Murphy's Wrath Part Uno

There was drama, comedy, adventure, thriller, NO Romance, but all the makings of a perfect Low-Budget Indie Flick.

Long ass car ride: check
Parents driving you off a wall: check
Toddler raising hell: check
Murphy's Presence: U bet ya' ass!

So this is how Empress and I, spent our 15 year anniversary.


Empress rolls up. We pack our shit and our on our way. Empress, Miss C, Dad and Me. One big happy fucking family.

Empress decides that before we hit the road, we should stop for a lil' breakfast at the drive thru of BK. After Empress calls the Drive Thru lady "Elizabeth", when her name was something else (Yeah, you called her Elizabeth, Dad and I both heard you). Miss C wanted french fries. Ok. So we get her french fries. Miss C wanted Tenders. So, now we're screwed.

No tenders.

So she whines a lil' cause she wants tenders. But gets over it. Then she falls in love with E's Palm Pilot. After screaming and begging and whining we give her the Palm Pilot. Jot ya' lil' heart out!

This is when things begin to get bad.

A Toddler with a Palm Pilot are signs that things are gonna get really bad, really soon.

So now she wants the change we have for the tollbooths. We give her the change. Lord knows we don't want to upset her on a three hour car trip.

She drops the Palm Pilot jotting pen. We have to pull over, search for the Godforsaken pen, hand it to her. Keep driving. Miss C starts getting obnoxious. Whining, asking for stuff, hopping 'round the car..blah blah. Miss C's mommy starts losing her patience. I threaten her several times. Several times, until I lose my patience and try to discipline her.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Idea.

The Wrath of C was unleashed.


All the way home.

Well not home, but all the way till our destination, which might I add, we weren't even halfway there yet.

She cried, she screamed. We pulled over, we switched seats. I went to the rear. She kept on crying. She tried to bite me. She tried to jump over the seats. She was the long lost tropical cousin of Damien.

Empress being the sport that she was, was trying to keep her cool and concentrate on the road.

But aha!
Right before our next tollbooth, we tried to take 2 quarters out of the change Miss C had asked for before.

Bad Idea # 2.


We gave her back her money, but it was too late. The guy at the tollbooth looked at us, as if we were kidnapping this child and taking her abroad to be sacrificed to the Gods.

Quarters started flying. Miss C was so pissed she started throwing the quarters we had given her.


Nothing we did, would make her stop. Not even my crack-ass antics.
"GRANDMAAAAAAAA...GRANDMA!!!" while pointing in the opposite direction. As if she were saying: You fucking shitheads, we live thataway.

By this time, we were lost. Empress didn't see the exit. I do not fucking blame her. I was surprised she didn't ram us into a security barrier. By this time, Miss C was in the front seat with my Dad. She was still crying but the tone had lowered a bit. And then:


We get pulled over by a cop.
We quickly try to scram Miss C to the back, but she begins crying again. We think we are getting pulled over for this, which by the way, let me add, I am against toddlers in the front seat, but his was a fucking emergency for our sanity. I'm getting ready to pull out Miss C's ID's and tell him our situation, when cop guy tells us we were speeding. You'd actually think we'd be driving at 10 m.p.h. in this situa'?

He then asked if we were planning on keeping Miss C in the front seat, which was not allowed. We then explained our situation, the almost 60 minute crying fest we had just undergone, and he gave us this oh-shit-u-poor-folks-are-so-screwed-but-i-already-wrote-the-ticket look. He wished us good luck and a safe ride.

Not forgetting to hit us up with the $140.00 ticket.

Still with me?

Ok. I'll let you guys catch your breath and I'll be back with part Deux.

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