You are 5 today.

Time moves on fast in the retrospective.

But during these five years it's been a hell of a long ride.

Too long at some moments.

You are so fragile still. So small, so thin....so innocent.
You still do not comprehend many social things and still are quite solitary. It pains me to see that we still have work to do.

I feel guilty at times for not being able to give you more.
More what?

I don't know.

You are now five, fully bilingual, (although sometimes your jibberish goes in 'full blast mode' and we have no idea what you are saying)loving, manipulative and dramatic.

You have a smile that can light up any dark alley but....

You have also learned to be a coniving, manipulative lil' person.

Saying : "I love you" everytime you see me frowing in despair.

You still have your major tantrums, like yesterday when we couldn't find your toy 'lizard' and you cried and screamed and tensed up your muscles...::sigh:: you even banged on my chest demanding I do something...

Like pull the missing lizard out of my arse.

Days like yesterday are hard for me. I hurt to see you in pain, in that rage of emotions.

It is very exhausting at times.

I've learned to not focus on those times and enjoy the smaller better moments.

Like when you sleep.

Sometimes I lay real close to you to hear you breathe and smell your hair.
Sometimes I take your little hand and hold it in mine until I too, drift off into la la land.

I owe you so much.
You have made me part with my obsessive compulsive ways, at least most of them.

You have made me into a fierce advocate of your rights and the rights of others.
You have motivated me to help other parents who are swimming in a sea of uncertaintly and confusion. Like we swam in once.

Every mother I listen to, every case I see, brings back a tidal wave of hard memories I wish to forget.

But they are there.
Not to remind me of how hard it was.
But to remind me of how blessed we are and how far we've come.

You have transformed me into the mother I never imagined I'd be.
You are the reason why I lose my temper.
But you are also the reason I thank God.

My life would be meaningless without your direction, your infinite love, and blind faith for me.

I have accepted the challenge to be your mom and to embrace you for all that you are, and all that you WILL BE.

You are so smart, so brilliant, so loving, so detail orientated, so talented, that I open my mouth to *gasp* in delight everytime you do something to astonish me.

And that happens nearly everyday.

And it will continue to happen.

There is no doubt in my mind that you will be an excellent Kindergardener and a beautiful 5 year old.

No matter how many years will go on, you will always be my baby.
And I will hold your hand and watch you sleep for many more years to come.

Te Amo Chungui!!!!!!!!
Happy B-Day!