sucka!

I'm a sucker for pranks...

Me and bro loved to play them all the time...especially play some for Vietnam...

Until one day Vietnam threatned to kill us if he died...

I actually don't know how that would work, being that he would be dead...but whatever..

So...anyhoot..

I stumbled upon this prank war...I was actually looking for something on the Yankees (BTW..have you seen my boys play?)..and this came up..

See them in order...it's a prank war between two buddies...totally totally creative..and awesome...

Enjoy..

woncha be my neighbor..?

hey..it's allright if you like tex mex..if you like Selena..Marco Antonio Solis...Los Tigres del Norte...sur...oeste..whatever..

What is not allright is that you start playing it at 7am...EVERYDAY...INCLUDING WEEKENDS...and that you play it ALL day until 11 o' clock...

I do not wanna hear the mutherbleepin' technocumbia at that hour!!!

what do i do with drug-selling-goat-head-chopping neighbor??

1. He sells drugs....right there in our faces..we have tons of kids riding up in their bikes to buy..

2. He loves to chop the heads off of young goats and hang em up on his door..

My bro learned this the hard way. He said: "I saw that head and I thought...what an odd ornament for a door...then I saw blood coming out of it's nose...I thought "whatthefuck??" It's REAL!!"..

3. sometimes he is so drunk he passes out in the driveway...my brother once thought he was dead...but he wasn't..

4. He once fixed something in my house, and when I paid him, he grabbed my hand funny...funny as in I wanna fix other stuff too...

On the other hand...

1. He's a great handyman...efficient and cheap
2. He's a good mechanic too..
3. He brings toys for my daughter...don't ask me where he gets them from..
4. Always says Hi..unless he is killing a goat.
5. Let's me use his parking space...

How on earth can I deal with this????

I mean...killing goats is one thing...

BUT SELENA ALL DAMN DAY!!!!!!?????????

hellano...

Weekend Recap.....

It was a long weekend....it was a very productive weekend...movies, food, strange noises, Autism...a little bit of everything...

True decided to join me and Miss C for an early morning therapy on Saturday....he wanted to join us in support....it's good to have someone else waking up that early as well...and not just little ol'me...

After therapy we headed out to the stores to run some errands and make our way back home to prepare myself for the Autism support group I run once a month.

I was running late.
My guest speaker was already there.

along with 40 other parents, pedatritians and teachers...

It seems like lately I am always running against the clock.

To sum that all up...it was a great evening. I had never had so many people at my meetings....and we ended up leaving at almost at 7:30pm...almost two hours after our normal leaving time...

Lots of parents excited with the information provided...an ABA Therapist willing to give us a conference next month....

frankly it was all good.
but I was exhausted.

we ended up going home, preparing some steak sandwhiches and trying to see some of the movies we had rented. Halfway through "Half Nelson" , around 10pm, we called it a night...True was falling asleep on the couch and I was too...

I made my way to my bed where Miss C was also fast asleep.

Sunday we made our regular church rounds...then I decided to stop by a store to see if I could get Miss C another pair of crocs, since her's had broken. But I mean the cheap immitation crocs...lord knows I would not pay 30 bucks for a pair of plastic shoes...We found some nice ones for 6 bucks..and I got her like 3 pairs....

so what.
I like to buy in bulk.

I can't stand a good deal.

Later I gave my MasterCard a run for it's sweet life and decided I needed a trip to Ponderosa and a Sundae Bar....

so...a sirloin steak, shrimp, fries, two sprites, and two sundae's later, I officially entered the realm of: "so much for Pilates-you-so-suck-on-self-control"...

I'll retake them today...I swear...

So..long story short we finished up "A Guide for Recognizing Your Saints", with Shia Labouf and Robert Downey Jr, yummy....::closes mouth to prevent drool from falling on keyboard::

And then we finished off "The last King of Scotland"....if you guys are looking for some good movie flicks for a rainy night in...these are a must have...

...I would have called it a night after that...but right before the movie ended...I heard a noise...

A noise like something walking on my roof....or scattering on my roof...

