I barely talk about Miss C's problems, ok maybe I do a tad bit more, but I don't talk about it because well, I really have no idea.

Thing is today she had a medical evaluation, the typical back to school crap.

With a new doctor.
With a new government medical insurance doctor.

I hate these doctors.

That's why I had private insurance because I cannot tolerate these people.

Today was nothing different.

This was our 5th visit or trial visit. Everytime we went, they'd send us home because they were too full. I have a card that boasts the office hours from 8am-5pm and at 11am they attend no more patients.

Well then don't false advertise.

Anyway we went at 7am, take that you sicko's!!

They wanted her Social Security Card. I declined. You can't have it. It's against the law, due to identity theft, to ask or use my card or her card for any identification purposes, that is why she has an INSURANCE CARD.

After several odd looks, they obliged.

We made the #2 slot. They sent us in quickly.

After a few quick questions and revisions of her paperwork, the doctor quickly remarked:

"This child was misdiagnosed. She was never AUTISTIC."


WHAT??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! YOU DON'T SAY!!!


"I'm so sorry Doctor, I do appreciate your expertise, but she was diagnosed correctly".


"What are you trying to say?? That she is cured. NO ONE IS CURED FROM AUTISM".
She's a real bright one ain't she.

"I understand that, but she is recovering. You didn't see my child when she was at her all time Autistic high. Headbanging, handflapping, tiptoeing, screaming, no talking, obsessed, ritualed child. I KNOW. I lived through all of that. That my hard work paid off, that my sweat and tears and money made some of it go away, well that's a whole different story."

She sat in silence.

She then questioned as to why my child has not received Physical or Visual evaluations.

"Do you have any idea of how the Department of Education works?"


"Well, if you ask for these evaluations they will give them to you".

"Yeah, real soon, I got the Physical Evaluation 2 years after I originally asked for it and I fought for it too. I am not your average mom".


"Well, some parents don't work hard enough. There are organizations and lawyers who can help. It is a shame so much money (public funding) is not used because parents do not fight for it".

I sat flabbergasted.

What was this imbecil telling me??? That I wasn't doing my part. That I have been sitting on my ass for 4 years, waiting for it all to come to me????

"Well, Doctor, I disagree. Some of us, do work. But the problem isn't us, it's our government and the damn burocracy in which things are run".

She finally shut up and did her work.

She found a throat infection, was quick to prescribe antibiotics (which I will not give to her) and said:

"Well her not being Autistic should be a thrill to you!! You should be happy she doesn't comply with any of the traits".

"Yeah, well she still needs helps and just because she has gotten so much better doesn't mean it didn't exist".

I left.

Disgusted.

How dare she tell me that none of our lives ever happened. That I was a paranoid mother. That I did not cry for several years not knowing what would happen to my daughter. How dare her suggest that doctors didn't know what they were doing? Doctors not paid by the government, private doctors paid out of my pocket!!! And not to be stuck up, but the best doctors I could get!!!

How dare you be a Doctor and yet be so completely ignorant!

You should have your licensed revoked and you should dedicate the rest of your life to rocks.

This morning he asked me if I still loved him.

"What kind of question is that?"

"An honest to God Question".

Well, there's my shot of caffeine this morning.

Love has nothing to do with it.
We are just on two major different pages in our lives right now.

I just want to have my car back and start seeing what I'm gonna do about my job situation.
I just don't want people to keep looking at me with sad puppy dog eyes and go "it's gonna be allright".

At times I feel I can't properly explode. That I am forced to pretend I am completely happy in order not to piss off those who are genuinely happy.

I am pissy, snarky, sarcastic and pretty much don't care about anything right now.
I've shut off the radio and prefer to lay down on the floor with Miss C and color.

I have in my own way become Autistic.
Ignoring all social cues that my behavior is not at all acceptable.

That it is not right to have a full blown tantrum because my refrigerator broke down or I misplaced my keys, or that my car, freshly out of the garage, might need a new battery, which I have replaced in the past year.

