Things that hurt

Today was Miss C's school pictures. I decided to cave in and let her have them since she hasn't had some nice pictures in a quite some time.

Today she got out of school at 11am and since the Special Education Bus Drivers are on strike, I had to stay at school until her pictures were over in order to take her to the office with me.

So we are sitting there and this lady, about in her late 50's shows up. The photographer.

"I don't think I'll take the pictures today. There aren't many students. I am not going to set up my stuff for 5 kids".

The teachers went in an uproar and tried to explain that the children were groomed and dressed for the occasion, aside from the fact that there were some parents there to make sure the pictures were taken properly.

I went up to reason with the lady but she kept firm.

So I told her, "Well that is not anyone's problem there aren't many children. You said the pictures were today and if they can't be today I want my deposit back and take her elsewhere for pictures."

20 minutes later she came in to tell us the pictures were on.

Miss C's class was first. They are the smallest and many like Miss C, most of her classmates have Autism.

So I followed them to the room and stood in a corner to watch with horror.

This lady was mishandling them, pulling them, grabbing their heads, mouths....

"Don't slouch, sit straight, don't make faces...I said smile, smile, don't pout...Get off, we'll try again later, I can't deal with these kids".

I looked at the teacher's aid and we exchanged glances of horror.

The Aid went to tell the lady's assistant that these were special kids. But really folks, special or not, you can't actually expect 5 years old's to pose like if this was the cover for GQ.

Then all of a sudden the hag stands next to me and I see the Assistant whisper to her that these were special kids.

The had looks at me and says: "Special Education? Oh, I can tell. Poor kids. You can't help feel sorry for them. What a shame?".

My neck almost snapped.

"Excuse me??? Poor kids??? What a Shame?? I'm sorry, but I don't feel sorry for my kid or any of these kids. It is not a shame. I can anything, but feel sorry for these children!!".

Her eyes almost popped out of her head.

She continued taking pictures but with a hell of a lot more tact.

I looked on in disgust.

It's people like her that make me fear of what my daughter is gonna have to put up with. I hurt when I have to go through things like this and I pray for a day where people will snap out of their ignorance....

Pray with me.

Being Miles Apart

Sometimes you can spend your entire life with someone or by someone, or you can stand in the same room with someone and feel like you are miles apart.

You look at this person and think: "Who are you?" "Why are you here?" "How did we ever get acquainted?" "Where is my friend and what have you done to her/him?"

I don't know if it's the mythical one year itch, or the busy schedules or the fact that I detest overpriced coffee, but the fact of the matter is, I've been standing in a still room with True for quite a while. Him on one end and me in the other corner.

It's not that I don't love him anymore.
It's not a question of love.

If people only new that Love makes up only half of the ingredients that go forth into the relationship pot.

I sometimes feel as though our relationship is sort of a facade.
People expect us to be together. Happy. Witty. Perfect. Made for each other.

Sometimes when we are on stage and he presents me and gushes about how I am his beautiful girlfriend/fiancé sans the ring, I wanna blurt out on the mic, "No No got it all wrong ooooh's and ahh's, sometimes I wanna ring his neck!!"

But alas, I play along.

We've talked. Argued. Gotten counseling from our pastors.

Things get easier. Then they get off again.

We're not fighting or bickering. We are just at a standstill.

We sit and vegetate all weekend. We go to church and pretend we are the holiest couple on earth.

We don't even pray together.
We don't even read the Bible together.

There was a time when I was addicted to reading the Word and articles on Christianity to True.
One night he told me to give it a rest for a while. He didn't mean it in a bad way, but for someone like me who was craving for the Word, it sort of just shut me down.

I never read to him again.

The times we do pray together, it seems forced, almost out of obligation.

I go to church with him and when I see him all cheery and praising I wonder: "Who the hell is this man?"

He probably feels the same way I guess.