I immediately panicked....and let me just say...as a single mom..I don't usually panic at stuff like that...I kill roaches...bugs...I am supermom.

But that noise...geez I almost was gonna cry...

True was in between getting angry at me for being scared...or laughing his head off in mockery...

I didn't think it was that funny...

"It's nothing...it's nothing...it's just an animal or something"


"What do you mean it's nothing....it sounds horrible...now I won't be able to sleep"


He looks with dear eyes and tries his best to comfort me...

"There, there...please...it's nothing..it was just probably trying to get into the house...heck it's probably in here already, don't worry".

some comfort.
I twitched in my bed all night and clung on to Miss C for dear life..if it was gonna eat us...might as well have a snack before the main course....

change is ....

"Change is good".

I heard a guy say today.

sometimes I agree, and other moments I think it's a crock.

I think everything is much like a crock these days.

everything except the fact that we are 2.5 games behind Boston in the AL East Division.

everything else falls in crock territory.

*******

I started Pilates again this week. My whole body is completely sore. My arms hurt, my butt, my legs...but no pain no gain, right???? My goal is to lose 10 pounds before X-mas...not a difficult goal....from 126 to 116 is not bad at all.

A whole new me is coming for 2008. Suckas Beware..

I'm doing this for myself. I wanna feel better, I wanna fit into itsy bitsy bikini's and not feel so self conscious about my looks. I've never been one to really give a crap...but lately I've been rocking the sweat pants and the baseball caps too hard....I think it's time for a makeover...

********

In other news...and no, I don't care who happens to read this....things are kind of shaky on the relationship front.

something is just sooo off.

I think it has to do with EGOS.

Big HIS AND HERS MATCHING EGOS.

It's hard keeping up with the demands of a relationship. It's hard trying to comply and be nice and keep my trap shut and not jump into all sorts of conclusions.

things just suck big time.

and sometimes you just wanna tell it all to just 'eff off..ya' know? like : 'you don't need this crap...'

in this case change would be good.

If of course, you don't happen to love the other person. Which in this case, is not the case.

I love True.

It's just so effin' hard trying to get along with him at times....

is it just me? or are there times where you wanna bash your significant other's head in??? Tell me it isn't just me...

we are, as the pastors would say...a marriage in training...and these past few weeks this training has sucked.

Because of our busy fall schedule's..we've been not seeing each other as regularly...meaning not every single day, all day.

it's given me time to think...excersise..try to pray...and try hard to test my will and not eat the snicker's bar that is in my fridge.

::sigh::

my arms are sore and my head hurts...and our relationship takes a toll on me sometimes.

I can't even begin to think about the upcoming holidays, how to split up between families AND wedding plans...

not that there are any wedding plans as of right now.

no ring. no plans.

that much I'm sure.

right now I prefer the slow route to this whole getting married thing.

I know I've been rambling off and on about this whole ordeal and I'm beginning to sound on the tad bi-polar side, one day I'm amped, on day I'm having iceberg feet.

it's the unmarypoppins in me that tells me to take it easy to avoid making further mistakes.

I'm trusting the U.M.P (Un Mary Poppins) for the time being.

***********
Many have wondered about the wheareabouts of the Empress...well she is still alive.

She is working far far away..so our infamous Lunch Sessions are over for now. I have not seen her in months, though she lives a mere 10 minutes away from my own pad. Our conflict of schedule's has made it difficult for me to stop by. I am a sucky friend. I know.

She has a boyfriend. Yes, a boyfriend. I have not met him, but she says he is a really nice guy. For his sake, I hope he is....he doesn't wanna get on my bad side, especially with my state of mind these days.

She invited me over Monday because this lady who sells shoes stops by her house to sell her some....Miss C has too much homework, which happened to be a good thing...Lord knows I can't afford anymore shoes right now.

But, we talk daily on MSN....and yesterday we had a picture exchange fest...to see who could exchange more absurd, ridiculous pictures...none of ourselves..just random pictures to make fun of...

I was feeling a tad snarky....sue me..

