If there was a better road then I would find it,
I can't help but the road just rolls out behind me,
Be kind to me
Or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an Extraordinary Machine...

-Extraordinary Machine by Fionna Apple
I need to get this out of my system so bare with me. I will post about my nice weekend gone bad later...

I will NOT allow people to get under my skin.
I Cannot afford this luxury.
I am me.
I do not respond to anyone. Therefore I will not allow anyone to use psychological warfare to harm me.

I am not the nicest person around, I have issues. We all have issues. I have my weaknesses and I will not allow those who know them to manipulate my mind and make me think that I am to blame for things that are not entirely my fault.

It is easy to point fingers and be a victim. It is easy to think of yourself and forget everyone else in the big picture. It is easy to blame it all on me. Cuz people hate takin' credit for bad things they've done.

I am not perfect. But I am not mean spirited. I give when I shouldn't and get burnt in the end. And even though I know I am not entirely to blame, deep down inside it's knawing at my intestines and brain.

Today I pulled over and cried.
With anger, with frustration.
What can I do to make things right?
Why do I feel I need to make everyone happy.
Well I don't.

I have not hurt anyone.
At least not purposely.

So don't blame it on me. Don't make it out like i'm the bad guy here.
I have a crappy job that makes me unhappy but pays the bills, I have a daughter that needs me and I have given every ounce of my life to make sure she is allright. I have been there when people have needed me. I have been to hell and back...I have wanted to let it all be and take drastic decisions...and I am still here. I got help. I understood that it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. It's time other people start doing the same.

I am NOT going back from where I came.

So I am going to share my niceness elsewhere.
Cuz being nice ain't got me shit from folk like u.

So do what u gotta do.
Don't talk to me, ignore me. Act like I ain't alive.
I'll get over it.

I've gone through worse.

Blame it on me, if it's easier for u to sleep at night.

But in reality, all 'faults' are shared.

This one is not the exception.

We all go through hard times. This time I understand it's ur turn.

Welcome to life.

I will find a 'better road'...
and I will not give a shit how people make me to be.

Cuz I am:
A fucking extradordinary machine.

Dammit.

**********