Firestarter Part Deux

So...long story shorter..

I took him home.
I cried as I walked through the parking lot.
I was more upset and angry than anything else.

Vietnam was upset I was upset.
He promised he would get help, he promised not to do anything.

I don't know if I should believe him.
I don't know if I made the right decision.

I got him home.
Vader was there.
Upset I didn't commit him.
I told her I couldn't handle all the responsability.
She told me it was my responsability because he was my father.

Yeah. and he's still your husband.

So, I decided to go to church. I was supposed to go and didn't know if I could make it and I rushed over there because I needed it.

True told the Pastors.
The Pastors were there. They heard me and prayed for me. They told me I made the right decision and confirmed it was too much for me alone. Then I proceeded to take my class and we were all assigned something to pray outloud for. I was to pray for my father. I didn't get through the first few words of my prayer. So everyone prayed for me. And as they prayed I felt something I had never felt before. I felt my whole body tremble and shake and I felt silence. Silence in my head. The winding gears had stopped. And it felt good.

After church I drove True home.

I cried some more. He consoled.

He added:

"Sometimes you walk around like you're doused in gasoline...and any little thing that happens sets you on fire"

Yeah. He's right. I walk around like a a fire whatever...I get agitaded quickly, especially when it comes to my parents.
It hurts.

Because I hold them so close to my heart. Believe it or not.
I wanna swoop them up and patch them up and make it all better.

I am not their parent.
I am their daughter.

And we all have to pitch in and stop patching things up.
We have to start anew.


Aside from all the shit and all the tears and all the screams of:

"God..I don't deserve this!!!!" (as I drove trying to find the place).

I myself understand I need healing as well.
I need to love them.
Without restrictions.
I need to love them and take them in with love.
Even if my love isn't reciprocated.

I am thankful I am surrounded by so many special people in this dire time of need. I thank you all for your prayers, I'm sure they were all heard...because after all the mayhem, in the solitude of my house at 1 am...I felt peace. I slept like a baby....

And today is a new day.
And I can't keep being a human ticking bomb..or a firestarter...or a ball of wrath.

A ball of fire can't wear Manolo's.
Or Jimmy Choo's.

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