This weekend I went to see the acclaimed play "David's Mom" about a mother's struggle "Sally", with her disabled teen "David", who happened to be Autistic and has a degree of mental retardation.

The theater was jammed packed. The play began. People laughed at inappropiate parts, like when David began touching himself and his aunt pointed it out...The dialogue was crude, realistic...no cover ups....

A mom who had become so obsessed with her son that she forgot she had a husband, a daughter, a life outside of the Autistic Realm. They left her, because they could no longer bare to see how deep this woman had sank. She literally forgot about everyone else around her. She did not want David to go to school. Social workers threatening her, a very messy home...a new possible boyfriend who wants to help, but keeps getting pushed aside...were all important parts of the story.

But...
It was her attitude. Her words that marked me.

She was sarcastic, at moments almost crude with her son...calling him a "moron"...making jokes about his disabilities...

Most people thought they were cruel...that she was a terrible mother...a pea-brain of a mother, as I heard someone call her.

I totally disagree.

Her sarcasm...her jokes...her "I-dont-give-a-fuck" attitude was her only defense mechanism.

It was her only chance to survive.

I love it when she questions her actions when she talks about a supermarket trip where her son is being stared at by a seven year old...

"I hated this little girl...she was staring...it is not polite to stare...I called her ugly...and I hated her..what kind of woman am I that I hate a seven year old and call her ugly?".


The audience laughed.

I couldn't help feel hot tears swell up in my eyes and a pang in my heart.

I've hated children and people for staring, for being cruel, for asking improper questions or making improper comments.

I know how that feels.

I know how it feels to just wanna keep your kid at home and not let the world contaminate their innocence or hurt them...

and not wanna let anyone else in.

I was "Sally".

True even saw the uncanny resemblance.

He looked over at me..."Now I understand so many things I didn't before...I know why you are so sarcastic..why you act the way you do..."

There was one particular scene where her boyfriend teaches "David" how to use the DVD...she argues that his efforts are worthless, that her son will never do any of those things...that he will be no next governor...her boyfriend leaves extremely hurt...then "Sally" realizes that "David" in fact has learned to use the DVD player.

She realizes the damage she has done, not only to David but to herself...by pushing everyone away, she has made David more disabled than he was to begin with. Her discovery was the pinnacle of the play. She let David go. And it was over. The curtain was down.

I did not cry.
People applauded.

Then the actors came out for their applauses.

When "David" came out....the tears began to fog up my sight.

I rose out of my seat...then "Sally" came out...

I lost it.

Because I was there on stage.

Sally and I were the same.

and I thought of all the other Sally's out there....all the other Sally's who have not yet realized that they have to let go...

All the Sally's sitting and waiting for their applause...for the last curtain call.

and I cried.

and I cried last night.

because I haven't come to full terms with the course of my life...and Miss C's...

because when things are good, they are good..but then there are nights like last night, when things are bad...they are BAD. When I am tired, of the laundry, of the kid, of making ends meets to stock up the fridge, of the broken refrigerator, the broken tv, of the people who don't have an ounce of empathy and let me be.

and I am "Sally"...tired and disheveled...wanting a epiphany....wanting that standing ovation....

don't we all...?