This morning my cousin came over to take a look at Death Van. He fidgeted, he cleaned, he took it out for a ride..blah blah...

All seemed ok. He told me, not to be stupid and call him in case something went wrong.

Seems like for now, that is the only man in my life, that's gonna make sure things get resolved.

So I take Miss C to daycare, took Death Van to get the nail out of the tire. And as I stood there in the shop as the guy was fixing my tire, I remembered a quote from Six Feet Under. It is an episode where Brenda and Nate's newborn is in the hospital. Nate is dead, but his spirit tells her:

"Too bad you don't believe in anything, cuz you could pray".

And as I watched a chicken literally cross the road, I did something I have not done in a long long time. I prayed.

My prayer went something like this:

"I know that you know that I know that I am one un-appreciative bitch. I know I don't probably deserve any of your attention. But please, please give me a hand. Don't forget about me. Help me get through this."

::sigh::

Typing that was exhausting.

So tire is fixed. Get in Death Van. Drive to work. Windows down and trying to stay in the right lane, just in case.

There was major traffic on the freeway and I prayed my lil' heart out. I got off the freeway and as I was turning on my boss' street, Death Van did her usual. She stopped.

::sigh::

At least it stopped on my boss' street and not on the freeway with the morning traffic.

I turned her back on and drove her to my boss' house.

And there you have it folk.

Things don't look like they are gonna get better.

And the pressure is on to make a decision.

Shall I foward my plans of leaving?

Because buying a new car doesn't make any sense if I still plan on moving to Florida.

Or should I keep investing money in this piece of crap Van.

Cuz even if it is a Toyota. I think it's shit.

I need to hold on to the lil' bit of faith I have left and think this is all for the best. For some strange and unexplainable reason.

But the stars are aligning and everything is indicating that this is definitely my cue.

*******
Last evening as I lay in bed pondering my future and how fucked up things are, and how at moments like these you really know who is there for you and who isn't, I got a call...it was "A".

I was a bit upset, groggy, had taken some pills and still was zoned out...I don't really remember the conversation..but he asked, I think, if I had called, which I hadn't.

A few words later, I think when he asked "what was wrong?", I think I answered something along the lines of: I hate people, or I hate you all.

I don't hate 'you all'. But I did realize, at times like these, who are the ones that will really stick their necks out for ya', who really wants to be your friend, and who just wants to be there for the ride.

Something like that. Then I told him I was hanging up.

********

Thought of the day: When all else fails, just sigh, or yell out a good "Fuck you!"