He started a new job a few weeks ago and we had gone over the pro's and con's on the job, distance, gasoline use, difficulties, etc. etc. He took the job. He knew the risks involved. For weeks I kindly listened to his troubles, his fears, the horrible way he felt when mean people (really mean people) made him feel like mush. I prayed for him, to him, talked to him, was his cheerleader. But he just kept on going.

Jesus, I can only take so much.

One day he declared: "this week will be a disaster".

The week had not even commenced. I told him not to say that, because one thing I have learned is that the tongue is a mighty weapon and you get what you say. But he kept on going.

"Are you not a son of God? Are you not a deacon?"

Me and my big mouth. He went haywire. I was judging him, I was being inconsiderate, I was not understanding him. All I really wanted him to understand that, he should know better. He is a son of God, a man who has been a while in his path, he should know that no matter how bad things look, God will seek a way to make it all better.

I was/am disappointed. I look up to him. Not only as a significant other, but as a spiritual mentor. I did not mean to make him feel bad o insufficient for me. I love him just the way he is, but sometimes people need some tough love.

It's almost as the roles were reversed.

So now the room has gotten bigger and even though I can clearly tell by his swagger that the person on the other end is him, I cannot see his face.

I cannot see his face.
It's all a blur.

Wish List

Sometimes I wish Men would be as simple as installing a home theater.

"A home theater?!!!", you might say.

Yes. A home theater.

At least those come with a Manual.

And if all else fails, you can always take it back.

Bless thy enemies

try very hard to bless thy enemies...especially in scenarios like this....

Here I am minding my business, for once I decide to get out of my car and order lunch.

I have gasoline issues.

Gasoline issues such as I don't have much gasoline.

So I'm walking towards the door and a beat up ol' car with two guys and girl pulls up and parks right in front of my lunch joint.

One of they guys bolts out of the car and just as I am about to grab the handle of the door and go in, he leaps in front of me and opens the door.

I think, "My what a noble gesture to open my door".

Thing is...he opens the door and waltzes right in and the door almost slams my face in.

He goes right up into the line to order.

Oh no he didn't.

He orders, while looking back, because his buddies weren't out of the car yet.

The lady takes his order, is about to take mine, when buddies walk in, and buddy number one, who already had made his order calls out:

"Hey you guys want me to order for ya!?" and motions then to join him in the line.

I shot them my best "youfeelluckypunk?" look and they desisted, staying in place at the end of the line.

I had started to wish their combo #3 would cause the runs, when God shot me down with one of his best "youfeellukcypunk" glares...

I quickly retracted and blessed them.

don't ask any questions.
It's the Holiday season I tell ya'.

the fact that I'm tired, sick and sleepy.


  • T-Day went by very smoothly. True's parents went over Vader's and we all had a civilized and nice afternoon. During some moment of the event I fell into fear due to my bro who was busy churning out jokes. Every time I heard the phrase, "...well, there once was a drunk..." I had to keep looking at him and say "PG! PG!".

I'm a Christian but I can tolerate my brother's language.

I'm wasn't so sure if True's Jehova witness mom could do the same.

  • The rest of the weekend was long and boring.

  • I tried to avoid the stores at all cost, but ended up taking Vader to the mall early on Saturday so she could do her X-mas Shopping. Miss C came along. Halfway through Walmart as she beated me with a sharp object I thought that just maybe I could suffer from the syndrome called: massochismdelirium. Alas, we all survived, but I don't think Vader will be wanting us to join her in anymore shopping.

  • I caught up on my winter cleaning and got the X-Mas Tree up and running.

  • I also managed to fix up the kid's room which is now officially Spongebob Squarepants territory.

  • I tried to convince her with the Disney's princesses to no avail.

But who am I kidding, I had Spiderman sheets as a kid.

  • Mickey had a plus one, or plus two...I saw another swoosh by me in the living room yesterday night. I think a cat might be in order right about now.