It is much more acceptable to just shrug it all off and go "aww fuey" and put on a happy face.

That is the reason so many people are hanging themselves with belts in their closets.

I'm not saying I am gonna do the proper. I am just saying a gal needs to vent, without judgement without fear that everyone is going to be upset that I am upset.

It has nothing to do with love, but rather with the fact that I am bored out of my wits with my routine of no money, no full time job and the heat.

With the car that won't hurry up and get better, with the fact that I couldn't go to Yankees Stadium this year, with all the things on my to do list which are still pending.

I don't think I have been this occupied yet this bored in my life with mundane activities.

And I'm not asking for slack. I am just asking to let me be.

Until I can find a way out.

Yesterday I watched this: Autism The Musical

I don't know if it was a smart move on my behalf...or due to the state I'm in these days, healthy for me.

I saw myself in so many of those families.

I almost died when Lexi's mom yelled: "What kind of mother wishes their child die before them???"

sigh.

I ended my night with so many questions, doubts, fear, anger...above all perplexed...

How could??

How could the God of love allow this to happen??

True's answer: "So that He may manifest his Glory"

I'm sorry, but that sounds very egotistical to me.

Why allow grief and pain into a house...why allow a child to suffer from ANY type of illness??

I maybe understand the part about having their parents 'see the light'...but what if they don't?? Does this child have to suffer those consequences???

The documentary ended and I sniffled my way into bed, with my rage and my frustration aboard and all I could muster was:

Help me understand the why.

I sure hope the guy is diligent with his calls.

There is a particular person, who I will not say who it is, or where they are from or how they surround or are related to me, that ALWAYS waits till I am eating to ask for some of my food.

"Ask" I mean, grab a plate, napkin or some sort of container and put their hands in MY food, load up their plate and leave.

"I just want a little".

I've been condescending, nice, quiet....have said nothing.

Don't wanna sound greedy.

But today I just about had it.

"You went to have lunch and you didn't tell me???!!...Ooooh I'm having some of those fries"

Then proceeded to take my empty fry pouch and self serve.

I stared in disbelief.

"You've got some nerve!!! This is my lunch, I bought a small amount for me and you're gonna take the little I have!!"

The person took my fries anyway and answered "Never underestimate a little bit of food. I had an aunt that cooked a little and managed to feed a lot of people".

WTF??
Is this some sort of fish and bread parable????
I am so getting a pocket-machete this weekend.

Let me just sum this up for ya'...

Tuesday: Parent / Teacher meeting, "Miss C is great academically, but after Auditory Training, her misbehavior has skyrocketed, she'll be going to first grade, but we are all very concerned". Yeah, well join the club.

Friday: We discover she has 7 homework assignments and a project due on Tuesday. Joy. I yell at her for something and she answers with the Spanish equivalent of "fuck you" My jaw drops in shock and I try to keep my sugar together and avoid going haywire myself.

Saturday: She is haywire at True's house, writes on wall with crayons and is just plain irritable. Later on, as we are doing homework I revise her communications notebook and discover a note from her teacher, stating she "touched very hard" (bitch slap, anyone?) an assistant's face.

As I am telling her she can't do this type of stuff, she looks at me very as-a-matter-of-factly and says her new phrase again. I burst into tears, try not to kill her and True takes over with the homework.

Sunday: Before leaving church I tell her that if she misbehaves one bit, she will not be joining the other children for their Sunday class.

....So we are at Sunday...

Miss C is busy doing her thing...hitting, jumping up and down, not following instructions, wanting to eat (she is always hungry) and basically digging my grave. I take her into the bathroom and do what I NEVER do....I pull down her pants and spank her.

I apologize. But a human being can take so much. She is hitting my face, poking me, head butting me; clearly pushing my buttons.

True takes charge and tells me to go enjoy the service; he'll sit with her in the conference room.

I try to sing, try to praise, but I'm furious, I'm hellamad.

