
And I couldn't care less if he cared for mine.

I don't know if I'm going back to church and his Faith, his glorious, undying Faith, is too much for me to bare right now. I just don't get it most of the time.

I look back to a couple of months ago and I don't really know if I was truly happy.

I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. I had lost all sense of identity.

I had stopped being me and became True's girlfriend.

And as nice as that sounds, I still prefer my first and last name.

So, right now it's all a puzzle, it's all a question mark and there are no answers from anywhere.

This morning he asked me if I still loved him.

"What kind of question is that?"

"An honest to God Question".

Well, there's my shot of caffeine this morning.

Love has nothing to do with it.
We are just on two major different pages in our lives right now.

I just want to have my car back and start seeing what I'm gonna do about my job situation.
I just don't want people to keep looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes and go "it's gonna be allright".

At times I feel I can't properly explode. That I am forced to pretend I am completely happy in order not to piss off those who are genuinely happy.

I am pissy, snarky, sarcastic and pretty much don't care about anything right now.
I've shut off the radio and prefer to lay down on the floor with Miss C and color.

I have in my own way become Autistic.
Ignoring all social cues that my behavior is not at all acceptable.

That it is not right to have a full blown tantrum because my refrigerator broke down or I misplaced my keys, or that my car, freshly out of the garage, might need a new battery, which I have replaced in the past year.

It is much more acceptable to just shrug it all off and go "aww fuey" and put on a happy face.

That is the reason so many people are hanging themselves with belts in their closets.

I'm not saying I am gonna do the proper. I am just saying a gal needs to vent, without judgement without fear that everyone is going to be upset that I am upset.

It has nothing to do with love, but rather with the fact that I am bored out of my wits with my routine of no money, no full time job and the heat.

With the car that won't hurry up and get better, with the fact that I couldn't go to Yankees Stadium this year, with all the things on my to do list which are still pending.

I don't think I have been this occupied yet this bored in my life with mundane activities.

And I'm not asking for slack. I am just asking to let me be.

Until I can find a way out.

"Are you listening to me?"

Really I'm not. The doe eyed, zombie look I'm wearing, isn't a facade, and I'm not trying to look cool. I am frankly, sincerly, out of it. It's not that I don't love you anymore, it's that I feel like a wild animal that's been picked off the road and forced to live in some retirement home called: "Villa Placid".

Sometimes, I don't wanna a "we", sometimes I wanna "me". Yesterday you mentioned how sad you were that we weren't going to see each other. A part of me was also dismayed, but the part of me that "jumped for joy and almost cried of happiness" won me over.

What gives?
You are the best man that has come into our lives. You have invested your time and more into us. I am more than fortunate. You do have your flaws, some of which in these days have been magnified, but it isn't your fault. I do it on purpose. I push myself away when something becomes too intense, when I feel my space is being invaded. And frankly it's really not invaded, it's just that after almost 2 years, it's perfectly rational and normal that we become more closer, especially with a long awaited ring on my finger.

Sometimes the thought of two people under one roof, makes me wanna snap.
Yesterday as we had lunch, the guy behind the counter was so happy, so cheerful, so blissful.

"That is the kind of happiness that makes me wanna jump over the counter and kill a few".

You looked at me and remained silent.
You didn't get it.

The other days I was at my grandma's house and my cousin was over. The perfect cousin, the one with the baby and another on the way, with the perfect husband, house and gas sucking SUV. And for the first time I felt a slight ping of envy.

I could probably have it if I wanted it. But did I want it?
I want it, but am I willing to pay the cost of it?
Am I willing to be civil?
Am I willing to give a layoff to the tyrant, dark side of me?

"I don't know yet, but we are gonna make it!"
You too, feel the thickness in the air, you too know the rocky bridge we tread upon, but you are so happy and optimistic, that I stand in delight. Almost in envy, wishing some of that would rub off of me in a way I could still recognize myself in the mirror in the morning.

What have you put away to make something work?

When are you guys finally getting married?
How I loathe this question. I've posted about loathing it before. I'll post about loathing it again in the near future perhaps.

