One: Best Company

...As I primed our outfits for Miss C's Honor Roll Ceremony tomorrow, a haunting thought came to mind.  A  thought that has come to mind many times before but today as it rang in my head and  pounded in my chest, I  just had to catch my breath.

I have done this shit alone.


We have survived alone.

And in these days of me being uncharacteristically happy, I realized that alone maybe not that bad.

I wasn't sad at the 'doing it alone'.  I was no longer bitter at 'alone'.  I was in fact, stoic.  I can zip up my own damn dress, most of the times. I can wash my own car.  I can hold up a full time job and be a full time mother to a child who is a handful.  I have done it alone.  I mean, I have had my small corner support team and Miss C's dad is always hands on, but he doesn't live here.  I have the kid 24/7.  Enough to make me wanna drive off a cliff, literally, a few times.

I have done this alone.  The Dx, the tantrums, the job loss, the no money, the heartbreaks, the men that worked and I pushed away, the men that didn't work and messed me up, the parents who could give a shit, the fucked up jobs, the nights where I wanted to just send it all to hell and disappear and never come back.  Alone.  Alone and I am still standing.  That has got to mean something. Something. Damn it.

and maybe a day will come when I will have someone to zip up my dress, or sit and be a political junkie with me and talk bullshit and watch a game and just chill.

And maybe I won't.

Regardless, when tomorrow the kid goes on stage to get her recognition and we both look fabulous I will know I can pull my own weight.

and to that: Fuck yeah.

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