"Isn't Valentine's the best Holiday"-the kid
"No, it isn't"-me

and she stared at me and demanded to know why I had stabbed her in her little sweet ol' heart.

I started to think how to put it diplomatically   But really, there was no way.  I cannot tell a lie.  I couldn't lie to her either.  Valentine's is a crock.  And I don't say that because I don't believe in love.  I say it, because it is.  It is a crock.  A commercial crock.  It is the day of the year I wish I didn't have to leave my house.  People in red, the flower sending, the chocolate buying, sugary lovey dovey, restaurant filled, motel packed day of the year.  Cards for lovers, husbands, wives, friends, grandparents, dogs, cats...dammit. The chalk tasting hearts with crooked printings of "Be Mine"...the Peeps...well, the Peeps aren't bad...I can deal with the Peeps, but...all in all, aren't we a little overboard?

And who can forget: The proposals!! Oh God!! The proposals!!! (which not so long ago I was subject to on a Valentine's Day and I swear I could hear the God's laughing).

Really? Really?

Is this all necessary   Do we need, just like Mother's Day, ONE day to tell someone you love them? With a pink and red 6 foot plush Teddy Bear that plays "Great Balls of Fire" when you squeeze it's paw???!!


Then: the possible break ups, the back to ignoring your loved one, the screening of the incoming calls, the pouring over facebook statuses to analyze what his/her post ment and if it was directed to you.  From "in a relationship" to "it's complicated".

The aftermath of the sugar induced future diabetics of the planet.

I am not pessimistic or loved scorned.  I do believe in love, in being there for your other mate, in showing some kind of affection, whatever your choice maybe.  I just don't go with the masses or the crap they try to feed us.  I don't need a 6 foot teddy bear.  I need someone to be there for me.  To mean what they say, to stick it out in all types of weather, to hold down the fort with me.  I need people to be nicer to each other, everyday, love their kids, neighbors, planet, the guy at the light asking for some change.

Love is and should be in constant motion.

No one should wanna be someone's Valentine's....you should wanna be their love.

So I opened my mouth, ready to give my 101 reasons why Valentine's sucks and as the kid stood there demanding my explanation, all I could muster was:

"Just kidding!! Valentine's is awesome".

Her face was relieved.

Just like Santa and the Three Kings and the rest of things in life that seem real but are fake, she had enough time to find out on her own, without me pushing it, what a crock this was as well.

For now, let her love, even if it is in the sake of this fake saint.  And let her, wanna let me, be her Valentine's.

This week I got one of the many episodes I get from people who have barely seen the kid during her life and have all kinds of opinions of her diagnosis, prognosis and other misconceptions they like to add on.

So today I received a Multimedia Message on my phone.  You know the one with Gene Wilder, as Willy Wonka?  Where he says something smart ass along the lines of:

you got to know the one, cause there are tons of them all over the place.
Well this one started off with the sentence, and I am gonna repeat it for the sake of writing, because believe me kiddos, I would rather not repeat this one...."So you have big tits...."

Insert long ass pause here.
Insert bewildered, whatthehellano face in here.

I mean, we are all adults, and I received some cray-cray texts and pics from my female friends and we kid around a lot...but this, coming from a member of the opposite sex; a member whom I don't consider in my inner circle of "ifyougetarrestediwilljoinyouintheslammer" friends.

I, the woman with a thousand words and quick wit, was astonished.  Flabbergasted.  Offended.

Should I answer and how?

"Asshole"

It was all I could conjure that could every so eloquently speak my mind.

I was immediately accused of having no sense of humor.

Dude, do I look like I'm 17 and shop at Hot Topics?  I am a woman...a grown ass woman.  You are a grown ass man.  Ever wonder why you're still single?  Hint, muthableepin', hint.

I have a sense of humor, a dark, dry, sense of humor, but alas, I do have one.
I can be witty, funny, charming, comical.

I like humor.
I don't like crass.

There is a difference.

