So...long story shorter..

I took him home.
I cried as I walked through the parking lot.
I was more upset and angry than anything else.

Vietnam was upset I was upset.
He promised he would get help, he promised not to do anything.

I don't know if I should believe him.
I don't know if I made the right decision.

I got him home.
Vader was there.
Upset I didn't commit him.
I told her I couldn't handle all the responsability.
She told me it was my responsability because he was my father.

Yeah. and he's still your husband.

So, I decided to go to church. I was supposed to go and didn't know if I could make it and I rushed over there because I needed it.

True told the Pastors.
The Pastors were there. They heard me and prayed for me. They told me I made the right decision and confirmed it was too much for me alone. Then I proceeded to take my class and we were all assigned something to pray outloud for. I was to pray for my father. I didn't get through the first few words of my prayer. So everyone prayed for me. And as they prayed I felt something I had never felt before. I felt my whole body tremble and shake and I felt silence. Silence in my head. The winding gears had stopped. And it felt good.

After church I drove True home.

I cried some more. He consoled.

He added:

"Sometimes you walk around like you're doused in gasoline...and any little thing that happens sets you on fire"

Yeah. He's right. I walk around like a firestarter...like a fire whatever...I get agitaded quickly, especially when it comes to my parents.
It hurts.

Because I hold them so close to my heart. Believe it or not.
I wanna swoop them up and patch them up and make it all better.
But...

I am not their parent.
I am their daughter.

And we all have to pitch in and stop patching things up.
We have to start anew.

::sigh::

Aside from all the shit and all the tears and all the screams of:

"God..I don't deserve this!!!!" (as I drove trying to find the place).

I myself understand I need healing as well.
I need to love them.
Without restrictions.
I need to love them and take them in with love.
Even if my love isn't reciprocated.

I am thankful I am surrounded by so many special people in this dire time of need. I thank you all for your prayers, I'm sure they were all heard...because after all the mayhem, in the solitude of my house at 1 am...I felt peace. I slept like a baby....

And today is a new day.
And I can't keep being a human ticking bomb..or a firestarter...or a ball of wrath.

A ball of fire can't wear Manolo's.
Or Jimmy Choo's.