Then it happened.

Something that had not happened in years.

I saw the rest of the children dancing and waving their banners and singing...and I couldn't stand it.

The pain was way too much.

I tried to control myself, but I couldn't.
For the first time in several years it hurt to see other children. Other meaning 'normal'.

I felt a tinge of envy. For the first time in months I started thinking things people shouldn't think of.

I made my way out of the main church and into the children's room, passing by True.

I walked in the room, leaned on the wall and began to sob.

True walked in, worried as hell.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"I can't be outside today. It hurts to see the kids".

"Why?"

"Because my kid isn't one of them".

"Oh, ..." and he started what was a speech of 'dontthinklikethatmisscisspecial' and I cut him off.

Sorry, but no one can understand unless they are in your skin

He left me alone.

He is a good man and has an idea of what I'm going through, but it's not the same.

You wait 9 months for a child and get this ball of chaos. A ball of chaos you did not sign up for.

It' s a cold hand to be dealt.

I tried to calm down, Miss C calmed down a bit, but as soon as the kids went in for their class, hell broke loose again.

If you remember the previous lines, the deal was this: be good, go to class with kids, be bad, sit with mom.

Applied Behavioral Analysis.

She cried, she pleaded, she screamed in my ear, she hit...she begged: "I WANNA GO WITH MY KIIIIIIIDSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"

Why not let her go with the kids and free myself of this agony...????

If I did, I would defy the whole purpose of discipline. Miss C would quickly realize that she could have her way with a little bit of pressure and I'd be screwed.

At one point it was a tear fest...Me and Miss C, who'd cry and go crazy first. She grabbed my head, I'd grab hers...it was a sight.

I guess it was very loud because eventually my Pastor came in to see what was happening.

Her take, she did not agree that I should punish Miss C by not letting her be with the kids. She said I should never punish her by keeping her away from the word of God. I started to cry. But this time my tears were of sheer anger. I explained nicely that this was the way I was going to discipline her and that my intentions were not to keep her away from God, that this was the way it was going to be, period.

I left church yesterday feeling humiliated, angry, spiteful, devastated.

We eventually went out to eat to clear our minds and ended up having a much better late afternoon.

But the headache and the heartache were too much to bear and it seems that no matter how much people think they understand, the truth is, no one who isn't walking in those shoes, does.

Wednesday I had to put everything thing on hold because I got a call from Miss C's school that her eye was swelling up.

An infection due to a mosquito bite.

Rushed to the doctor's, left van at the vallet.

Got out of doctor's with a thousand instructions and prescriptions, go to vallet.

Vallet goes to get my car and says, "Ma'am your van is funny".

Funny as in the guy who parked my van yanked off the shift handle. He broke it off, it was hanging, broken.

Police came, we had to file a report, see how the vallet parking's insurance is gonna handle the whole mess.

Ex helped a lot. He swung by the hospital, lent a hand with the van, gave me a ride.

True took me to the pharmacy to get the Rx. And this is where it gets better.

True is in the car with Miss C who is crying. She's tired, sick, her eye is swollen. I understand her.

But, Pablo, the Pharmacist, did not.
Pablo was an Ass.

"Ma'am your card is not valid."
"What do you mean it isn't valid, I was just at the doctor's".
"The laws have changed and you need a new number for this card. The insurance didn't send you one?"
"If I had a new card, would I be giving you this one?".
"Sorry Ma'am".
"Sorry?? Can't you call the insurance? I pay 180 dollars a month for this insurance, can't you call?"
"No, I can't. They are probably not there at this hour".

It was 8pm.

"Ok, how much is the anti-biotic, cash".
"110 dollars. Do you want it?"
"When can I have it?"
"About 11pm".
"11pm????!!! Look Pablo, if I pay for it cash I want it now!".

The people in the line were starting to get upset.
I was getting upset.
I could feel the tears in my eyes. I started to ramble.

