As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death…aka…The Supermarket…

I have just realized I have no groceries…

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (kneeling on floor, screaming with fist up in the air)….

If there is one thing that I really hate...is the wonderful world of Supermarkets…

One: I never have anyone to take care of Miss C..so she has to come along…things are all wrong from the get-go…

I get there..try to find a handicap parking space…and it seems everyone in my town is handicapped…so I have to park…as u would say in Spanish: “En casa del Carajo”..

Translation: “In the House of F*ck”…

I make sure...before I get out of the car I have three things:
1. My list…yes I make a list...and yes I check it twice…and by God I stick to it..!!
2. My wallet….duh...
3. At least 3 quarters….

3 quarters for the wonderful ‘gumball machines’... (Which no longer have gumballs)…Miss C has a machine obsession. So as soon as she sees the supermarket sign, she knows it’s on…

But, the machines are on the Exit side of the market…so I have to wait till someone exits the SM to get in... wait like 5 minutes till Miss C makes up her mind…usually picking some candy fish…and then proceed to the most important part of the trip:

The shopping cart selection…

This is the “Make or Break” part of the trip…
Cuz u see the selection of the shopping cart…determines everything…there is a wide selection of crappy carts to choose from...cuz u see... I never pick out the working ones…I am a magnet for challenged carts…

1. The wobbly cart: it looks perfectly normal... but wobbles like it’s getting jiggy...
2. Noisy Cart: makes the loudest noises as u stroll down the aisles…u couldn’t possibly steal anything from the SM with that give away...

And my personal favorite:
3. The Stuck Wheel: I always get this one... it is the one, that drives well for a few feet…gets it’s wheels jammed…u unjam them...and then a few more feet and BAM!! JAMMED AGAIN!!

So u select ur cart... and the fun begins…
U walk into the wonderful produce section... where everything is nice and colorful…an aisle I hardly visit. ..so I zoom right past…

Since I have a list…I know which aisles I will visit…and which ones to avoid…but my SM is very special…it changes its aisles every so often...they’ve even incorporated an “I don’t know where this sh*t belongs” aisle…

but that is the least of my worries

…U do not shop alone…u shop with other fellow human beings…some of which are not as meticulous and considerate as u…and those are the ones that u wish u could smack with a bag of rice…or at least make em’ kneel in some for like 15 minutes…

The Obstruction Shopper: I will leave my shopping cart right in the middle to go wonder around the aisle, and look at u very meanly when u attempt to move my cart out of the way.

The Hazardous Shopper: Will not be afraid to leave ur fingers bashed upon their cart as they graze right by ya…

And my personal favorite:
Children Shopper: I will let my child drive the cart... especially on a day when the SM is very, very full…and let my child just wonder about with the cart…and say "Susie..can't u see the lady is trying to pass?? Why don't u move the cart ?..in the most annoying voice...

So…u have to stick to ur list…watch all these danger zones…avoid aisles with candy, cakes and junk food…pick up Miss C’s candy fish that fall on the floor and avoid her near death, due to her body constantly dangling over the cart…

So u get Ur sh*t...and head out for the most wonderful part of ur shopping trip…
Checkout…

Here at the checkout... many factor, people and things collide….

Part 1: The Cashier
You can get the : I don’t give a shit..I’m mad..pissed..at the World..cashier...

You can also get the: I like speaking to my next aisle cashier buddies..and make stupid remarks out loud about the people in my line..or our sexual escapades..

You can get the: Boy…boy cashiers... are a disaster…as stated by the most credible source: my mom…

Part II: The Bagger
The one who has no fucking clue what he’s doing and puts the bread with the gallon of water. squishing ur loaf to mush..

The one who doubles the bag for bread..but in a single one places 2 gallons of water.

The one that keeps putting things that aren’t urs in the cart..

or…no bagger at all!!

Part III: The People in ur line..
The 25 items in the 10 items or less lane iliterate…Come on’..they know, they don’t have 10 items or less (that is why they avoid ur glare) they are complete idiots..they can read and count...u know they don’t have 10 items or less..and the cashier does too…sh*t drives me batty..

The “oh-do you mind if I just go ahead of u and pay for my organic bread and water because it's only two items and I’m in kind of a hurry, late for yoga, you know?” type

To which I become the “sure why the hell not..i’m only a single mom, who has to make book bags and lunch bags when I get home, not to mention get uniforms and clothes ready for work, and my daughter is not hanging over the side of the cart, wailing at the top of her lungs that she wants to go home” person….Biach!!! Hell no..u make ur own goddamn line …

The “I am gonna pay with a check..but I’m gonna wait till the very last moment to try to start searching for the checkbook, and when I find it…I will realize I do not have a pen to write my check with in the first place” person

The “I forgot half of my groceries..and I am going to send the rest of my family to run around like if this was a “supermarket sweep game show” to gather the rest of the things my stupid ass forgot cuz I ain’t make a list” person

The “this item is on sale and u are charging me the regular price which is 3 cents more” person.

The “I emptied out my cart, and gonna leave it in the lane..cuz I have no obligation to remove it, so other fellow grocery shoppers can pay for their items” person

All just dandy...isn't it...

So after all of this, if i can still make it to my car, safetly..all while avoiding random shopping carts that people leave in the way and roll around by themselves…tip the kid who drove my cart..get my groceries in and started my car…I have been to hell and back..and now am invincible…..hurrah!!