Because I loathe it.

We'll get married, when we get married.

Do I have an expiration date on the back of my hiney??

Truth is, marriage sounds nice. But there are so many buts/butts.

There are days that I long for silence.
Let me stand back and let all the hopeless romantics clobber me.

Don't get me wrong, I love True.
God Bless his little heart and huge stomach (that's a whole 'nother post), but there are some things that sometimes bug me the fudge out and I long for single people days with SSB (Single Social Behavior), like sitting in my undies on my sofa, like not brushing my teeth immediately when I wake up, like not wearing a bra, like not doing my hair, like having Coke for breakfast.

But when you are trying to have a relationship it sometimes goes shot to Hell.

For instance, this Saturday, I shut off my phone (because Lord, some people have nothing to do but call you up on your only day off at 8am) and decided to sleep in.

Woke up around 11:30, decided to clean the house and True called he was on his way to help.

He was on his way until about 2:30pm, when I had already finished the whole house and decided to sit in a comfy chair and enjoy the fresh smell of a clean floor, John Mayer, The Puppini Sisters (gotta check them out if you haven't) and a lil' Ella Fitzgerald. He's restless. He's bored. Starts walking around the freshly mopped floor.

"We ain't doing anything? going anywhere?"
I ignore him.

He gets up and turns on his turntables and starts scratching away...

And it went something like this...

"Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but....::scratch scratch:: 'OH YEAH OH OH OH OH YEA'...me...anyone else but me...::scratch scratch:: 'OH OH OH OH YEAH' ::scratch scratch::

The Puppini Sisters on Crack.

"Do you mind?"
He looks back, totally unaware that he's now made The Puppini Sisters sound like they need to be on "Sucka Free Sundays" on MTV.
"Oh...I'm bored".
"Well I'm listening to some music."

He sits down, with put and all.

"Are you going to take a shower to go out? are we going out?"

"Jeeeeeezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm trying to RELAX..."

Although at this point, my tone of voice was far away from it's relaxing point.

"Can't ya just chill, sit, do nothing. RELAX".

Silence.
I leave the music on and decide to take a shower and enjoy some Norah Jones.

He turns on the TV. Loud.

And it went something like this:

"It's the NBA Finals tomorrow night....Lakers Vs. Celtics....::Norah Jones sings in the background::

"We're gonna be
Sinkin' soon,
We're gonna be
Sinkin' soon,
Everybody hold your breath and,
Down and down we go."

They don't call it a "ship" (relationship) for nothing.

Aww...the Kaos has come to an end.
The hearts, roses, chocolates are all over.

Whoosh...

Back to reality.

Valentine's was hectic...but in the end it was all worth it.

I've been on call at the office for an emergency trip to the west and after originally thinking I would not make it for Miss C's crown ceremony...the trip was moved for today and I was able to go.

I decided to take her to the office afterwards and spend an afternoon: mom and kid.
It was awesome...

True and I had planned to go see a flick in the evening. Nothing too complicated. No dinner plans, because dinner reservations yesterday were nearly impossible. So we decided a flick and a drive around would be good.

So after work we drove to True's house and spent some time with his folks before True showed. His mom was gonna look after Miss C, so we could spend some alone time and have a nice evening.

True arrived and after he settled down we proceeded to exchange gifts. I had gotten him some nice dress slacks, he desperately needed. I saved the gift receipt just in case, since True is such a picky person. To my luck...the slacks fit and he was delighted...I nailed it.

Whoof...::swipes sweat beads off forehead::

I received a very elaborate, big shopping bag, with tons of tissue, that I had to dive into....

Inside, a big Velvet Heart with a bow...at first I believed it to be chocolates, but the heart was a tad too heavy...

Curiosity killed the cat...I opened the heart to find a collection of Liz Clairborne perfumes....3 to be exact....Yummy!!!!

But there was more...Inside the bag was ANOTHER perfume..from her collection...a special edition perfume...

With proceeds of that sale going to the American Heart's Association Go Red for Women

"I thought you might like it!! and it's all for a good cause!!"

Awww..I'm a sucker for good causes...