I demanded my Rx back and I sat down to call the insurance company.
The guy from the insurance gladly gave me the new number and told me the pharmacy was supposed to call and get it themselves.

I rushed back to Pablo. I threw the scrap of paper with the number at the counter.
He looked at it, like if I had thrown a dead chicken.
"What's that?"
"The number you needed, now get my kid her medicine".
"I can't have it for you until 11:30pm".
"Pablo, my kid is sick. She has a severe infection. If she does not have at least her anti-biotics now, her eye is going to shut and then it will go onto the other eye and it will shut as well. I need her medicine now!!!".

He talked to the pharmacist and got me the antibiotic.
Her eye drops and her lotion weren't ready until yesterday at 3pm. 3pm!! I left the Rx at 8pm the previous day.

I didn't leave until I made sure Walgreens understood that they are monopolizing creeps. That it is very inconsiderate that a child has to wait more than 5 hours for medicine.

Why don't I go to another pharmacy?
Because Miss C's doctor always prescribes some weird medicines that are never available at other places. Believe me, I've tried.

So now I have a kid who looks like Rocky Balboa. A Van that is not functioning and a Father who insists that I take him to Marshall's, even though he knows I have no car.

Happy Holidays.

I seem to be having a slight problem with my attitude....(read previous post)

I seem to be going on an anger spree of some sorts....

and sometimes the rest of the planet doesn't understand.

I came from Planet "fuckit".

Now I'm trying to live in Planet "letitgo".

The transition is a tad difficult at times.


For example, it's hard not wanting to honk my horn relentlessly and mention someone's mother when they do something stupid on the road...

It's equally hard not to bang my fist on my kitchen counter when I get home to find out I have no water, again...for the second time this week.

It's hard trying not to tell my daughter to shut up after she's repeated the same order 15 times: Mommy milk. Mommy milk. Mommy milk., when I'm trying to take a leak in the bathroom.

It's extremely hard trying to be cool and not wanna just abandon everything and go back to my cave, where things maybe were a little gloomier but easier to adjust.

It's hard to be quiet when you get stares from people because they EXPECT YOU to act in a different way.

I am not Mary Poppins. I will never be her. So people need to get over that.

Without going into any details, it's been one of those weeks. One of those weeks were I would love to use lots of four letter words and tell EVERYONE to stick a sock in it.

I am not a people person today.
And people person's sort of bug the hell out of me today.

I'm off.
I'm starting to ramble.

I think I need caffeine.

I broke my keychain last night....

I flung it on the cement floor in my family room...

Because I was angry....

wanna know what the keychain read?

"I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way".

"I got a text message from someone I don't know, let me call"

*dials number*

"Hello?...Oh Hi....yeah...when am I gonna be there? Wednesday..at 1pm...yeah, tell your boyfriend to take you...*chuckle chuckle*...your birthday is on Thursday?...ok..ok...I'll see if I can make it....take care".

It was The Friend.

calling True, while we were practicing.

To announce she was going to our show tomorrow and inviting him to eat Sushi with her on Saturday for her birthday.

In case you don't remember who is The Friend....go here
and here.

Why on earth is this child hellbent on making my life a living hell????

Why is True hellbent on letting this behavior continue?

"I'll see if I can make it???"

What do you mean if you can make it...?????????

"Oh..but I'm not gonna go...I don't eat Sushi".

What do you mean??? So, if you ate Sushi you would go?????


WHAT KIND OF .....GOD FORSAKEN ANSWER IS THAT....???

I've been patient. I've been quiet. I've talked about my feelings regarding this issue. I am not jealous. I am just very uncomfortable with this chick being all up in my grill...up on my boyfriend and acting like I don't even exist in the picture.

I am sick of True justifying her actions by saying: She has a boyfriend, do you want me to tell her that YOU don't want her to call me?? She is inviting me to go eat with a group of friends.