  • True and I have been busy and although we've been spending lots of time together I feel as thought it's been time not used well enough.

I mean, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with laying on the couch for a while, but for the whole 4 day weekend, I think it's a bit excessive.

  • I must confess that on Sunday afternoon I was gnawing the arm off the couch.

  • I been feeling under the weather these past fews days and I think my body is demanding some much needed rest, but with the Kid, the boyfriend, the holidays and mickey's plus one, who can manage to shut an eye?
what have you been up to?

Question of the day

I would like to know who comes into my office at night and puts my paper clips in a chain...?

PS Thanks...

I almost forgot to give thanks for something else...

We caught Mickey.

This morning as I was doing my makeup and Miss C was watching me, I mumbled to myself:

"I gotta get more traps, this mouse is chewing up the rubber on my screen door's bottom".

I don't think I had finished the sentence when:


Miss C jumped up, scrambled to the bed, covered her ears..."What is that?"

I went to the kitchen...Mickey landed in the glue trap I had placed near the stove counter, he got stuck and was face down on the floor stuck to the trap...

I called mice expert, Vietnam.

"Place it in a bag, close it tightly, it will suffocate on it's own. Unless you wana hit it with something to kill it sooner".

I'll pass.

I'm not afraid of mice, roaches, crap like that.

But the idea of picking up a glue thingy with a live creature still attatched was disgusting.

I squirmed as I placed it in the bag.
I asked Miss C if she wanted to see it.
She passed.

I placed the bag where Vietnam ordered me to and I was off.

Mickey was caught and now the Kid and I could sleep in peace.

T minus 2 days for T day

try saying that, ten times fast...

The Holidays are back.

I've done all my X mas shopping. Everything is done.

I put up my tree yesterday.

I just have to get around stringing up the lights and putting on the decor.

Tomorrow we have our church's Thanksgiving Day celebration.

I'm supposed to talk about what I'm thankful for.

Geez, talk about pressure.

Well, I'm thankful for good friends, not tons of em', but good ones,

For shoes, for a website where I can buy kickarse shoes and not drain my wallet.

For a good guy, who drives me up a wall sometimes, but who else will put up with my

For a job, unstable one at times, not my dream job, but it pays the bills,

For a home, where everything inside it, was paid outta my pocket. cool huh?

For the family. Vader and Vietnam are still difficult folks to deal with, but
we are managing.

For family Wednesday's at Vader's, where Bro, sister in law, True and I play boardgames and stuff our faces,

For the Kid, aka Miss C, who has come such a long long way, who is my joy, my pride, the smallest person in the world who can get me laughing, who has humbled me and made me a better person and sometimes also manages to make me wanna smack her right in the mouth, like this morning when she told me in front of the cash register lady in the supermarket:

"Momma, shut up, you talk to much".

For the tears and the hard moments, I suck at them, but I've survived them, so that must mean something, right?

For God's blessings. In a time where there are so many tragedies, poverty and lack of love, He has blessed my home with love, health and wealth. He had not forgotten my address, like I so bluntly used to say, he was waiting on the front steps for me to unlock the door.

I'm going to Vader's on Thursday...another year where I cannot develop my culinary skills, because God forbid I try and take the spotlight away from her and make the turkey.

We are all gonna be there, True, his parents, bro, the girlfriend, the kid, Vader and I....

can't think of a better reason to say thanks!

10 years later

A night wasted.

I could've made some curtains for Miss C.

But noooooo...

I spent my evening at a 10 year high school reunion.

I remmembered why I wanted to graduate so fast in the first place.

Fish out of water.

Once again.

"Hey look!!! It's the 'rapper'...!"

The rapper????

As in rap artist???

Good Lord the things I get myself into.

"You haven't changed a bit".

Is that good or bad???

Actually it wasn't all bad until the subject of kids came up.

"Well I have a girl..."
I mustered...

"You do?"

