On my 101 Things, The Empress has pointed out something that I have noticed I have not posted about yet:

My "Special Family"...notice I used the term "special" because the term I usually use, might be offensive for some...(psst.lean in closer, I usually say 'retards')

For those of you who have had the opportunity of meeting my fam, ya' know what I'm talkin' bout. Empress and Brazilian Princess know. I don't know if Brazilian Princess remembers, but if you turn back the clock, I bet u can.

Let's begin with Exhibit A:
MY DAD

I don't know his age. He keeps telling me he's 46 every year. So I've quit asking. Physically I have his color skin: white & his chinky eyes...that's it..THANK GOD.
I would not want his thin lips and oddly shaped nose.

Anyway. My dad is...well, how can I put it, quirky, odd, stupid, silly, or plain out of his fuckin' mind. We have never had a very good relationship and so we kinda of drive each other apeshit from time to time. He is obsessive compulsive, things have to go in a certain order, like his clothes, shirts, etc. His shoes all go in their original boxes in their bags, nice and neat. He polishes his shoes everyday and if u dare touch his freshly polished shoes, ur officially on his hit list.

He has a finger, his thumb, which he cannot move due to an accident as a child. And everytime he is ironing his clothes and his inmobil thumb gets in the way, he bangs his hand on the ironing board and yells:

"DAMN ALL HANDICAP PEOPLE!!! &*^%$*) ::bang bang bang:: I DAMN U GOD, FOR MAKING ME HANDICAPPED!!!"....

Picture hysterical peeing type laughter from me and my mom here.

"KEEP MAKING FUN OF ME!! I CAN'T RULE IN MY OWN HOUSE...DAMN U".

Picture uncontrollable laughter in which u are crying here.

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He hates when it rains. Cuz he doesnt drive or own a car. Travels only by foot, or public transportation, in his Tommy Hillfiger shirt,tie and slacks (yeah, cuz he's a stuck up retard). When it rains my mom suffers cuz he starts cursing and saying that God is Shit and he is being punished. My mom usually prays outloud asking for God to cut of his tongue, for saying such mean things about her God (This coming from a woman who tapes her lottery tickets on my grandma's pictures and prays God will help win a buck or two).

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He hates it when u kiss him. Hence I never kiss him, or hug him or tell him that I love him. Neither does my bro. I only do it when I wanna drive him completely insane, I love to see him squirm.

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He has a weird way of manifesting 'love'. He's never done so, to us. But he does show 'love' to Miss C:

"Miss C...grandpa's motherfucker"...
I swear that, that is what he says.

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My dad talks really fast. Even for a latino. Sometimes u can't make out what he is saying, and we all just nod and say 'yes yes'. Most of the time, he mumbles. My mom calls him "Mr.Mumble"...that's when he doesn't stutter, or continuously repeats himself. If given the case he has had one beer too many he'll do all simultaneously. Then we're really fucked communication wise.

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It's really embarrasing having friends over, cuz he'll get goofy and stupid and fart (yes, fart, he did this last week in front of my brother's girlfriend and I was mortified..Oh...so that's where Miss C gets it from...) and he does all other kinds of things u'd wanna kill him for later (Like tell really bad jokes. Me and The empress taped him once telling joke of a turd and a flower).

Now, if ur a regular at my house, and ur name isn't Cory (my bro's best friend who my dad wants to 'kill'), he'll take a liking to ya...and he'll do this each and everytime he sees u:

"Hey...The good ol' the good ol' the good ol' (insert stutter here)_____(insert name here)..where u here?!!" and he'll proceed to shake ur hand furiously...

And we'll probably just laugh in his face and he'll ask why we are laughing...

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He buys stuff we don't need. He can't eat nuts. He is allergic to them. So every X mas he buys a bag of nuts.
One night, during the Holidays, me and my brother are at the table doing homework and he comes home, settles down and approaches us at the table:

"Where are my nuts?"

Me and my brother exchange "WTF?" looks

"We don't know"

"I bought a bag of nuts home today, where is it?"

"I don't know" I answer.

"You probably took it" he accuses my brother.

"Why on earth would I want a bag of nuts?" bro answers

"By the time I get back that bag of nuts better appear".

Look. We normally do play pranks on him, but this time, it's like dude, we don't have ur nuts.

So by the time he comes back, he's pissed.

"ROAAARRR *&^%^%$#@#$%^ GIVE ME MY NUTS!!!"

So you know that now were are hysterically laughing...

"We don't have em!!"

So he comes to the table,and this is where it gets good, he picks up a sheet of notebook paper on the table and looks UNDER it.

Now my people, how the fuck is it possible that a bag of bulging nuts is hiding under a sheet of flat notebook paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now we are crying and roaring with laughter....

So he storms into the bathroom,which faces the table where we are at. And we keep on laughing and lifting up the sheet of paper and going: NOPE IT AINT THERE..

So he pokes his head out the door, with shaving cream still attatched:

"YOU!! (My bro) I'M GONNA PUNCH U IN THE FACE U LIL FUCK!! AND YOU!! (MOI) ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA SLAP U SO HARD FOR BEING SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL FUCK!!"

Long story short, mom intervened, the case of the missing nuts was solved (he had left them in his briefcase, yeah a bag of nuts in his office briefcase, then he wonders why his co-workers make his life a living hell), and there were no apologies issued. Just a nice story we like to tell over and over when he's banging his thumb on the ironing board...

Exhibit B later on..