It's not about that.
It's about you realizing, you as in True, that YOU, as a man should see what's going on and say:

You know what Friend, I don't think it's very polite and respectful that you keep inviting me to hang out with you and leave my Fiancé out of the picture. I don't think it's nice that you don't even talk to her when you see her...that you don't even say "Hi".

But YOU just wanna put me in a position where it seems like I'm the mad-jealous bitch who just doesn't want You to talk to the Friend because I'm just jealous.

It ain't about that.

I've just about had it with this crap.

And to top it all off....she is going to his B-day party on Saturday...."Whee hee..of course I'm going!!" was her answer when the invite was sent.

I think I'm gonna vomit.

I mean let's be frank folks. In the places we (True and Me) hang out, one of his ex's is always around, and this girl couldn't be nicer. She says "Hi", is very respectful and I wouldn't say she is my best friend or anything, but she knows her limits....and she was an EX..

This chick didn't even go out with True.

I'm not expecting her to be my best friend...hell, I'm not expecting her to be my friend, period.
I'm expecting a little respect.

But she is like a total GROUPIE.

And then, he gets upset, because I am upset.
He says it's not his fault, so I shouldn't get angry with him.

Yeah. Maybe directly it's not your fault. But you have the power to make it stop.

and you've done nothing.

I'm pissed.
I'm mad as mad....

I've had to cover my mouth and pray so that all the foul language building up in my head doesn't pour out of my mouth.

I've had to tie my hands to prevent sending a nasty email that will make me look derranged and immature.

But tomorrow, tomorrow she'll be there.
Front row.

Cheering my Fiancé on.
WTF am I supposed to do?

How the heck not wanna jump off stage and beat her down with my mike????

How do I stop feeding this monster inside me that wants, demands, that something be done???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

it ain't gonna be an easy week.
i can feel it.

and my crossaint sandwich isn't holding down in my stomach.

*****Oh..I forgot to add..she is also here

feelings of gutting some 'female dog' like a fish and throwing her remains in the NYC harbor...


True at this moment is having Starbucks with the friend.

the gal pal I cannot stand.

The gal pal's sister wanted to meet up with True to coordinate some music for a fashion show...

True tells me this like 10 minutes ago on his way there.

The lil' sis is tagging along..

Ain't it a shocker..

"I didn't know she was also going"

"Oh puleeze..I could have told you the gal pal was coming along...she has a thing for you...."

"I'm not gonna ruin my day over this"

"Yeah...well you've ruined mine"

I hear him saying hi and ordering his mocha-whatever the crap....

"Enjoy your coffee with your friend".

I hung up.

Jesus....My face is so red and so hot...and my eyes are filling up with tears as I type. I am so angry.

So completely angry. enfuriated.

What if the tables were turned around?????!!!!

what if I was the one grabbing coffee with a guy pal he didn't like????


I know I shouldn't harbor any feeling of hatred and dislike...but I can't help wanna meet her face to face and give her a piece of my knowledge.

I have the urge to get in my car drive up to Starbucks and say "HI".
But it would seem to Psycho of me.

So as he sits and sips his coffee with a woman who isn't me and can't keep her hands to herself...I sit in front of my computer trying to hold back the urge to forget how much I have progressed with my Anger, and just go and do something about it.

It's hard not to harbor this feeling of complete and utter frustration and rage and anger and just plain "i-hate-u-so-much-right-now-i-could-
pull-out-your-brain-through-your-nose-with-a-hanger"

::sigh::

I'm gonna go to lunch and sit in the parking lot and sulk.

or buy a new pair of shoes.

or call Empress.

Shit.

We interrupt our scheduled X-mas vacation with an Emergency Broadcast System Message...

I SO DISLIKE PEOPLE WHO TALK A LOT OF SHIZZ...




*Beeeeep*

Ok, People, carry on.


UPDATE:

I'm still very very P'od'....very very P'od indeed...

I need to go set something on fire...
ASAP

Cautionary Note:

If ya' eva wanna unleash the wrath of Mary Poppins....