"Well I don't have any kids...thank God.." ::rolls eyes::
"I don't either"
"I don't either, I love my free life...nephews are enough for me".

Lots of single ladies in their late twenties...all drinking it up, acting like they graduated yesterday...

The women with children were set apart, like if we were a plague.

"Come along ladies, where are the mom's...?? a picture of the mom's..."

I declined.

Having kids isn't a plague.
Hell, I'd be worried if I was almost 30 single and sans family.

But, whatever floats your boat, ya know.

At 11pm me and True, poor lonely True who sat and watched it all unfold, made a silent exit...went to Starbucks and headed home.

I dropped him off and went to pick up a sleepy Miss C.

I plopped her into bed and scoffed...

I gazed at the sleepy kid who was hoggin' my sheets and the tons of toys scattered in my room...

"these people don't know what their missing..."

They really don't.


I don't know if it's me...but I can't figure out how a simple hamburger has managed to ruin my entire afternoon, provoking my inner most feelings of 'go-play-with-a-gun-for-a-little-while' kid.

But I do know this, I need someone who is bold.

Bold just like me.

Who is able and capable of taking matters into their hands when the time comes.

Who can openly and freely speak their mind and for once not be scared to do so.

Who can make decisions without feeling the need to be apologetic.

Who can go take my hamburger back and ask for it with no-mayo, without being embarrassed.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

But I can't handle the babyish demeanor of this whole situation.

The funny thing is that a while back I was the target of an argument that went along the lines of : "you-never-let-me-be-the-man".

But when I finally do, people can't step up.

I told the lady I wanted a new burger and came back alive. No one spit in my food (I was watching) and no one stared at me in ugly ways.

But I lost my afternoon.
It was wasted on anger.

And silence.
That cruel horrible silence.

"thank you for a wonderful lunch" was all I could muster.

I am bold.

No apologies.


Go scoot over to this page to wish my good friend Yoly Happy Birthday!!!

God Bless You!!!!

Happy B-day!!

Still alive

Over 7,000 people marched to prove that Autism is treatable and that many can recover....

I was beat, tired, exhausted....and today my voice is still raspy....

Here are some pics from Sunday and some other pics of her yesterday morning at a school dance. She was dressed in tipical puertorrican garb.

Returning back to the march, True's parents went and even Miss C's dad says present. It was a very special day for me, since I always march alone, and this year I had a family to march with.

Miss C was clearly adorable in her Yankees cap....mommy amd me matching caps might I add...

I ended the march with a small's in spanish but I put it for your viewing pleasure....

It went something like this:

"I can tell you how much Miss C has progressed and the afternoon would fall short.

I can tell you that just when we thought that she had progressed a lot, she surprised us by progressing even more.

I can tell you, that they told us she might repeat Kinder, and now there is a big chance she might go to first grade.

I can tell you she has lots of imaginary play and loves spongebob.

I can tell you she still loves pony's and now she loves Pet Shops.

I can tell you she doesn't like Discovery Kids, because she says: she is a big girl

I can tell you her teachers say she is a 'leader who moves the masses'.

I can tell you I feel very proud when I see her sleep without pampers, see her write her name and use the bathroom. Things she could not do last year.

I can tell you I still cry at night, because I don't know where this train will take us and what our last stop will be.

I can tell you my hair still falls out due to stress, especially when I feel I can do more.

I can tell you this all goes away, when she looks in my eyes and tells me like she did a couple months ago: 'mommy I love you because I am happy with you'.

I can tell you, I am happy too.

I can tell you I found happiness, love, a little bit of peace and hope this year.

I can tell you that I marched today to tell you all, that we broke the Myth and beat Autism.

I can tell you that God is Grand and has lots in store for all of us.

I can tell you that this that has happened to my family is not a fairytale, it is a beautiful reality.

A reality that can be available to many more family's if early diagnosis, accessible treatments were on hand, if the leaders, health and educational professionals did the ir job. So we can all one day yell out loud: We too, broke the Myth."

