The Scientist

So there was a time I could not listen to Coldplay's "The Scientist" without completely breaking down.  It was automatic. I heard that song and I would just crumble.  I would be driving and had to contain myself to avoid looking like a raccoon once I arrived to work, or school, or wherever   Sometimes I even played it when I needed a good cry.  Just to get it out of my system.  I would, as in the video, go back, rewind and reminisce; of all that has gone to shit.

My relationship with Vader, Vietnam, the kid's Autism, my crappy job that I justify with "it pays the bills", relationships gone bad, sour, wrong, lost...all the disasters a human can collect throughout their existence.

I would go back and try to pinpoint the exact, precise moment it all went to hell; trying to see what I did that made it all go wrong, since I have always believed, that since I am the common denominator in all the scenarios, I must have some kind of partial responsibility.  Maybe if I tried more, maybe if I was less stressed during my pregnancy, maybe if I was nicer, smarter, quieter....enough maybe's to haunt you two lifetimes and back again.

But today, today as I sat and drove and listed to The Scientist, I was bewildered. I did not cry.  I did not even make an attempt to tear up.  Nothing, zilch, nada.  I realized I was so over so many things.  Over the drama with Vader and Vietnam, over Autism and all the crap it carries along, over relationships that don't have a point being remembered, unless it is to give you a swift kick in the ass so you don't forget your errors.  I was over it.  I was over it for today.

That doesn't mean that all will be well; that my relationship with Vader will be mended, or that all will be peachy with the kid; doesn't mean I will be happy-go-lucky everyday on my way to work.  It just means...that as they come, I will deal and when I'm done dealing, on to the hanging around for second blows or being masochistic and rewinding every single event to pinpoint my faults.  

It would be so easy to "just go back to the start"....but "no body said it was easy"....and I'm done with the instant replays...what's done is done...and I'm feeling so much more like "Paradise" right about now....

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