"CRASS".  There is a reason "ASS" is in that word.  It ain't no coincidence.

So I curse you technological Gods for creating Multimedia Messages and giving people the sense that crass and vulgar and cheap, equals funny messages to share with people you don't barely see or hang out with.

And I thank you because in that same world, I can choose to unfriend and delete such crud and block further bodily parts and function jokes from every invading my space.

I have bodily parts and functions...but my ASS has CLASS.

That's the difference.

So there was a time I could not listen to Coldplay's "The Scientist" without completely breaking down.  It was automatic. I heard that song and I would just crumble.  I would be driving and had to contain myself to avoid looking like a raccoon once I arrived to work, or school, or wherever   Sometimes I even played it when I needed a good cry.  Just to get it out of my system.  I would, as in the video, go back, rewind and reminisce; of all that has gone to shit.

My relationship with Vader, Vietnam, the kid's Autism, my crappy job that I justify with "it pays the bills", relationships gone bad, sour, wrong, lost...all the disasters a human can collect throughout their existence.

I would go back and try to pinpoint the exact, precise moment it all went to hell; trying to see what I did that made it all go wrong, since I have always believed, that since I am the common denominator in all the scenarios, I must have some kind of partial responsibility.  Maybe if I tried more, maybe if I was less stressed during my pregnancy, maybe if I was nicer, smarter, quieter....enough maybe's to haunt you two lifetimes and back again.

But today, today as I sat and drove and listed to The Scientist, I was bewildered. I did not cry.  I did not even make an attempt to tear up.  Nothing, zilch, nada.  I realized I was so over so many things.  Over the drama with Vader and Vietnam, over Autism and all the crap it carries along, over relationships that don't have a point being remembered, unless it is to give you a swift kick in the ass so you don't forget your errors.  I was over it.  I was over it for today.

That doesn't mean that all will be well; that my relationship with Vader will be mended, or that all will be peachy with the kid; doesn't mean I will be happy-go-lucky everyday on my way to work.  It just means...that as they come, I will deal and when I'm done dealing, on to the next....no hanging around for second blows or being masochistic and rewinding every single event to pinpoint my faults.  

It would be so easy to "just go back to the start"....but "no body said it was easy"....and I'm done with the instant replays...what's done is done...and I'm feeling so much more like "Paradise" right about now....

"It's cold out there" 

I had not heard a more accurate or real as hell phrase that so bravely and so boldly expressed in a nutshell what the dating world is...or relationships in general.

It is a cold, cold world as Gza would say.

Dating is hard. Dating with a kid is harder. Wanting to date, is a whole 'nother story.

I am single, by choice. I don't mean that in a cocky manner. It's not like I have a line outside my door of suitors wanting to date me (though I should, cause I am awesome)....all jokes aside...I have had my share of experiences in the dating world and have found some interesting, good people. Just not interesting, good people for me. 

Truth is, I still cannot come to terms with giving up control. But even as I sit and type this and even if I say in millions of conversations that all is swell and that I love my liberty...

I realized this past New Year's Eve, that I got cold, I got the chills. As the clock struck twelve and my lil' brother kissed his wife, I couldn't help but feel a bit cheated. I bit like, has this world gone mad? My little brother has a relationship. And I by choice, have decided to stay on the sidelines. I scrambled as far away as I could, in a room, and couldn't help fight a couple of tears as Empress called and told me "it will be better". 

So I am at this crossroad. Do I want it to be better? Do I wanna take the chance? Can I bare exposing myself and risk becoming one of THOSE people I loathe at times? The ones who talk all giddy about their other half and seem, at times, like conjoined twins. I did that and in retrospective realized I had lost myself; and am back on the road to recovery. 

So, yes, it does get cold out there. Yes, there are times I might feel like maybe I'm missing out and that I am walking a very thin line to becoming the crazy cat lady but then again, maybe I won't. Maybe there is a happily every after, with a conjoined twin...or not... 

 Either way, I brought my sweater, if it gets chilly, I'm ready. 

 Always ready.