Exactly a month from today, the 11th, Miss C will be four years old.

My how time flies.

She is sooo not the girl I had a year ago, and definitely not the baby I gave birth to.


Having Miss C was the hardest decision of my life. She wasn't an 'oops'..but confirming your pregnancy while still in college and still not fully knowing what u wanna do with ur life wasn't easy.

When Miss C was born, she was far from a 'normal' baby.
I remember long ass nights of non-stop crying and midnight trips to the ER, just to hear everyone tell us:

"Your daughter is physically healthy.."

NO ONE seemed to know what exactly was wrong with her.

I was at my wits end. I hated everyone that came up to me and said:

"OHHH..Isn't motherhood wonderful?? Doesn't it change your life...Enjoy her while you can, cuz they grow up so fast".

Yeah...it changed my life allright, in a "I wanna pay someone to kidnap me and never make me reappear type of way". At 6 weeks, I wanted to send Miss C off to College...

In Pakistan.

I was literally a zombie. I was very sleep deprived. Everytime she cried I cringed. I yelled, cursed and hated motherhood. I was actually happy my maternity leave was over so I could get a break from her and let others deal with the mayhem.

I did not have a happy baby.

My mom didn't even wanna take care of her. I was going mad. Even through of this disaster I managed to graduate from College with a B.A. in Psychology that would come in handy in the months ahead.

As months passed, I managed to resist the urge of jumping out of a moving vehicle. I was worried. Even though people, like doctors and family, told me not to worry, Miss C was getting weirder by the minute. She was walking on tip toes, handflapping, having horrible tantrums that would last for hours, headbanging (and I don't mean it in a Heavy Metal rocker kinda of way), she would bite, be very agressive, at 2 years of age she did not talk or mumble or nothing..and she seemed like she was deaf.

I worried because even normal things like going to the supermarket were unbearable. Once we went, and she had a tantrum and managed to bite some flesh off my arm...I left everything where it was, groceries, the cart, and drove home. I remember crying in my driveway while Miss C wailed in the background. This was clearly not what I wanted!! I hated myself for not being able to to manage her..Christ I had a B.A. in Psychology!!! And while all of this was going on: my marriage was falling apart for totally other reasons. But that did not stop me.

I decided to get a second opinion.
First thing my new doc suggested: an ear exam.
After that came back ok. My doc suggested various evaluations by various specialists.

I had been doing some research of my own and kinda of suspected what the possible cause for all her behavior was, but didn't want to make a quick diagnosis without a real specialist. I shared my thoughts with my family and as I took her to her first evaluation, we all prayed for the best.

At the end of her 2nd day of evaluation, the psychologist sat me down and asked me what I thought. I told her I thought Miss C had many Autistic traits. She agreed. My world ended right then and there.

There are no words to console a parent, when they find out something is wrong. My mother even told me as I walked through the door in tears:

"But you told me you suspected that, so what's the big surprise?".

WTF

NO matter how many ideas I had, the confirmation Miss C being Autistic was enough to make me wanna die. Deep down inside I hoped my suspicions weren't true. I wanted to literally kill myself and be selfish and let others handle this burden. With that thought my journey began.

Months of tests, evaluations, specialists, all of who confirmed the initial Diagnosis (all except the Neurologist). Many very positive but a few offering negative prognosis for Miss C. Many told me I had to cope with the fact that maybe she wouldn't be able to talk or do many things.

I am Aries, a fire sign...don't tell me what she can or cannot do. I did not take "she will not be able to" as an answer.

I asked many questions, read like hell, put her in everything I could afford and was at my disposal. I cried, fought, screamed, but I did what I had to do. I felt the eyes of those who doubted my un-orthodox methods and my search for alternative medicine. I was NOT gonna put my 2 year old on meds. Till this day that is still the plan. I felt the scrutiny of eyes of those who don't have a clue and never will, that what she has is not a joke or is to be taken lightly.

At 2 years old, she did not talk, had no eye contact, no social skills, was agressive, and had lots of sensory issues. Just a mess. I wanted a little girl. Not this unrecognizable child who had no clue I even existed. I wanted her to call me "mommy". Hearing other children call out for their moms and seeing them play at birthday parties was unbearable and heart wrenching.

I slowly slid away. I stopped going out. I didn't want contact with the outside world. Then I met a wonderful support group Alianza de Autismo de Puerto Rico where I met such lovely people as Aimée, Arlene, Maria, Nino, Amelia, Yoly, Yeroline (a few whom I have never actually met in person)...I understood then that I was not alone. That I needed to make some changes.

So, I decided to conquer my demons. I got help for myself. I was so busy with Miss C, that I had gotten physically and mentally strained. I recharged.

Today, almost 2 years later, many things have changed.
I still have my issues. Which I am still working with.

But Miss C...oh boy, she is something else!

She giggles, she understands jokes, plays, has eye contact, follows instructions, talks...!! OH BOY DOES SHE TALK!!

she is like what Dory from Finding Nemo would call:

Mr. Bossy

She still has her quirks...still plays with clothespins, still has her tantrums, but not nearly as bad as before, she has stopped tip toeing, and hand flapping...she hugs and kisses and knows her colors and numbers...

Recently she was seen by some specialist in Florida who told me she was in great condition!! and everyone that has seen her lately has commented on how great she has come along!! It's really impressive!! I can't stop looking at her and be amazed how far we have gotten...Her occupational therapist even said that she can hardly see ANY autistic traits in her anymore...Her main issues are concentration and speech.

Our road isn't over..yet..not by a long shot...but knowing that maybe just maybe she will be an independent fully functioning adult..makes me sleep better at night..cuz I always fear of something happening to me and leaving Miss C in the dark...

Like Catherine Maurice's book title :

Let me hear your voice...

I have heard Miss C's voice...and in a loud squeaky adorable one, it says:

"Mommy"