She has been kind to lend an ear during these past few hard days...and her piece of advice is always priceless..."You always have me, gossip magazines and bad pictures".

::clinks glass::

your damn right.

Weekend Recap...

Friday was off to a good start...

We went to a birthday party True was playing at...
A birthday party a friend of ours had planned for her boyfriend...a really nice big event with long lost family members, his favorite bands and all...

Little did she know that the surprise was gonna be on her....He had arranged for her family to be there, had her brother flown out from the states, because he was going to propose....he did...and she said yes....

It was beautiful...

It would have been even more beautiful if I would had remembered to put in some underwear in my bag and had not ended up putting on some of Miss C's panties, when I changed at True's house before we left....

don't ask how the junk in my trunk fit into her teeny tiny underwear....just don't.


*****************

After that..what really could top off my weekend??? Nothing really...we went out to eat on Saturday....and Sunday we ended up at the movies...

At a really bad movie...
I've been to two bad movies in a row...
Next time I comply to be taken to a commercial movie theater....please run my feet over....shoot me....tie me up...

but you know that should teach me a lesson...movies which contain the words "Balls" or "shoot" in the titles should be a cue to people like me....


*******************

I FINALLY saw a game last night..I found ESPN....last series against Boston before the playoffs....
We won on Friday..screwed it up on Saturday...and yesterday we broke a tie..went ahead..and almost...ALMOST lost...almost threw away our defeat...

I cannot emphasize enough how I wanted to pound Mariano Rivera...meanwhile Miss C was whispering...

"Mommy you are screaming....turn off the light...go to sleep"

sorry sweety...the Yankees are gonna blow away their wild card standing tonight...cut mommy some slack....

when the season is over we can play dress up....I promise....

tgimbf

ThankGodit'smuthableepingfriday...


I just got a pedicure while I sat in my office chair....


this weekend is getting off to a good start....

Office space

My boss has been in her bathing suit all day...and I have on some low rise pants that keep showing off my slot machine....

Ahhhh...there's nothing like a good work enviorment....

So, we're in bed, with the nightlight on...

a noise interrupts the silence of our 'close-to-slumber' time...

Miss C, startled looks at me...

"What was that?"

"Oh..that was just the dog next door dragging something".

The noise starts again.
She covers her ears, then pulls the covers over her head.

"I'm scared".

"...it's just the dog".

"No...it's a serpent (she actually says serpent and not snake)....see, it went like this...." She then proceeds to stick out her tongue and hiss like a serpent.

"Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"
I can't help but laugh.

"Honey...it is not a serpent...I'm here with you..and nothing will happen to you".

She takes the covers down...cuddles up in her pillow and replies, with almost an air of relief:

"Ok...so it's probably gonna eat YOU".



***********



"Mom....I just made a fart with my nose".

Just ignore the fact that she used the word "made" in the sentence...and let's focus shall we on the 'fart with my nose' part.

"You made a fart with your nose?"

I know I shouldn't have done the following people...but curiosity killed the cat...and I just had to ask the obvious...

"How do you, dear, make farts with your nose??"

She then snorts outward from her nose...smiles in sheer delight and with a sense of accomplishment, only achieved by her mom when she buys a killer pair of shoes on sales, squeals:

"There...you saw it??!!!..Miss C made a fart with her nose!!"

"that's nice sweety...but can you use the word 'GAS' instead??"

"Ok...Miss C made a GAS with her nose".

Much better.

....I like to lie....

the obsessive compulsive liar strikes again...

"Mom..look!! I took all of my vitamins!!"...

mind you, she was standing next to the trash can...the trash that had just been emptied out...

Her face of delight turns into complete fright as I approach the wastebasket...and peer in...

Her vitamins all sunnyside up in the can....

::sigh::

What is it with the whole lying thing?????


Any suggestions...???

I had to scratch out the vest that gives high voltage electro-shots due to a possible call from Child Services....

but any other ones are welcome...

*****

Last night, after the whole lying thingamabob...we headed to bed....I thought it would be cute if I put on some bunny ears and hopped to the bed and tuck her in...

Miss C though otherwise...

