Being Miles Apart

Sometimes you can spend your entire life with someone or by someone, or you can stand in the same room with someone and feel like you are miles apart.

You look at this person and think: "Who are you?" "Why are you here?" "How did we ever get acquainted?" "Where is my friend and what have you done to her/him?"

I don't know if it's the mythical one year itch, or the busy schedules or the fact that I detest overpriced coffee, but the fact of the matter is, I've been standing in a still room with True for quite a while. Him on one end and me in the other corner.

It's not that I don't love him anymore.
It's not a question of love.

If people only new that Love makes up only half of the ingredients that go forth into the relationship pot.

I sometimes feel as though our relationship is sort of a facade.
People expect us to be together. Happy. Witty. Perfect. Made for each other.

Sometimes when we are on stage and he presents me and gushes about how I am his beautiful girlfriend/fiancé sans the ring, I wanna blurt out on the mic, "No No got it all wrong ooooh's and ahh's, sometimes I wanna ring his neck!!"

But alas, I play along.

We've talked. Argued. Gotten counseling from our pastors.

Things get easier. Then they get off again.

We're not fighting or bickering. We are just at a standstill.

We sit and vegetate all weekend. We go to church and pretend we are the holiest couple on earth.

We don't even pray together.
We don't even read the Bible together.

There was a time when I was addicted to reading the Word and articles on Christianity to True.
One night he told me to give it a rest for a while. He didn't mean it in a bad way, but for someone like me who was craving for the Word, it sort of just shut me down.

I never read to him again.

The times we do pray together, it seems forced, almost out of obligation.

I go to church with him and when I see him all cheery and praising I wonder: "Who the hell is this man?"

He probably feels the same way I guess.

He started a new job a few weeks ago and we had gone over the pro's and con's on the job, distance, gasoline use, difficulties, etc. etc. He took the job. He knew the risks involved. For weeks I kindly listened to his troubles, his fears, the horrible way he felt when mean people (really mean people) made him feel like mush. I prayed for him, to him, talked to him, was his cheerleader. But he just kept on going.

Jesus, I can only take so much.

One day he declared: "this week will be a disaster".

The week had not even commenced. I told him not to say that, because one thing I have learned is that the tongue is a mighty weapon and you get what you say. But he kept on going.

"Are you not a son of God? Are you not a deacon?"

Me and my big mouth. He went haywire. I was judging him, I was being inconsiderate, I was not understanding him. All I really wanted him to understand that, he should know better. He is a son of God, a man who has been a while in his path, he should know that no matter how bad things look, God will seek a way to make it all better.

I was/am disappointed. I look up to him. Not only as a significant other, but as a spiritual mentor. I did not mean to make him feel bad o insufficient for me. I love him just the way he is, but sometimes people need some tough love.

It's almost as the roles were reversed.

So now the room has gotten bigger and even though I can clearly tell by his swagger that the person on the other end is him, I cannot see his face.

I cannot see his face.
It's all a blur.

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