Break the Myth

This Sunday we march again....

For all our children. For mine, yours and those who will come.

I'll be on a radio station tomorrow doing some promo...and finishing some sales of the t-shirts of the event.

I will also be performing with True during the event.

It will be lots of work, but I know it will pay off.

When a child was diagnosed with Autism, there was usually no hope.

It was a very sad prognosis, without any expectations of a normal life, for neither the child or the family.

Today our reality is different. Although children are all different, many can be treated. Autism is Treatable.

There is a diverse amount of treatments from basic speech therapies to the most new avant-gard Dolphin Therapy....and biomedical treatments...

I've met some children who's initial Autistic Diagnosis has been removed because they no longer have the characteristics to meet this diagnosis.

Miss C is on the same track. She is, as her teachers would put it: "a very brilliant child, well ahead of her regular peers, a true leader that moves the masses!!".

Way to go Kid.
Not so shabby if I say so myself.

There is hope. There is a light. There is a way.

March with me.

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10 Years Ago...

I got the call I had dreaded for 10 years...

"Hello Mary...we're having our 10 Year High School Reunion next weekend".

10 Years!!??
I did NOT graduate 10 years ago...::cough:: 5 maybe...but not 10 ::cough cough::

My highschool years were a mixture of hatred and joy.

I hated most of my teachers and a great part of my classmates.

Especially those were thought their poop didn't stink.

Which were plenty of them.

But I loved my close knit friends, that I have lost touch with except K.

She is still a good friend.

I miss the drama...the drama provoked by my rebellion, my rap songs, my odd choice of outfits and the shock of the teachers when they realized I was a good student.

I miss the drama provoked by the fact that one of the cutest and most popular guys in school happened to take a liking to this rebellious, not so girly, girl.

When he became my boyfriend, tongues went a waggin'...sort of like a West Side Story sort of drama...minus the dancing scores in between.

I miss being driven to the prom with Empress (she was my date) in her mom's (RIP) convertible Porshe and see everyone's jaws drop...much to my delight...

I wore a dress to my prom, had my hair done and nails...I looked unrecognizable...

but I rapped on stage at the prom...with the dress and the hair...

By that time The Cute Boy had broked up with me, only to wanna come back on prom weekend....sucker me dove in and got my heart broken...once again...

But even with all the fun and games, I am soo glad I'm over that weird stage in my life and I'm off to weirder things....

I've gotta start some serious ab work..I have to lose about 10 pounds this week...

Trick o' Treat

So we went to Vader's.

As I was reapplying the kid's (Miss C's) bunny make up...she had a brilliant idea...

"Momma (she never says mommy), paint your face" no no no no....I ignore her.


Insert adorable doe-eyed child face here.

"paint your face momma...a kangaroo!!"

"Honey I'm your momma, not Picasso. No Kangaroo. But I bet I can do a wicked cat".

So off I was to paint my face.

There are no pictures for futher humiliation, Thank God.

So we get to Vader's. She has all types of goodies, candies,

The Bro arrives with the Girl, True also stops by and we all head off to Vader's room for our Wednesday's night of Scene it?. I got it on sale last week and we have been addicted ever since. So we sit on the bed, pull out the game board, turn on the TV and,

Bro gives me a look...I 'meow' at him...

"Oh...that's what you are!!"

"Yeah, whadya think I was?"

"The lost fourth member of KISS".


To add more salt to my wound, I was winning, and then the stupid questions came up, for the benefit of Bro and True...

"Who was the killer in Nightmare on Elm Street?" "Who was the Killer in Friday the 13th parts 2-10?"

I would get the ones that went: Answer the question that follows this clip....plays clip....question: "How many chairs were behind the person that was talking to the other person?"


Clearly they knew people with poor movie skils..::cough cough:: my Bro and True were playing.

The game is bias.

True won.

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