In a very frank...'getoveryourselfyouoldridiculouswoman' tone..."You are NOT bunny...you are a MOM...please turn off the light".

She knows how to suck the fun out of my evening.

..............going back to her lying issues(excuse my lack of coherance today)....me and Vader were talking last night about this....and she mentioned something that got me thinking...

"She always lies when it comes to food and vitamins"

(We've caught her saying she has finished her food, only to find it in the trash).

"You know Vader, you are right..."


::pause::
::pause::

"Well, then I think you should take her to the doctor...I think she has...whatdoyoucallit???....hmmm...BULIMIA!!...yes...I think it might be BULIMIA.."

Brilliant...
I don't know who happens to be more retarded...Vader for saying it's Bulimia or me hearing out her theories on why she came to that conclusion....

Tyra if you are reading...sign me up for your show....

Bulimic-Autistic-compulsive-five-year-old-liars...and the mothers that nuture them...
today at 4...


::rolls eyes::

9/11

...."So many heroes lost at Ground Zero, but ya' still rebounded..."

Quote from:
Evidence...
"New York"

That is all I'm gonna say about 9/11....

Yankees..make us proud!!

Friday...Friday...

why is my week over sooo sooon!!! It is not fair...

Yes. I have a brain clot that is preventing me from thinking like a normal human being.

Two days of being at home is so not what I am looking foward to.

Two days of having to ::gasp:: socialize...is not my cup of Joe.

Alas, this too shall pass.

I got my first official "iwannameetupwithyoumissc'smom" meeting this morning.

I found a note in Miss C's notebook last night that read:

"Dear Mom....(yes it said "mom"), I would like to speak to you tomorrow morning"

So...

the issue?


the waters are no longer safe...again.

Miss C has officially, literally, made her mark.

She bit two of the assistants in school yesterday.

The story goes that Miss C wanted a toy that belonged to another child and when scolded she took revenge.

Something about the whole ordeal is a tad off.

First of all, she doesn't just bite because of those things....my guess, the kid probably had been getting on her nerves all day. For her to do something like that, there has to be some sort of buildup coming on.

Second...the assistants are sure whimpy. I understand maybe one bite...but TWO??

I accepted the teacher's concerns, but I also told her to be firm with Miss C...she knows right from wrong...she knows authority. They can't keep baby-ing her just because she is the smallest...or because she is extremely ::cough:: adorable...

The teacher also mentioned concern over Miss C's latest fixation: Paper Clips and Staples...She'll see them, she'll open them up and pretend they are "Unicorns".

No, I am not letting her smoke from my stash.

Of course, I explained that this is part of the territory that comes along with Autism: Fixation on certain objects. Just like the toothpicks, the spoons, the toothbrushes, clothespins, horses, little pet shops and now Spongebob, the staple and paperclip thing is phase....

I guess I'll have to chat it up with her psychologist to see how we can work on this issue..yet again.

....

In other less serious Miss C related news...she has become a pathological liar.

She lies....all the time. She know she is lying...she thinks I'm buying it. Who the hell taught my daughter to lie????

She sits in the last row of our car, so I cannot see that she is NOT finishing up her vitamins...

"Did you finish?"

"Yes mom".

How do I know she is lying??

"Did you eat them all?? Where is the bag?"

"I ate it all...no bag...I ate bag too".

"Really?????"


She is constantly lying about stuff...I asked her about the bite incident before I left this morning and her statement: "I don't bite...Miss C is a good girl".

I bet.

Other wonderful perks of Autism..is the fact that some children can't be spoken to metaphorically...because they will take it literally...

"Miss C...if you keep on lying..your nose is gonna grow".

She quickly touches her nose and starts bawling..."Noooo...no nose grow!!"

"Miss C..you are the most beautiful lil' girl in the universe!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...NO UNIVERSE!! Of Puerto Rico...."



Fine suit yourself...God I hope you are taking notes...

.....
besides that...I still have no flowing water...I am one day...2 hairs and several pots short of becoming a Guess star in the GEICO Cavemen sitcom...

Can you believe that...???!! They got a sitcom????