So after the mushiness...and card exchanges...(Me and Miss C made handmade cards, which had the phrase "I love You" in different languages) we made our way to the movies...

In the car, True handed me a box full of Chocolates, Ferrero Rocher Chocolates...he had to wait till I got in the car so Miss C aka Chocolate Freak wouldn't see them...lol...

We were a lil' late for the movie we orignally wanted to see: "Pan's Laberynth", so we went to see "Notes on a Scandal" instead. It stars Cate Blanchett and Judi Dench.

The movie is awesome. Judi Dench is a sick twisted woman and the scandal is delish...a must see!!

In the movies we happened to sit next to a couple that we know very well...funny coincidence huh?

After the movies...the couple commented on how happy they were to see us perfom, together (True and I) last Thursday. We were very flattered... I actually told them I admired them..both local DJ's and Hip Hop activists...a truly beautiful couple..

After the movies we decided to go to Old San Juan for a quick coffee run and we talked about how we met...old memories, old feelings...

True was haunted by the fact he didn't speak his feelings way back when we first started to go out...and I confessed I was too...He told me how proud of me he was and that I was a great mom...that his mom was equally proud and happy, and that she too, thought I was an excellent mom. Compliments are grand..but when they say I'm a good mom...that takes my breath away...

The compliments continued....blah blah blah...and we blushed, smiled...blah blah blah

You know..mushy stuff..

After the coffee run...we called it a night...I went to my lair, he went to his...

I spent an evening with my True...and I snuggled up to my Miss....

In a home that had an air of love.

If I could only bottle it up and share it....

"M"

as in Marriage...

Seems like everyone is on this never-ending quest to get hitched...
While I was on a quest to never get hitched, again.

My marriage, without going into details, wasn't all bad. We had our great times, we learned, we decided it was over. Period.

I quickly realized Marriage life wasn't for me.

I wasn't going to share my world, house, space and daughter with any other man.

I believe my exact words upon exciting the courthouse were:

"Empress, if I ever tell you I'm getting married again, kill me. And if you ever wanna get married, look at my example!"

It seems like ever since I'm dating True, everyone wants to know when we are going to get married.

I remmember once, not even a month into our relationship someone asked if we were going to get married in the next 6 months...

WTF? Is there some kind of time limit?

Yeah sure, we are ahead of the game. I mean we've known each other for like 6 years now...so it's not like we don't really know each other...

But what is all the rush?

We get constantly bombarded with the questions on marriage and if we plan to have any more kids...

Sure. We've talked about it. Lightly. We've joked about the 8 kids True wants and I'm willing to go adopt.

But neither of us are in any rush.

I mean, it's a shocker I can even pronounce the word with him.

But as far as we see it, we spend like most of our time together, we do lots of couple stuff...we have a kid...Miss C is considered a joint venture. So right now marriage is on the backburner. Sure...it would be nice, but for now we are very happy and content each in our own space.

But...recently the questions of marriage has intensified....More and more people wanna know...and some people think we are already married.

I'd like to clarify that right now...my ring finger is free.

The subject has been brought up and this time my reaction has been a taaaad different.

Last night as we said our goodbye's...he asked me if I would marry him....very casually...like we usually do...

But this time...the meaning in that question..the emphasis was different...it made my heart *pang, like it skipped a lil'...(shoot me for the reference of a skipping heart)

This afternoon as we were chatting up a storm on messenger we talked about that and I blurted out how I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him...


Right then, right there I literally thought I was gonna toss my fries. This excruciating nausea surfaced from the pit of my stomach and lodged itself in my throat...I felt dizzy, dazzed, confused.

Who was this insane madwoman and what had she done with Mary P.???

I need answers pronto.

We both were taken back with what I said and that's when it hit us....that we reaaaally wanna get married.

Most likely not this year....not anytime too soon...but my nausea and dizzyness confirmed me that this is all very very real.

Yuck.
I think I just threw up a lil' in my mouth.



*******

PS. Stalker friend...I luv u..I really do...but why do u call me 35 times...in a row..If I don't pick up...hint hint..