Hang up in my face...while I'm still talking..

That should get my blood pumping, my adrenaline zooming and should provoke enough 4 letter words to make Dice Clay seem like he retired to a convent...

Seriously...

There is nothing I loathe more than that..

That is sooo 5th grade...

And I'm like 27...

Yeah..

I'm in a crappy mood...
If you get too close I might bite your head off...or chop one of your fingers or just completely snap...

It is 11:38..pm..I am still in time for my Friday's Four..and since I am in such a foul mood....I have to admit,

that sometimes...Mary Poppins leaves the building and I don't have nice things to say..


1. Vietnam..I've just about had it with you. You wanna lock yourself up and threaten to kill yourself..and break glasses and throw chairs...Be my guest...You do have insurance? don't ya? I've already got a kid...don't need another one to look after.

2. People who lie...or say they aren't gonna do things and turn around and do them anyways...really tick me off. Don't push my buttons or feed me stories that later turn out to be crap...You have no idea how much I would like to hurt someone when people do that...

3. Hey..I'm not apologizing for not being "chipper". I am not Ms. Cleaver. June was it? June, August..whatever...I hate to apologize for not being being chipper...you don't see me making you apologize for being overly happy and cheerful...

4. And a bah' humbug to you too. The Holiday season has gone off on a wrong foot. Can ya' tell? People at Walgreens I want you to know...that you and every Godforsaken store on this island need to make a special line for people who are NOT buying Holiday related items...I went to get some advil and by the time I got to the cash register to pay...I needed a f*ing refil...

So sometimes I don't have nice things to say.
Am I bitter?
Will I remain like this for the rest of the Holidays?
Will I strangle someone with a cord of 100 multi-colored blinking lights?

Who knows...

But sometimes I don't feel like being 'chipper'...I don't feel like being 'swell' and saying 'good golly' 'darnit'...

Sometimes I just wanna use a whole lotta 4 and five letter words to get it all out of my system....

so next time, I'll bicker less...

You have any not-so-nice things to say?
Wanna vent?

Ramble..Ramble...bare with me..



For today I need the rest of the human population to cut me some slack.

Sometimes we all need for the human population to cut us some slack.

Sometimes we just wanna crawl in our caves and stay there and not be talked to, looked at, questioned, touched...felt, heard...

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fit in....we don't.

Sometimes no matter how hard we grip onto that last frail string that keep us from splatting onto the floor...we slip...

SPLAT!

Sometimes the way we feel is unexplainable....and the emptiness we feel in the pit of our stomach is revolting.

Sometimes, in the unexplainable, in our solitude, in our mess, in our kaos...we strive to find reasons to explain, to socialize, to organize to re-structure.

Sometimes we cry because we have nothing left.
Or because we have everything left.

Sometimes we ponder at our short ages: what have we accomplished in life, what do we have to account for?

Sometimes we have nothing to account for.
Sometimes we carry the burden of having to account for everything.


"In my place, in my place,were lines that I couldn't change,I was lost, oh yeah. and I was lost, I was lost,Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed,I was lost, oh yeah."

Coldplay's....In my Place...

Lost about sums it up...and sometimes we cross lines we should have not crossed...and sometimes when it's all real good, it gets real bad...real quick.

Sometimes we let people down and people let us down..

So sometimes we need to crawl back in our caves, if only for a little while..if only to recharge..if only to sit in solitude...if only to cry for no 'apparent reason', if only to uncross those lines....

So we can crawl back out and re-join the human race...

I need sleep.

Haven't had sleep..good sleep in a few days. I'm thinking I might have 'gastritis'..forgive my lack of translation for the term which only means:

a-very-huge-stomach-emptiness-feeling-that-makes-u-wanna-carve-your-stomach-out

I think I've even lost weight..

Hurrah.

Not all is bad...

But the stomach is killing me.

Anywhoot..

Since I can't sleep due to things out of my control.
I've become a sleep-deprived zombie who ponders about endless, worthless things all night..