::rolls eyes::

I have better things to pitch to NBC...

Like a single-mom with a child with autism and a compulsive liar..who also happens to be cute as a button (the kid not the mom...)...dealing with no water and fabulous shoes...

It can be a Sex and the City...meets Mary Poppins...

It could be good...

What kind of sitcom would your life be???

Pitch it to me...

speaking of pitch...billybob..have you seen my boys playing??? Wildcard baby!! Wildcard!!!!!

a random day in the hood

This morning as I made my way to my local drivethrough to get my usual breakfast run I realized they were chopping some trees (don't get me started on this matter, the chopping of trees being committed lately) and I had to do the unthinkable..

::gasp::

get out of my car and WALK inside to get "breakfast"..."breakfast" meaning a chocolate chip cookie and a small softdrink....I don't drink coffee and I need some kind of caffeine boost...so sue me

So I walk in...and the lady behind the register goes:

"You're the girl who always goes through the drive through...Chocolate chip cookie and small drink...right?..." she gives me a big smile..

I nervously chuckle...

"Yep..."


she arches an eyebrow..."what are you doing inside?"

I point out to the tree obstruction...

"Oh....it's funny how you always order the same thing...everyday".

::silence::

I paid for my order and quickly squirmed away...

I know she was being nice...but it felt kind of uncomfortable that I am so predictable...
I mean..if anybody wanted to axe me off, you'd know where to find me at a quarter to nine.

>>>>>>>

Random thoughts of the day:

I have no water...since yesterday morning. I've been bathing with my emergency supply...heating water in pots and pans to be able to get a decent shower in the morning. Stoneages people...stoneages...


Ms. Teacher....I have no idea what got into your pretty little head to assume I am gonna be able to make my 5 year old memorize a 6 line poem in three hours before she has to go to bed...I am a mom not Mr. Wizard...I have a Kindergardener, not a Yale Pre-Law....

Why do bathrooms have echos? Like I really need to hear other people's gases or mines, for that matter, amplified...???

back to the cave

well..it's all over...

the vacations are over and it's back to work..

a part of me is genuinely happy to be back at the office...gives me less time to think of more trivial matters at hand these days...

It's nice to be back to the A/C, the sound of the ocean and free broadband internet access...

things over here are stable.

I guess.

Miss C spent the night over her dad's house this sunday...so I actually had a date with True...it was our one year anniversary...he was playing at the Hard Rock Cafe...so I tagged along..

It was more of like a "i'llstandupagainstthewallwhileiwatchuplay" type of date.

but it was a date.

...other than that...

things are stable...

not quite where I would like them to be, but stable....

I'm tired.
Let's say relationships are hard. Sometimes people get tired of being nice. Sometimes I wanna see the fruits of my labor...NOW.

I know, that's selfish of me...and I'm not saying True is a bad man. He is not. I'd be lying if I said that he was a bad man. He is a spectacular man. But like all of man (humankind, I mean), we all have flaws. Maybe I'm just to impatient, maybe I just ask for too much. Maybe I am living in a time where we can't all meet everyone's needs. ::sigh::

ramble ramble ramble....
this too shall pass....

I'm off...have tons of letters to open..bills to pay..and things to type...

No pictures

It read: "Instant Bronze Tanner" ....."Get Dark Quick" "Natural Bronze"....

So I put it on and decided to enjoy a day at the beach....

Only I ended up looking like a shrimp....a very shiny red shrimp...or lobster...your choice....

My forehead looks like 4 feet wider than it is...

The oompa loompa look does not fit well...

there won't be any pictures of that...

Or pictures of Miss C toe nails...painted very delicately with PURPLE NON-WASHABLE Magic Marker...

She quicky ran to me to show me her beautiful nails...

"Look mommy!!! Just like you !!!"

I guess my initial reaction wasn't very good....because she went running off in tears...

I found her in the bathroom, with her head in her hands, tears streaming down her face.

I had no choice but to console her, get as much magic marker off with alcohol and forget the whole issue...

Do you have any mommy mishaps you've just shrugged away????




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