You know your hip modern life is over and that you are adventuring into the cold abyss of getting old, when your in traffic and are enjoying the #1 station pre-set on your favorites:

1320 AM

How do you know you're plunging into the abyss?

She spit on someone's face yesterday. Someone being the owner of the daycare she attends in the afternoon.

My heart just broke a little bit more.

I was driving this morning when "Sweet Child of Mine" the version Sheryl Crow does, came on the radio...

She sang: "Where do we go now?"

I don't know.
Part of me wants to go to war and make someone pay and take back what is mine.

and Part of me wants the easy route, give in, give her some meds and be on my merry way.

It's not fair that after all we've conquered we seem to be back at square one.

It's not fair that after all these years, I still have tears to shed.

Part of me can't even stand to see my Kid.
Part of me longs for her to fall asleep so I can have some time to myself.
Part of me wants to wake her up and reassure her that I'll love her no matter what and that whatever this thing is, we'll make it through.

Part of me knows this is easier said than done.

For the first time in my adult life, my mom told me to sit on her lap and she hugged me, kissed me and told me everything was going to be all right.

For the first time in my adult life she did not scold me, or yell at me, or tell me I was being exaggerated, or questioned my tears, or call me a wuss.

For the first time in my adult life, she told me she would give anything she had to make it all go away.

For the first time in my adult life she let me cry and didn't judge me.

For the first time in what it seems like ages she wasn't Vader. She was my mom.

Ever get the feeling that "One of these things is not like the Other" and that "these things" is another nice term meaning "You".

Let me just sum this up for ya'...

Tuesday: Parent / Teacher meeting, "Miss C is great academically, but after Auditory Training, her misbehavior has skyrocketed, she'll be going to first grade, but we are all very concerned". Yeah, well join the club.

Friday: We discover she has 7 homework assignments and a project due on Tuesday. Joy. I yell at her for something and she answers with the Spanish equivalent of "fuck you" My jaw drops in shock and I try to keep my sugar together and avoid going haywire myself.

Saturday: She is haywire at True's house, writes on wall with crayons and is just plain irritable. Later on, as we are doing homework I revise her communications notebook and discover a note from her teacher, stating she "touched very hard" (bitch slap, anyone?) an assistant's face.

As I am telling her she can't do this type of stuff, she looks at me very as-a-matter-of-factly and says her new phrase again. I burst into tears, try not to kill her and True takes over with the homework.

Sunday: Before leaving church I tell her that if she misbehaves one bit, she will not be joining the other children for their Sunday class.

....So we are at Sunday...

Miss C is busy doing her thing...hitting, jumping up and down, not following instructions, wanting to eat (she is always hungry) and basically digging my grave. I take her into the bathroom and do what I NEVER do....I pull down her pants and spank her.

I apologize. But a human being can take so much. She is hitting my face, poking me, head butting me; clearly pushing my buttons.

True takes charge and tells me to go enjoy the service; he'll sit with her in the conference room.

I try to sing, try to praise, but I'm furious, I'm hellamad.

Then it happened.

Something that had not happened in years.

I saw the rest of the children dancing and waving their banners and singing...and I couldn't stand it.

The pain was way too much.

I tried to control myself, but I couldn't.
For the first time in several years it hurt to see other children. Other meaning 'normal'.

I felt a tinge of envy. For the first time in months I started thinking things people shouldn't think of.

I made my way out of the main church and into the children's room, passing by True.

I walked in the room, leaned on the wall and began to sob.

True walked in, worried as hell.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"I can't be outside today. It hurts to see the kids".

"Why?"

"Because my kid isn't one of them".

"Oh, ..." and he started what was a speech of 'dontthinklikethatmisscisspecial' and I cut him off.

Sorry, but no one can understand unless they are in your skin

He left me alone.

He is a good man and has an idea of what I'm going through, but it's not the same.

You wait 9 months for a child and get this ball of chaos. A ball of chaos you did not sign up for.

It' s a cold hand to be dealt.

I tried to calm down, Miss C calmed down a bit, but as soon as the kids went in for their class, hell broke loose again.

If you remember the previous lines, the deal was this: be good, go to class with kids, be bad, sit with mom.

Applied Behavioral Analysis.

She cried, she pleaded, she screamed in my ear, she hit...she begged: "I WANNA GO WITH MY KIIIIIIIDSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"

Why not let her go with the kids and free myself of this agony...????

If I did, I would defy the whole purpose of discipline. Miss C would quickly realize that she could have her way with a little bit of pressure and I'd be screwed.

At one point it was a tear fest...Me and Miss C, who'd cry and go crazy first. She grabbed my head, I'd grab hers...it was a sight.

I guess it was very loud because eventually my Pastor came in to see what was happening.

Her take, she did not agree that I should punish Miss C by not letting her be with the kids. She said I should never punish her by keeping her away from the word of God. I started to cry. But this time my tears were of sheer anger. I explained nicely that this was the way I was going to discipline her and that my intentions were not to keep her away from God, that this was the way it was going to be, period.

I left church yesterday feeling humiliated, angry, spiteful, devastated.

We eventually went out to eat to clear our minds and ended up having a much better late afternoon.

But the headache and the heartache were too much to bear and it seems that no matter how much people think they understand, the truth is, no one who isn't walking in those shoes, does.