So I thought, I'd share...After all...this is when my mind is at it's best..


1. Why do women insist on doing their makeup while driving? How on earth do these ladies put on mascara? or lipstick..?? Sometimes I just wish they'd have to do an emergency break while applying mascara just to see how many 'ye-ho' Pirates we can create...

2. I noticed last night that my left pinky is shorter than the other. The one that almost fell off to be exact. I didn't know it was smaller...I knew it was different..but I didn't know I was missing a chunk...

Why has no one informed me of this..??

3. Our Hamster Belle escaped from it's cell. Now I constantly have visions of a Huge Hamster eating it's way through my mattress and eventually eating my eyes out..."Go for the seeds Belle,....the seeds!!"

Payback is a bitch...eeerrh..a hamster...

4. Why does my boss insist on wearing her green stinky, apple cider and mud mask to the office all day? Does she really think everyone wants to see her as the Girly Version of Hulk....And when it starts to crack and flake and she keep shaking hands in meetings with her green face...does she really understand how at this rate she will no longer get laid...greeting them looking like some bad cross female mutation of Hulk gone bad...

go get yo' shizz together...

ok.
I've rambled long enough...
I'm gonna go sleep on my desk for a few..
I feel sleepy...at work..far away from my bed..

Go figures!

have a safe weekend..
I know I will!!

Um...I don't have a scanner so I'll just re-type:

"I have understood what the solution to this problem is. I am going to kill myself today. I understand that I am the problem and that this is the best way to finish it all. May God forgive me and may he punish all of you people who helped her. May it forever rest on your consciences."

Signed:
M.A.R.

aka

My Dad

This was the note left on the door this morning of their house.

My mom moved out yesterday. He came home early and caught her. He didn't know about the moving out bit. He suspected it. But shit hit the fan when he actually saw her. My family had to mobilize my mom quick before he went crazy and threw all the furniture out.

I came home to a home sans mom, furniture outside and neighbors busy poking about.

My mom had called me on my way home to tell me about the move.

asked if I can bring over her bedsheets which she couldn't take out in time.

I tried. But Vietnam was on a drinking spree and I did not want him to think I was some sort of accomplice.

Miss C. Smart cookie. Sensed something was wrong immediately and wanted Vader.

I had to take her in to show her Vader wasn't around.

Vietnam was locked in the room.

*knock knock*

No answer.

*bang bang*

No answer.

Miss C starts to cry.

"Dad...if you're still alive open up the door so Miss C can verify that Vader is not here...If your not alive..then I guess these previous instructions are void. We'll probably guess the later by the stench".

He opened up the door.
Stood there in his drunken stupor, smelling of wine and beer and kaos.

Looked at us.

Said nothing.

Held my daughter.

Got my butt upstairs.

In another part of our town, simultaneously, two friends were also having tough times.

I decided to go to Empress' house. We were both going through hell these past few days, and today was the pinacle of both our hells. A visit to her house would do us both good.

We bonded over chicken, fries and hugs.

And it was better.

Once home I was greeted by Vietnam who had a look of rage in his face that scared the crap out of me...he stood right in front of me and asked:

"Where were you???? Were you seeing your mother??!! Are you helping her out??!!"

"That isn't any of your business...but if you must know I was at Empress' house and I want no part of this war."

Silence.

I crawled up to my house.

True called. I asked him to come over. I needed the companionship. He came through. I wouldn't expect any less.

I am not sad. I haven't even shed a tear.
And that's amazing.
I am actually in peace.
Worried...but at peace..
at the same time..
weird, huh?

Vader called this morning...her sadness was very noticeable...she wants me to visit tonight with Miss C. I'm thinkin' bout' it.

On a plus note..if Vader stays away..she'll be more keen to take care of Miss C and I can have more KID FREE outings...

I have to look on the positive side.

And if by chance Vietnam does kill himself, my conscience is clean...very clean.

October 24th.

2006.